I have heard from Kate this morning as her bus had stopped in Cove Fort, Utah. She is anticipating the completion of her journey early this evening and can't wait to be off the bus! She is grateful for all of our good wishes and support.
Last night I talked to the lovely Kate as her bus made a stop in Columbus, Ohio. She sounded happy to be on her way. I will post each time that she calls so that we can all know that she is safe. Safe is such an important place, feeling, state of being. I admire Kate so much for the example she has shown me. She is willing to sacrifice everything to be safe. We are sending Gentle Healing Thoughts to you Kate.
I don't know why
for a person full of so many words
I have so few to share.
I don't know how to put into
words what is going on inside.
I do know that I am trying,
trying to find them
trying to understand the words inside.
Like a new language
a language I must teach myself
because it has never been heard before
at least by ME,
I am listening I am learning
I have not gone away
at least not for long.
A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
The editor part of me is working overtime. I don't know if she is part of Big Vicki or little vicki. I hope speaking the truth in a picture will help me.
I love inspiration. I love beautiful words. The words inspire me to hope. They inspire me to dream. I am inspired to be more and to reach out and offer the precious hope I have received in my life and along my healing journey.
Last week I sat there struggling to get any words out in my therapy session. I couldn't make sense of what was in my head. We discussed the benefits to me if I could find a way to express myself. I felt as if I might be back at the very beginning. Dr H gave me a verbal list of how I might begin to talk through journaling letters etc. I asked could I use pictures. He said of course.
I began a new journal wherein I printed off some of my collage sets from polyvore and let them tell some of what I needed to say. I have needed to do this for some time now, I am such a visual learner. The pictures helped little vicki tell some of the story. Big Vicki well, she doesn't like to talk about "it" and doesn't want to. I learned by doing this written/collage journal that little vicki does want to talk to the Dr. and when I don't tell him what she has shared with me them she quits talking to me.
So I took this new journal to Dr H. this week. I asked him if I could just stay out in the waiting room while he looked at it and read it. I just can't stay present while he is reading journaling I slip away somewhere far away and live in fear till he is finished. We have been doing this for many years and I have just recently told him that I leave when he reads some of my journal to me or talks about it with me.
When I came in his office after he had finished reading I felt very small and far away and I sat as far away as I could. But... I stayed I listened I heard what he was saying and answered the questions he asked. I told him I didn't know if I didn't know the answer. I told him I would try to find out the answer to questions I couldn't answer.
This journal session was a good way for me to have therapy.
And though the Lord give you The bread of adversity, And the water of affliction, Yet shall not thy teachers Be removed into a corner Any more.
But thine eyes shall see Thy teachers:
And thine ears shall hear
A word behind thee,
Saying, This is the way, Walk ye in it, When ye turn to the right hand, And when ye turn to the left.
As I have mentioned recently ( ok so I haven't said much "recently") but... anyway. When I began to quit denying that my abuse had affected my life in a big way and that I had a great amount of conflict with God over the fact that he had ALLOWED it to happen or at least didn't stop it from happening, I began to see gifts around me. The Tender Mercies of the Lord placed in my life which had brought me through which had kept me alive. Gifts which needed to be recognized so that a way would be opened up for me to recognize more gifts. Sort of like turning on the light so I could see better truth that was there which I couldn't see in the dark.
These scriptures from Isaiah are some of my greatest gifts I received at the very beginning. I will share more soon. But, for now I wanted to get this posted and share this thought with all of you and thank you for your support and kindness.
I am a wife, mother, gramma, Daughter of God, and Disciple of Jesus Christ. I am also a Survivor of many kinds of abuse in my childhood. Here In My World, I Heal, I Laugh, I Cry, I enjoy tremendous Support, and Seek with Every thing I am to offer the same to those who share my World with me.
I love to Garden, Cook, and be with my Family.
