Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Bliss List

Kate makes bliss lists.
Here is the beginning of mine.
I did this today.

I went over to my son and daughter in laws home and I snuggled with my grandson Isaac at his nap time. He is a f
abulous snuggler. He loves to be sung to which works out well since I love to sing lullabies.

Today he kept getting distracted by the sound of every car or truck diving by outside because his window was open.

He is Two so...
often he is reluctant to accept or give kisses.
I have taken to asking if I can have a kiss and when he says NO I ask "Can I give you one?" That works well for me quite often.
Today I asked for a little kiss. He gave his usual response of "NO" looked away and turned back to me giggling,
"A Big One!" he declares.

Snuggling and Kisses.
Lots of Bliss.

Some things I love

Peace by Vicki in AZ on

There are so many things I love about this time of year.

I love twinkling lights and sparkly balls and baubles.
I love Christmas concerts at my children's schools.

I adore Christmas music of all kinds much to my families dismay.
I can watch every sappy Christmas movie on the Hallmark channel also to my families dismay.

I woke up to a cloudy day with soft rain almost all day on Monday!
This can be our rainy season in fortunate years here where I live in the desert. I am very hopeful that we will have a rainy winter.

I love steaming cups of hot cocoa and a fire in the fireplace.
I love the warm smells of the comfort foods part of my family traditions this time of year.

I love that I have learned through long hard experience that less is more at this special time of year.

I love Christmas Trees and everything about decorating ours.

I love reading Christmas stories and picture books.
I love reading the scriptures about the birth of Jesus Christ and all of the sweet tender feelings I have about my Savior's birth.

There are things not to love about this time of year..
Those are for another post.

What about you? Do you have favorite things about this time of year?
I would love to hear about them.


Monday, December 7, 2009


Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life.

Some people get struck by lightning.

Some are born to sit by a river.

Some have an ear for music.

Some are artists.

Some swim the English Channel.

Some know buttons.

Some know Shakespeare.

Some are mothers.

And some people can dance."
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Blogging makes a very powerful and pleasant dent in my life. I miss it tremendously when I am not here. I miss reading about all of your lives. I miss laughing so hard sometimes I have to go change my undies because of something one of you said. I miss uncontrollable tears streaming down my cheeks because I am moved by one of your heartaches or unfulfilled dreams. I miss words that express ideas and feelings so powerful that I have to call my husband on the phone or drag him in from another room so that I can share them with him. I miss the joy I feel by letting you know I stepped into your life that day by leaving a comment. I miss learning from all of you that I can safely spill my thoughts when I am ready because you did it!

I will try to express here in my simple way how much your kind comments have meant to me while I have been away. I do have words to share about what has been going on for me. But.. this is about THANK YOU. I am grateful for you all. Grateful and overwhelmed by your generous comments and hearts. I have Missed you. I have not been lurking I have just been absent. I declare a firm "Present" as I have now come back. Back to write and Back to read!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I have been working hard and appreciating that I have a therapy appointment once a week to keep me accountable. I am still editing quite a lot. I can do that right in my head. I have a congested ear right now which is exacerbating my ringing in the ears. The ringing is loud in my head and to me this is ironic because the words in my head have built up so much pressure I have to let them out.

The voice inside is gently pushing me toward honesty and letting what is locked up in here out. I think this is the reason I have struggled so mightily to write, I just have not been willing to be honest. I think maybe I wouldn't have to work so hard if I could just be honest because here in today I truly have a great deal of peace and so many blessing.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


I have heard from Kate this morning as her bus had stopped in Cove Fort, Utah. She is anticipating the completion of her journey early this evening and can't wait to be off the bus! She is grateful for all of our good wishes and support.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Just letting you know that Kate will be rolling in to Denver around Midnight. She sounds great.

I talked to Kate last night...

Last night I talked to the lovely Kate as her bus made a stop in Columbus, Ohio. She sounded happy to be on her way. I will post each time that she calls so that we can all know that she is safe. Safe is such an important place, feeling, state of being. I admire Kate so much for the example she has shown me. She is willing to sacrifice everything to be safe.
We are sending Gentle Healing Thoughts to you Kate.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I don't know why..

I don't know why
for a person full of so many words
I have so few to share.

I don't know how to put into
words what is going on inside.

I do know that I am trying,
trying to find them
trying to understand the words inside.

Like a new language
a language I must teach myself
because it has never been heard before
at least by ME,
I am listening I am learning
I have not gone away
at least not for long.

I know why the caged bird sings
by: Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

my editor..

The editor part of me is working overtime. I don't know if she is part of Big Vicki or little vicki. I hope speaking the truth in a picture will help me.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday Devotional

I love inspiration.
I love beautiful words.
The words inspire me to hope.
They inspire me to dream.
I am inspired to be more
and to reach out and offer the precious
hope I have received in my life
and along my healing journey.

May words inspire others too.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Learning to Talk

Last week I sat there struggling to get any words out in my therapy session. I couldn't make sense of what was in my head. We discussed the benefits to me if I could find a way to express myself. I felt as if I might be back at the very beginning. Dr H gave me a verbal list of how I might begin to talk through journaling letters etc. I asked could I use pictures. He said of course.

I began a new journal wherein I printed off some of my collage sets from polyvore and let them tell some of what I needed to say. I have needed to do this for some time now, I am such a visual learner. The pictures helped little vicki tell some of the story. Big Vicki well, she doesn't like to talk about "it" and doesn't want to. I learned by doing this written/collage journal that little vicki does want to talk to the Dr. and when I don't tell him what she has shared with me them she quits talking to me.

So I took this new journal to Dr H. this week. I asked him if I could just stay out in the waiting room while he looked at it and read it. I just can't stay present while he is reading journaling I slip away somewhere far away and live in fear till he is finished. We have been doing this for many years and I have just recently told him that I leave when he reads some of my journal to me or talks about it with me.

When I came in his office after he had finished reading I felt very small and far away and I sat as far away as I could. But... I stayed I listened I heard what he was saying and answered the questions he asked. I told him I didn't know if I didn't know the answer. I told him I would try to find out the answer to questions I couldn't answer.

This journal session was a good way for me to have therapy.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sunday Devotional

CHAPTER 30:21-22

And though the Lord give you
The bread of adversity,
And the water of affliction,
Yet shall not thy teachers
Be removed into a corner
Any more.

But thine eyes shall see
Thy teachers:
And thine ears shall hear
A word behind thee,
This is the way,
Walk ye in it,
When ye turn to the right hand,
And when ye turn to the left.

As I have mentioned recently ( ok so I haven't said much "recently") but... anyway. When I began to quit denying that my abuse had affected my life in a big way and that I had a great amount of conflict with God over the fact that he had ALLOWED it to happen or at least didn't stop it from happening, I began to see gifts around me. The Tender Mercies of the Lord placed in my life which had brought me through which had kept me alive. Gifts which needed to be recognized so that a way would be opened up for me to recognize more gifts. Sort of like turning on the light so I could see better truth that was there which I couldn't see in the dark.

These scriptures from Isaiah are some of my greatest gifts I received at the very beginning. I will share more soon. But, for now I wanted to get this posted and share this thought with all of you and thank you for your support and kindness.

Have a beautiful day my friends.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Nie Nie on Oprah

This is Stephanie Nielson of the
NieNie Dialogues
I wrote about her and her amazing survivor story
on the anniversary of the plane crash which almost took her life. She is a Thriver, She is an Inspiration, She is a regular person like you and me taking it one day at a time. She will be on the OPRAH Show this Wednesday, Oct 7. If you have the chance to watch, Prepare to be Inspired. If you can take a look at her Delightful blog. I call it, "The Sweetest Spot."

Sunday Devotional {on Monday}

Psalms 36:9
For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light.

Blessings to all of you, and a wonderful week.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am Here

I am not really sure how this post will go so I am just going to start I think I will take a title from one of my blogger friends. She calls posts like this "Random Randomness"

I realized I had something that is coherent in my brain when I read Faith's article on Being Present today. I recommend it. I sat there and though about the wonderful parts of my life that I am able to be "Present" for because of all the hard and sometimes tedious work of healing that I have done since I quit denying that the abuse I suffered mattered.
I can hear the words ringing in my ears from my last therapy session, "Why do we do this work, Vicki?" "I don't remember, (sobbing) can you remind me?" "We do it for OURSELVES!"
Faith spoke of remembering the very first time she felt "Present." It was so clear for her.
I sat there and though do I remember my very first time? To be perfectly honest I am so different from what I used to be I live my life quite present moment. I take things very slow, I don't push myself faster than I am able very often.
I have a grandson, so I spend countless hours of time just being with him, playing with him, talking to him, experiencing the grand life of a wonderful two year old. My children are growing teenagers so other than taxi service and unlimited listening from me they do pretty well.
After I thought for a moment I was able to remember the first time I was present. This was glorious, because I was able to witness what it felt like to call up a memory. I sat there though about it and there it was. AMAZING!
I remember knowing that the moment I was experiencing was precious. I remember knowing instinctively that I wanted to remember the moment always.
It happened many years ago, I hadn't been in therapy very long. I was just loitering at my back door sitting there on the ground with my husband. Our children were little and playing outside. I lay back and while I was looking up I noticed the Sky, really really noticed it. Saw how blue it was, the immensity of it, and the beauty. I remember breathing and just taking it all in and wondering if I had never really looked at it before. It is a wonderful thing to have such a peaceful memory.

For me this is what being present is about, the acceptance of where we are that day, our non judgment of ourselves. When we leave the “shoulds” behind and just accept what is.

I have survived an entire week with no contact from my family of origin. I have one niece who is the same age as my children, who has continued to come over just like normal. She even called me the other day wondering if I could feed her lunch because she was "starving" at school! That was a Lovely surprise visit. No one has called and other than my unnecessary fears when the phone rings it has been peaceful and calm. I say No News is Good News.

I have had such an incredible outpouring of support from all of you Here In My World. Thank you so much. You mean the world to me. I will get back to you and thank you for your loving comments which have kept me lifted. It will take me awhile and I am so very grateful for you support. I need you to know that I couldn't have done it without you all.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Some New Understanding


On Saturday I left little vicki in a safe place and returned home to the normal hustle and bustle of my everyday life. Together she and I had accomplished some important goals one of which was to write a letter to my mother abuser and ask her not to contact me. I was doing really well and feeling at peace.

By yesterday I still hadn't mailed the letter and this left little vicki feeling unprotected. I created this collage and that helped me to recognize what she was feeling and also that even though two days wasn't that much time to me it was a very long time to little me.

I also recognize that I have to take quiet time away from everything Every Day to connect with little vicki if she is going to trust me and feel taken care of.

The letter has been mailed. I keep reminding myself that what matters is little vicki, the family around me sharing my everyday life, and me right now today. Sometimes I am afraid because I don't know what is coming, by the end of the week the s@#%* should hit the fan. I keep trying to remember how to say "That is between mom and me, I don't want to talk about it." HOW HARD CAN THAT BE TO SAY? I should type it out in big letters so it is in front of me because I know I will forget how to talk much less what to say when the time comes.

Today is therapy, glad for that.

Friday, September 18, 2009

A Safe Place for little vicki

This is the place I would take you to today in my heart. We will go there and you will feel safe enough to share anything you want with me. Safe enough to be whatever you want with me. Today is our day.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

We Will Remember

Jewel - Hands
Uploaded by Belzebar. -


If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

it happens in many ways
it affects in as many

there are countless numbers
we stand
sometimes on feet, knees,
or even faces to the earth
all the same

we unite to remember
the ones who count on us
to use our HANDS
to honor and celebrate them

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Answers from little vicki

I have tried for over a week now as the adult Vicki to write about my experiences I recently had where little vicki communicated with me. The great thing is that she has been trying to tell me things and has had unending patience while I have tried to understand them.

The question I have wrestled with most recently is, "How does being so very sleepy connect with my abuse? The question I have always had is "How have I always known that I forgot?" Patricia commented that perhaps I could start with what I do know and not try so hard to remember. Great advice thank you. I also shared with Kate an experience I had once, where I believe God answered one of my questions. As I wrote to her about that answer, the one from God, I realized that the very same answer could have also come from little vicki. Before I reveal the question and the answer please let me interject two important points here.

1. If I hadn't taken the time to slow down and really listen as insight came from these two women who care about my healing, I WOULD HAVE MISSED IT!

2. I needed these friends and I trusted that they believe in me and my ability to FIND THE ANSWERS.

I asked God one day, "What exactly is it that you tell me as you send me into this family, to these parents, knowing what I will endure?"
He gently answered, "I told you, you will forget." I realized when I told Kate this story that little vicki could have given me the very same answer.

As I spent some time working this all out in words and telling my husband Jared, the pieces began to fit together like a puzzle. I started with what I have always known, I forgot. If God did indeed tell me that I would forget and I know with all of my heart that He did, then little vicki would know this and when she was sad and hurting and afraid she would have talked to herself and gently said, "Don't worry, you will forget."

As for why am I so sleepy and why is this a clue or body memory? It is very simple, now that other puzzle pieces are in place. I was a child, I lived my life, I don't remember most of it... I went to sleep.

The very best part of acknowledging body memories and honoring them is that they can begin to heal. I am feeling more energetic and less and less sleepy.

Stephen King:
Pet Sematary

It's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls - as little as one may like to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. And the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring, unrelenting sanity. That such events have their own Rube Goldberg absurdity goes almost without saying. At some point, it all starts to become rather funny. That may be the point at which sanity begins either to save itself or to buckle and break down; that point at which one's sense of humor begins to reassert itself.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Thought

“ The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!
Jack Kerouac

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Letter to little vicki

Dear little vicki,

You have been so patient with me as I try to learn what it is you are saying to me.
Thank you and I love you for this. I love you so much. Right now I have a picture of you from when we were 3 and 1/2 years old I look at it so much and try to imagine just how amazing and wonderful we were. Your eyes are so sweet and I love the smile on your little face. I am looking at your cute glasses and realizing that I have blue glasses like you did right now today. I love my glasses and I have people tell me all of the time what great glasses they are. Your hair is so red I just love that color. I had Dray, that is my friend who does my hair for me, color my hair a pretty dark red. I love it so much, it is not as pretty as yours but still very nice and red again.

I have appreciated how you gently answer my questions one at a time. This has been very nice, having you trust me. I want you to know that I will keep us safe. I told our sister T. a little about what is going on, not very much but a little. When she found out about me not coming to mom's birthday she asked if more "things" were happening. She was so kind and really very sad for me but she gets it. I told her that what has happened is my realizing that I just can't be around people who don't believe me or give a crap about things that are important to me. I told her that mom has never believed me and that I can't tolerate that right now. I don't feel like telling her, at least for now what I am remembering about mom. Telling her doesn't feel safe.
She told me to remember that she is a good listener. That is true, we have been that for each other for several years now.

Our sister K. she is confused. I didn't tell her anything beyond that I had some things I am dealing with right now. She didn't at least at first even consider that I was having a problem with mom. I have been keeping the peace for so long now, I don't think it even occurred to her. I think it will be pretty easy to explain it to her the same way I did to T. when the time is right.
The sad thing is either it will or it won't then put K. in the same category as mom, someone who doesn't believe me, because she never did before. That will be very sad for us if she chooses to be angry and in denial but standing here protecting us is just not an option anymore. The cracks in the foundation of my relationship with K. have to be addressed and repaired, or the building will crumble anyway.

Now as to mom. Well, I haven't talked to her yet, I am sure I am afraid to. I am afraid that I will mess up. I know that is silly, since there is nothing to mess up, I just need to do it. I am glad you have been patient with me. Dr. H. says she probably is afraid. I said, she is not afraid of me. He said sure she is, she know you have the ability to talk and stir things up like before. I don't know what she is but she hasn't called or come over which has been a little unusual. He said we could be less revealing than we were last time and just tell her I just have a problem right now with her because she doesn't believe me when I tell her about things that are important to me. I said, (playing the part of mom), "Vicki, I don't know what you are talking about." Dr H. said, "Exactly Mom, that is the problem, you don't listen to me, so it doesn't matter." And I will tell her to not come to my house.

So, here is an idea. I will take your hand because I really like holding hands with 3 year olds, those are some very sweet hands, we will call her on the phone and tell her together. Do you like that idea? We can set a timer and keep it very short. She probably will have nothing to say or might hang up on us, I am not sure. We will just be ready for anything and take it as it comes but we won't get into a confrontation about this. When we are done with the phone call we will think and feel our feelings and then go out for ice cream and celebrate that we did it together.

It's you and me kid. xoxo
Big Vicki

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sugar Gliders 101

Sugar Gliders are the softest cutest little creatures I have ever seen.

Here is the scoop!

Sugar Glider (Honey Glider, Short-headed Possum)

Can glide distances of 200 ft


The sugar glider is perhaps the most striking in appearance of all the marsupials. Due to their beautiful coat and small size, they are often kept as pets in North America.

Sugar gliders are diminutive in size. They are generally 11-16 in (27.5 - 40 cm) in length, with 6-8 in (15-20 cm) of that belonging to the bushy, non-prehensile tail. Sexual dimorphism is present in this species, with the males being larger than the females. The males weigh approximately 115-160 g, while the females weigh 100-135 g.

Sugar gliders have a squirrel-like body ending in a long tail. The heady is rather short and narrow. The legs are small and end in five-digit feet. All of the toes are clawed, with the exception of the opposable toe on each hind foot. The hind feet are syndactylus, with two of the toes being partially fused together. The sugar glider uses these fused toes for grooming.

Sugar gliders are covered with thick, soft fur. The coat is usually blue-grey in colour, but some specimens have been known to be yellow or tan, and even albinos are known to exist. A black stripe extends from the nose over the head and ends midway across the back. A black ring encircles either eye and extends back to the large, hairless ears. The last few inches of the tail are also black. The underbelly, chest, and throat are a light cream to white in colour. The top of the patagium is blue-grey, the underside is generally white interspersed with dark hairs, and the edge is a bright white.

The patagium is perhaps the most striking feature of the sugar glider. It is a thin layer of furred skin that stretches from the wrist to the ankle of the hind limb on either side of the body. When the legs are extended this skin is spread taught, much like in a North American flying squirrel, and the sugar glider is enabled to glide great distances.

Sugar gliders are marsupials, and so the females do have a marsupium (pouch). The marsupium is roughly ½ in (12.5 mm) in length, and is located in the middle of her abdomen. Sugar glider males also have a feature unique to many other marsupials – they have a bifurcated penis. In other words, their penis has two shafts, and acts like two separate penises.

Sugar gliders are highly vocal, often making what is known as a "crabbing" noise, somewhat reminiscent of an electric blender. They also bark, chirp, and chatter amongst themselves.

Sugar gliders have many scent glands used for marking territory. The males have three primary scent glands: one located on the forehead, one on the chest, and one alongside the cloaca (an opening for the urinary, gastrointestinal, and reproductive tracts). The best way to tell a male sugar glider apart from a female is to look at the forehead, as in males the scent gland up there is visible as a bald spot.

Sugar gliders have an acute sense of smell and hearing. They are nocturnal, and so also have acute night vision.

Sugar gliders have a life span of 9 years in the wild, 12 in captivity.


Sugar gliders are found throughout eastern and northern Australia (some have even been found in southern Australia), as well as its nearby islands, including Tasmania and Papua New Guinea. They can be found in all types of forests, but prefer the open forests where there is room to glide. Sugar gliders are social animals, nesting in family groups of up to twelve individuals. These groups are headed by a dominant male who will do most of the territorial marking. This territory, though small, consists of several eucalyptus trees and is readily defended by the entire group.

Sugar gliders are nocturnal, spending their days sleeping in a nest in a hollow portion of a tree. At night they are highly energetic, performing amazing acts of aerial acrobatics and gliding distances of 200 ft (66 m).

Kreativ, Yes I Accept!


THANK YOU to Speck of Dust, over at Just Be for this award. I love being creative in all kinds of ways and I truly appreciate and enjoy other people's creativity also. Namaste.

So, if you haven't been to Just Be before, it is simply a must read. I mean listen to the name of her blog, JUST BE, who doesn't long to know what that would feel like? It makes me feel calm just to think of her blog name. And her pen name, Speck of Dust, it is so full of meaning. The name is poetry. She wrote about her name here.

So here is a list of seven things about me.

1. I want to go on a cruise to Alaska with my husband.
2. We have 1 dog, 5 sugar gliders, and 8 cats. (No my house is not huge, we just love animals)
3. In college I played the role of the First Lady in Waiting to The Queen of the Night in Mozart's Magic Flute.
4. I am a visual learner, because of this, The Food Network and Martha Stewart have changed my life.
5. I am fascinated by trees. I want to see and touch a Banyan tree.
6. I love being a grandma. I feel close to my grandma who was always the safest place I knew as a child, because of my grandson.
7. Pansies are my favorite flower.

This is my list of 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
I went to my bookmarks and spent time visiting sites that I had found interesting but hadn't been back to in a long time. I felt like I was coming back to old friends, there really is so much inspiration out there. So many lovely bloggers sharing their passion and zest for life and beauty.
I look forward to spending more time being inspired and I am so excited to check out Speck of Dust's list of nominations too!

The Fresh Loaf, a community for amateur artisan bakers and bread enthusiasts.

"IN MY HOUSE: 1 Handsome Husband, 4 Top Notch Kids, A Nervous Chihuahua, and 25 Pounds of Brown Sugar. It's a sweet, sweet life." {She shares her recipes!! And her photos are divine!}

At A Soft Place to Land, Kimba has created just that, "A Soft Place to Land."

This place is a dream, someplace you can go and stay awhile, they have "Arts, Letters, and Shenanigans" complete with many "places" to visit.

Here is what she says about herself, "Just another gal looking for a moment of joy each day." I can go for that!

My Happy Little Life, is just a sweet inspirational place where you can find kind words, loving people, beautiful photography and gentleness.

Over at You Are My Fave is just that, lots and lots of Favorites. Melanie is fun and so full of creativity it is Contagious!

Here is to some new Inspiration!

Monday, August 31, 2009


I do not at all
understand the mystery of grace
only that it meets us
where we are
does not leave us
where it found us.
~Anne Lamott

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sunday Devotional


It is an action word
a verb.
I do it
and then I do it again
and then I do it again
and I keep on doing it
for as long as it takes.
It might take me a real long time
it usually does for that matter.
for me forgiving is like traveling
the road of life
I do it one step at a time
one day at a time.
I wish...
I could say I am always patient
patient with myself
as I struggle to forgive.
As I struggle to
Practice what I preach
which is
Take All the Time You Need.
I really do believe that
even though
it doesn't seem like I believe it

There is a book, it is pretty much everywhere, I see people reading it wherever I go. I see it in almost every store that sells books. My therapist talked about it with me one day and I had bought it and finished it a few days later. It was hard to put down. The book is called The Shack, by: Wm. Paul Young.

I learned so much about forgiveness from this book.

Today's Sunday Devotional comes from The Shack.

Mackenzie, forgiveness does not excuse anything. Believe me, the last thing this man is, is free. And you have no duty to justice in this. I WILL HANDLE THAT. And as for Missy, she has already forgiven him."

"She has?" Mack didn't even look up. "How could she?"

"Because of my presence in her. That's the only way true forgiveness is ever possible."

Mack felt Papa sit down next to him on the ground but he still didn't look up. As Papa's arms enfolded Mack he began to cry. "Let it all out," he heard Papa's whisper, and he finally was able to do just that. He closed his eyes as the tears poured out. ...He wept until he had cried out all the darkness, all the longing and all the loss, until there was nothing left.

He pleaded, "help me Papa. Help me! What do I do? How do I forgive him?"


"How Papa?"

"Just say it out loud. There is power in what my children declare."

Mack began to whisper in tones first half hearted and stumbling, but then with increasing conviction, "I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you."

Papa held him close, "Mackenzie, you are such a joy."

"So is it all right if I'm still angry?"

Papa was quick to respond. "Absolutely! What he did was terrible he caused incredible pain to many. It was wrong and anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But, don't let the anger and loss and pain you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck. Son, you may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely."

I copied these words for myself and I inserted my name every where Mack's name appeared. I have them in a special place, a book I have created for healing.

Forgiveness is a process, I don't worry so much about the destination anymore.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

When I Need

When I need comfort
I turn to music.
So much of music lifts me
from dark places I don't want to linger in.
So much of music lifts me from sadness.

Here is a favorite.

Mollie's Poem

I am a DANCER.

I wonder if I will ever be AMAZING.

I hear the sound of tap shoes on tile.

I see my face in the mirror as I spot myself after each pirouette.

I want the day to come when I am given the honor of receiving my

first pair of Point shoes.

I am a DANCER.

I remember the first time I ever did a double pique turn.

I feel the rough calluses built up on my feet from months, years of


I touch the cold metal ballet bar.

I cry when I feel like I am not good enough.

I am a DANCER.

I understand that I am not perfect.

I say, “ This is what I want to do for the REST of my life.”

I dream of dancing for him…

I believe that I can do anything if my heart is truly in it.

I am a DANCER.

Today I am grateful for a Daughter who can feel this way IN her body.

Monday, August 24, 2009

On My To Do List

I have a favorite artist, her name is Tiffany Arbuckle Lee, she goes by Plumb. One of my favorite songs of hers is over there on my play list In My Arms.

I heard one of her songs in a new way this past weekend because of something I need to do. I need to stop seeing my mom for right now, I don't know for how long, maybe forever. 13 years ago this summer I sent my parents a letter telling them I couldn't see them for awhile because I was working on my abuse issues with a counselor and asked them not to contact me. I spent much of my healing back then, doing this, "She stands alone defending her name." It was hard, I did it a lot, to pretty much anyone who would listen, especially my siblings.

I don't know how I will let my mom know this time. I haven't decided that yet. I do know that I will be calling my baby sister before my therapy session tomorrow afternoon to tell her that I won't be at my mom's birthday lunch next Saturday.

I don't intend to stand defending my name this time, in fact I think I will say very little. I want to be strong, I need to be strong, for little vicki. I think it is the Least I can do after all that she did for me. I am proud of myself for trusting myself, it feels good.

I really love the last line of the song... Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I think that is a very good thing to do. I'll put that on my list also.

Nice Naive And Beautiful lyrics

She's only known heartache and pain
But she's never known pain like this
She stands alone defending her name
When all that she's done is be who she is
Well is it so wrong to be who we are
When all she's done is fail

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why does she get taken advantage
Why does she live in a world so cold
She takes advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part
Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place
Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt

Maybe she could set it free

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why did she get taken for granted
Why did she live in a world so cold
He took advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

If you've been there you know
If you're still there hang on
We're all dealt our lumps of coal
What you do with it can turn beautiful
Well there's a life outside of this madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place
That's restraining your love

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sunday Devotional

The internet truly is an amazing gift.
It allows me to connect with a community of fellow bloggers
all of whom I have grown to care for.

I have decided to try something new.
I am a church going gal. I know that we don't all go to church,
I know and understand many whose touching posts
have had their hearts broken at church for what ever reason.
My heart aches for them as my heart has ached when I have had my very own trials of faith. I know that there are some who I read and cherish their words, who's worship is different than my own. I have found nothing but respect here in My Little World for our differences. I like this so very much.

I know that members of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or more commonly known as "Mormons", are well known for our efforts to proselyte. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I have a son on a Mission in Tennessee right now doing that very thing.

That is not my purpose here.
I am just a woman, a woman who talks about the things which are important to her, gets excited to share thoughts and feelings with people she cares about, and hopes with all her heart to just be honest and as our good bloggy friend puts it,

So this is longer than I wanted so I think I'll go put my video at the beginning in case you just get bored and didn't read all of this, because the video was really the point!! I know that God, whoever or whatever that is for you is there, watching over us, caring for us, cherishing us, and most importantly caring about our pain and struggles... even when we don't believe it, feel it, want it, or know it.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Cute Things Isaac Says and Does

He pushes the test page button on our printer, gets so excited because he has printed something, and wants someone to make him an airplane out of the paper.
One time, I wasn't paying attention, and he printed a test page on all of the paper in the tray.

He knows how to get to my house, is a great back seat driver, and if his parents aren't going to my house but drive near our street he yells Goga, Goga.

He gets so excited to play with his Thomas train that he is calling "Thomas" as soon as he comes through the door.
He also has a Billy, an Elizabeth, and a Rosie, but he will not call her Rosie, because Jared called her "what's her face" when he took them all out of the package. Isaac consistently insists on calling her "Face" no matter how many times grandpa tells him her name is Rosie.

He puts the leash on Johny and leads him around the house for a walk.
That is, if he is not climbing on Johny and riding him like a horse, or laying down on Johny's bed with him.

He loves to put pennies in Granpa's robot bank. He has this funny little quirky thing that he does when he twists each penny before he can deposit it!

He loves to shred paper. He says "schredda" over and over.

He loves to watch Kipper.

He thinks all of our 5 sugar gliders are named "Cal" because one of them is named Calvin.

He is the Joy of his Grandpa and Goga's life.