Tuesday, June 30, 2009

What I Know...

On Father's Day I taught a lesson on Forgiveness to teenage girls ages 16 to 18 in Young Women's.

For years I have been teaching the 3 and 4 year olds, so as you can imagine this was quite a change. O yeah, did I mention this was my first lesson since I got this new "calling" ( that's what we Mormon's call our jobs at church.)

I don't believe in coincidences. This was not easy for me. I have decided that the difficulty was of course several fold. I wrote about my initial struggle here.
I also realized that here I was teaching a lesson about forgiveness almost right after writing for the first time in a very long time about the ongoing process of learning to forgive my father. (That is the post just before this one.)
Finally I didn't want it to be just another lesson on how they "Should" forgive.

Through the Tender Mercies of the Lord, I was able to spend the 3 days before the Sunday lesson on a retreat with all of the Young Women and their leaders getting to know them better and enjoy their individual personalities.

I spent time of course studying the lesson, talking for hours with a friend who is a teacher, talking with my husband who has many more experiences teaching than I do, and petitioning Heavenly Father to help me teach the girls what he wanted them to know. I prayed for the Spirit to help me and to touch and lift their tender hearts.

We had a marvelous and tender experience. One of the young women's father had died two years ago. I felt such a tenderness toward her as it was Father's Day. She shared with us that she had just the day before felt peace and forgiveness for the loss of her father. We as a class discussed whether or not there was a timetable on forgiving. The young woman whose father had died felt sadness for holding on to her anger for so long. I will tell you it was one of the greatest privileges of my life to witness to these young women that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are loving and patient and kind and willing to allow us all of the time we need when we learn to forgive.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Father's Day


Just over 13 years ago I was 30 years old and I thought I was losing my mind.

I had 4 children, babies really, the oldest was six and my baby was one. I spent endless hours of my life huddled in corners crying and desperately begging God to keep me from hurting Them. The only thing I wanted was to be a loving mother and break the cycle of physical and mental abuse of the home I came from. That was the home you and mom provided.

I finally decided in my 30th year that therapy, I called it "counseling" would help. After 2 months of trying to convince my hard ass therapist that I didn't need to deal with my childhood {I couldn't remember it anyway}, he told me he couldn't help me anymore, to think about, and sent me out the door till my next appointment.

The floodgates opened. I remembered.

I broke off ties with with you and mom, that went over big. You told everyone that I was having Mental Problems, funny thing is, I am, to this day the only one in our whole family who has gotten help for the mental problems we all have.

I worked hard very hard, sometimes just to stay alive.

I wanted the chance to talk to you, to have you listen to my pain.

One summer I felt that I was strong enough, the Dr. and I planned out the question. I asked if we could talk, you looked me in the eye and said, "No." Six months later you were in the hospital, we had been through this so many times before... God was willing to release you from your prison of bad health, you unwilling to let go. Somehow I knew that this time would be the time. I was stronger I had asked for my opportunity to talk to you and you refused.

The years have come and gone I have gotten stronger, my boundaries are more secure. I am able to spend time with the family. I can even tell stories of good memories I have had of you. Most of my childhood is still missing, locked somewhere in this amazing brain and God holds the key.

Over the past year I have needed to know if you would talk to me now if you had the chance. Without going into all the details here in this letter, because face it, I think you have helped me find the answer to my question, I know that you would. I know that someday, we will talk.

Understand that I still have pain and issues that I work out. Understand that I look forward to the day when we will talk. I work at understanding and feeling forgiveness. I know that you are healing too.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Hope begins in the dark,
the stubborn hope
that if you just show up
and try to do the right thing,
The Dawn WILL Come.
You wait and watch and and work:
You DON'T give up.
~Anne Lamontt

Monday, June 15, 2009

A Beginning

I found myself struggling

This is not a place I am unfamiliar with,
I have been here before.
Many times.

I know how to deal with depression.
I know how to cope,
when to press on, when to take a time out.
I am grateful to know all that I have learned,
this allows me to experience the calm happy peaceful moments,
The Eye Of the Storm, if you will,
when I am struggling.

What I didn't know, was how to deal with my desire to write
to express fully what is in my heart the feelings that fly out of me.
I have fallen in love with blogging.
Here I can type.
My handwriting is very poor.
I have a tremor that is very pronounced in my hands.
It is worse because of the Meds which I take for Bi-Polar.
I even take a beta blocker which helps calm it down substantially.
Blogging has changed my journaling habits.

I did not however want to change the tenor of my first blog
I am proud of my simple honesty there
but, did not want five teenagers,
including a son and his wife,
who read it to be burdened with my private concerns.

A new friend here in Blogdom helped me to decide to create a new blog.
Thank you mile 191.