Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Father's Day

Dad,

Just over 13 years ago I was 30 years old and I thought I was losing my mind.

I had 4 children, babies really, the oldest was six and my baby was one. I spent endless hours of my life huddled in corners crying and desperately begging God to keep me from hurting Them. The only thing I wanted was to be a loving mother and break the cycle of physical and mental abuse of the home I came from. That was the home you and mom provided.

I finally decided in my 30th year that therapy, I called it "counseling" would help. After 2 months of trying to convince my hard ass therapist that I didn't need to deal with my childhood {I couldn't remember it anyway}, he told me he couldn't help me anymore, to think about, and sent me out the door till my next appointment.

The floodgates opened. I remembered.

I broke off ties with with you and mom, that went over big. You told everyone that I was having Mental Problems, funny thing is, I am, to this day the only one in our whole family who has gotten help for the mental problems we all have.

I worked hard very hard, sometimes just to stay alive.

I wanted the chance to talk to you, to have you listen to my pain.

One summer I felt that I was strong enough, the Dr. and I planned out the question. I asked if we could talk, you looked me in the eye and said, "No." Six months later you were in the hospital, we had been through this so many times before... God was willing to release you from your prison of bad health, you unwilling to let go. Somehow I knew that this time would be the time. I was stronger I had asked for my opportunity to talk to you and you refused.

The years have come and gone I have gotten stronger, my boundaries are more secure. I am able to spend time with the family. I can even tell stories of good memories I have had of you. Most of my childhood is still missing, locked somewhere in this amazing brain and God holds the key.

Over the past year I have needed to know if you would talk to me now if you had the chance. Without going into all the details here in this letter, because face it, I think you have helped me find the answer to my question, I know that you would. I know that someday, we will talk.

Understand that I still have pain and issues that I work out. Understand that I look forward to the day when we will talk. I work at understanding and feeling forgiveness. I know that you are healing too.

Vicki

10 comments:

  1. beautifully written. I came to see how you are doing. haven't been out blogging for a bit. lost in some sad place. i set a goal today. i love how you have expressed yourself here. thanks for sharing. i believe that it is a great thing that you have done in your own healing.

    can't find your other blog. i will keep looking. i hope things are okay with your family.

    i hope you are okay.

    i hope a lot, don't I/

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  2. Found your blog thru Blog Carnival. Very well written. I can relate to a lot of it. Glad you are on a healing journey. I will visit again. God bless.

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  3. You sound like you are in a peaceful place in your journey. Well written.

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  4. My forgiveness talk with my dad was done in his hospital room filled with other people. It took place in my mind---my soul to his soul. I know by the look in his eyes that he heard my words and knew that I was finally able to forgive him. He was in the hospital for surgery for a terminal brain tumor that helped kill him a little over a year later.

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  5. Vicki, thanks for your visits to my blog. I am glad you participated in the carnival. It is so healing and comforting to get support from others isn't it? And to know we are not alone.

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  6. Wow! I am so glad that you got this post in to The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. It is awesome. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Thank you for your strength. When we are the only ones in our families of origin who get help, we are often criticized for it. But, that's just because the others who are critical do not have the courage to get help. They are too afraid. Thanks for your courage.

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  7. Vicki,
    That was powerful and brings back so many things that I have felt and delt with in my 8 years of therapy. I will write you an email later to share the story in it's short form. Thank you for sharing. Hugs, Bobbi Jo

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  8. Hey, I found you again. I can only get to this if I click on your follow me icon. So....I will have to remember that. I am glad that you are still here. Hugs to you. Hope you are doing okay. I am so thankful for all who are supporting you. It is good to see. Love, mile191

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  9. hiya, thanks for your visit. and for sharing... memories. well. yes. i can't remember a large chunk of my childhood. due to my fathers drinking, i have established now. a survival method it was. it served it's purpose, as it did for you, but somewhere along the line, it catches up, it seems. i'm glad to see you here, and will pop in again methinks!

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  10. Came back to read more. Thanks for sharing and being out there. I can relate only to well. I was 16(!!) when I went to the gynecologist and insisted on sterilisation to ensure I couldnt get kids. Believing that all mothers are like my one!!! Abandon me to her second husbands abuse by the age of 7. Obviously I didnt get a sterilisation, but the doc didnt recognize the reason behind it either. For many years part of my childhood was nothing but a back hole. You have come far and can be so proud of yourself. Hugs

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