Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Memory

I think about recovery.
Recovery from a bad childhood.
Recovery of memories from my childhood.
I think about how I have always known I didn't remember.
How is that possible? As a grown woman, I asked myself, "How is it possible that you have always remembered that you don't remember?"

I started this blog because I wanted to participate in the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, back in June. I have my own story, I haven't written about it much for a few years now, but I have one and volumes of journaling to go with it. Participating in the Carnival was an amazing experience for me. I found an entire support community of fellow bloggers all willing to lift and support each other on our journey to Thriving.

What I didn't expect was the door opening. The door which begins processing, in this case more processing, more journey, more new chances to learn how to Thrive.

As I think about this today, I am chuckling because I know how this all works, I have been here before... If I open the Door, I must go through it, I can never close the Door again.

So, back to memory recovery...
I went on a long car trip with my husband last week which always provides ample opportunity for long discussions. We talked over what I have been processing, what feels different this time, why is it different this time, etc?

This is the single biggest difference this time...
I BELIEVE MYSELF.

The first time I began recovering memories was in 1996. The last time I talked to my Therapist I said something about back when we started and we both laughed when he said he didn't remember that far back. I went into his office a few week ago, told him I was remembering things and that I knew the most important thing that I could do for Little Vicki was believe her.

Last week was also the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11 landing on the Moon, and the first Moon Walk. I was very moved as I discussed with my husband what it would be like to be in a room where doubters of these historic events would express their opinions to the Astronauts and their families. That would be an electric feeling in my opinion. That is how I feel about believing Survivors of Child Abuse, whether a survivor forgot or always remembered. There is no amount of proof which will convince a non-believer. What matters is that We believe ourselves and that we TRUST OURSELVES.


11 comments:

  1. Well said. I remember mayn years ago when I went to therapy first I told her that I never had a teddy to myself. Telling my former husband and a friend, both bought me a teddy. I felt GUILTY. I couldnt deal with the teddies. Now I got myself a teddy just 2 weeks ago. The difference: whilst I took this little crying girl by her hand and helped her trough, I never believed her myself. Isnt that amazing what I mind can do? I helped her but I didnt believe her!! I just tried to save her because I was told so by my therapist. Now I have a teddy. Its my confirmation that I finally believe the girl! The significance of the teddy has changed he is not the companion of the childhood but my faith and trust in the little girl I once was.
    Thinking of you.

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  2. you're so right. the minute we can tell those voices to 'shut up' and believe ourselves to be worthy. worthy of love, worthy of trust, worthy of better than we have, we can begin to change... beautiful post, thank you!

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  3. So much does seem to begin with ourselves. Not only in believing what's happened to us, but also believing in our worth as people. Thank you so much for the post, it is amazing what the mind locks away and reveals, isn't it?

    Take care!

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  4. Incredible post! I am experiencing that door of processing exposure myself right now. I'm learning that I have to pace myself and take things in small steps and not rush my recovery. It is so much easier for us to wear that mask that covers our pain, shame and embarrassment of what we have experienced. I am so glad that you started this blog and look forward to reading more of your wonderful posts.

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  5. So, my question is how do get yourself to remember the things that have been blocked? I don't remember my childhood at all. I think the first memories I really have start when I was about 9. I have been told that it would be very bad/hard for me to remember those things. Anyways, that is a great post and has really brought a lot of different thoughts into my head.

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  6. It sounds like you have a very supportive, understanding husband. You're so brave to have done so much work on yourself and to continue to do so. I cried looking at your photo of little Vicki, you look like such a sweetheart x

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  7. Just checking in on you and little Vicky. Hugs

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  8. Journaling is a way that helps you process your thoughts in your own little space at your own pace which you're comfortable. Persevere! It will bring you through some pain and tears..but it will reward you with more clarity and brilliance to another facet of your hidden self.

    ~Silver

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  9. Holy cow, Vicki! I don't think I've ever read anything that was so succinctly, perfectly, appropriately right on for survivors in this stage of healing. What a testimony! Thank you so much for having the courage to share this. This is the kind of sharing that is so helpful to other survivors. (Would also make a great blog carnival entry some time.)

    What else is helpful is your sweet, kind support at my blog when I was hurting so badly recently. Thank you. Bless you.

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  10. Vicki, I agree with Marj. This is so true. Like you, I have been blessed with a supportive, loving husband who listens when I need to talk through a process and who just holds me when I need to cry. This article offers such encouragement for anyone new to recovery. Thanks for sharing it.

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  11. Vicky, I am sorry that I am just now reading this post! This is so touching. I am glad that you do have supportive husband. That is so very important!! You are so very brave, and I commend you for sharing. Blessings dear one and thank you! ♥

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