Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Exhaustion

When I think about the featured topic for this month's
Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

"Back to School"
I feel one word. I feel it in my bones I feel it in my soul, I feel it everywhere I am...
Exhaustion.

I have been journaling for the past few days about just how exhausted I am. I am talking I wake up and just want to go back to sleep almost immediately. For several days now ever since my children started back to school in the middle of last week, I have been this way. I'll be honest I have been gentle with myself, kicked guilt out the door and given in to the need to rest. This is actually the first year since my children have gone to school that I have had this luxury, so I have taken full advantage.

I have been considering my almost complete lack of memories from the years when I was in elementary school. I have been going over and over what would be the clue? How would a need for sleep have anything to do with the amnesia? It has occurred to me as I write this, Little Vicki is probably pretty tired from having to keep all of those memories locked up away from me.

I want to to share a song which represents elementary school for me.

Hello by: Evanescence
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday


18 comments:

  1. you're wise to give in to your tiredness. as for the missing childhood, it'll come to you when you're ready. that's just the way things are.

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  2. Be as gentle as you can and get as much rest as possible. Good for you for doing that.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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  3. Dear Vicky, sounds liek subconsciously tehre is a lot going on inside you. Good that you atke all the rest you need. I have worked hard and managed to fill years of suppressed time. However I came to accept that there is still some time missing. It is ok. Please take good care of yourself. Hugs to you

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  4. I am so glad to hear that you are taking care of YOU! That is one of the hardest things I find myself being able to do! I pray that you will be able to feel some comfort soon. Hugs dear one!

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  5. I think you might just be tired. But, I often do something strange or slightly out of kilter just before I remember something awful.

    In either case, I've learned to ignore my need to know - you will know when the time is right. Actually, relaxing bring on the memories for me!

    I hope repressed memories are not your problem, tho, really.

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  6. Enjoy your rest dear Vicki
    Snuggle up tight
    Though you fret and you wonder
    It will all be alright
    X

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  7. I have few memories myself for that time period and even after. Perhaps you are tired from keeping the repressed emotions and memories from yourself? Take care of yourself! <3

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  8. Hello,
    I have been wanting to do this because I always love to read the response comments back to me. SO... here goes,
    Shadow, Kate, Paula, Rhonda, Ivory, Speck of Dust, and Issue Knitter,
    I can't say enough for the sweetness and comfort I feel from your comments.
    I am actually doing very well today.
    Thank you for your support my friends.

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  9. Dear one I hear you.... ((((Vicky)))) ♥

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  10. Thanks for listening JBR, and for the Hug. ♥

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  11. Vicki, you may remember one day and you may not. When you need to rest, give yourself the break and go rest. Your family won't fall apart when you take care of yourself. Instead of waiting and beating yourself up for not remembering, work with what you do have. Go from there. The not remembering protecting the small child in you who couldn't deal with the memories. She may not ever be brave enough to allow you to regain the memories. If she is, great. If she isn't, that is ok too. You don't have to remember it all.

    I gain so much from your sharing. Most survivors in our online community are so much younger than you and I are. I feel that I have so much in common with you and with Colleen because we are close in ages and past experiences. Thanks for sharing your blog articles.

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  12. Hey friend. I am back. Sort of. I haven't ventured out here in blog world, and my computer is up and down, but I wanted to take the time for sure to say hello. You have been doing a lot of healing here, give yourself time to rest, and guilt free rest, or you will be doing it over and over, take it from a pro at that. I tend to re do all my healing because I never give myself enough time or credit. hugs, my friend. missed you too.

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  13. Hi Patricia,
    Thank you for the great advice.
    I know that you are right, I do have plenty to go on besides, speaking of bravery, she is waiting for me to make a few brave steps of my own. ;)
    More on that later. Thank you for always making me feel important.

    Mile,
    I have missed your sweet comments more than I can say.
    Thanks for being here, yeah, guilt is NO Good!!!

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  14. Thinking of you Vicki and sending hugs! I restored my blog, A Peaceful Place...I have missed that blog. Praying you have a peaceful day!

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  15. Jamey,
    I am so happy to hear that you missed that beautiful peaceful place as much as I did!

    Will you please send me the link again?!

    Thank you for visiting!

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  16. There are few things more exhausting than emotional processing except perhaps trying desperately not to feel or process. Been there, done both. (((((((Hugs)))))))

    When I think of school I remember how it saved me because there I wasn't so flawed or "bad." It almost destroyed me because I couldn't fit in and other kids mocked me horribly. The good thing is that now I can put it all in its place.

    Hmmm. Am I rambling? Probably. I'm still a bit tired from my trip. Take care of YOU and if you're tired you're entitled to rest.

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  17. I'm right there with you. I slept until 10:30 this morning and now it's only 7:30 p.m. and I want to go back to bed already. I feel like somebody hooked up a big vacuum hose to me and sucked everything out. I'm like a dry, hollow husk.

    Safe hugs. ((((((((((((Vicki))))))))))))

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  18. Thank you so much for sharing. I have only recently started therapy and have been diagnosed with DID. I feel quite alone and do not really know what to do.

    I am similarly unable to remember anything from Primary School (Elementary School). I didnt used to think anything of it, until I started spending time with my friend's children, hearing them talk about after school basketball, school plays and kiss chasey. I wondered how could it be that all those years could simply be wiped away? I started questioning my friends, and every single one can recall detailed, linear memories. I cant remember one single friend, a teacher, school building or class activity from early primary school.

    I also find while reading these blogs, or if I try and think too hard about aspects of my past I am suddenly incredibly sleepy, and will literally fall asleep while half way through reading a sentence, like a light has been switched off.

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