Monday, August 24, 2009

On My To Do List



I have a favorite artist, her name is Tiffany Arbuckle Lee, she goes by Plumb. One of my favorite songs of hers is over there on my play list In My Arms.

I heard one of her songs in a new way this past weekend because of something I need to do. I need to stop seeing my mom for right now, I don't know for how long, maybe forever. 13 years ago this summer I sent my parents a letter telling them I couldn't see them for awhile because I was working on my abuse issues with a counselor and asked them not to contact me. I spent much of my healing back then, doing this, "She stands alone defending her name." It was hard, I did it a lot, to pretty much anyone who would listen, especially my siblings.

I don't know how I will let my mom know this time. I haven't decided that yet. I do know that I will be calling my baby sister before my therapy session tomorrow afternoon to tell her that I won't be at my mom's birthday lunch next Saturday.



I don't intend to stand defending my name this time, in fact I think I will say very little. I want to be strong, I need to be strong, for little vicki. I think it is the Least I can do after all that she did for me. I am proud of myself for trusting myself, it feels good.

I really love the last line of the song... Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I think that is a very good thing to do. I'll put that on my list also.


Nice Naive And Beautiful lyrics

She's only known heartache and pain
But she's never known pain like this
She stands alone defending her name
When all that she's done is be who she is
Well is it so wrong to be who we are
When all she's done is fail

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why does she get taken advantage
Why does she live in a world so cold
She takes advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part
Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place
Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt

Maybe she could set it free

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why did she get taken for granted
Why did she live in a world so cold
He took advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

If you've been there you know
If you're still there hang on
We're all dealt our lumps of coal
What you do with it can turn beautiful
Well there's a life outside of this madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place
That's restraining your love

9 comments:

  1. I trust you will find the words to disconnect this time. You have prooven to be strong and you will make your way. I have no doubt about that. And we will be here for you. Virtually holding your hand. Hugs

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  2. Dearest Vicki my heart goes out to you. I just know how difficult this must be for you. I've been reading the NieNie blog that you wrote about a few posts back and have been really amazed at the support she has in her family. It's not something I've never known. I wish I was bringing my boy up in a large, busy, loving family. But like you I have to think about myself and family is something I really have difficulty with. So I have to do the best I can. It breaks my heart!

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  3. its when we heal the child within, that the grown-up we are, can live again... love and hugs dear vicki!

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  4. Thanks for sharing this, Vicki. I really related to that song. I really relate to what you need to do with your mother, too. I'm sending strength and courage vibes for you to be true to yourself. Good for you! You go!

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  5. Vicki, you are strong and beautiful. You have already survived the worst when you were little Vicki. Sometimes taking care of yourself means shutting out family members who are still abusing you or still denying that anything happened. Take care of yourself. Hugs and blessings to you from me and to little Vicki from little Pattie.

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  6. Dear Everyone!!
    I am sorry this has taken me so long to respond, I am in a strange place, very up and down.

    Paula,
    Thank you and for "holding My hand" that means the world to me. I really needed it.


    Speck of Dust,
    Thank you so much, I know that you know just how hard it is.
    I am so happy to hear that you have read some of NieNie's blog, she is such an inspiration to me.
    Yesterday my Therapist said, "Families make noise, your family does not want you to make noise." I think that is why a family like Nie's is so successful, they understand Noise.


    Shadow,
    I always get so happy to read your comments.
    You are a Shadow I always need around.


    Marj,
    You are so welcome. I am so glad I put this out there, because it kept me accountable when the time came. I found it so hard to tell my sister.
    Thank you for all of your supportive vibes. I really felt them. Glad you liked the song.


    Patricia,
    I really like my little Pattie hug, I wish I had a friend like you when I was little. ;)
    I appreciate your support so much.
    Funny that you are so insightful. But that is just exactly what my Therapist suggested I could tell my mom, "I just have a hard time with someone who continues to not consider what I have to say and never believes me about things that are important to me."
    Great minds think alike.

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  7. Hi Vicki,

    It takes a lot of courage to shun someone who abused you. I know. You are that courageous. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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  8. Thank you for believing in me Kate. That means so much to me.

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  9. Hi Vicki,

    I don't mean to imply that those who see their abusers are wrong or bad or not courageous. Just that to do so, even for a day, any time takes a lot of courage. And I wish to honor your courage in your healing work.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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