Saturday, August 1, 2009

Saying IT Out Loud.

There are reasons
reasons why it is hard to talk in therapy
hard to make yourself say the words
hard to let them out of your mouth even if you want to.

Reasons why I fear the pain I feel
will overpower who I am and make me someone
I don't know.

I don't say the words
the words won't come out.
I think I am afraid of what they mean.

Because I won't say them
we sit and talk,
talk and talk about what I might do about this
or what I might do about that.

The Dr. see, he is a smart guy
he knows that if I don't say it
say it out loud, make myself say it to him
I'll be back in the place I was before.
All those years ago...

In that place
I questioned everything.
I was TERRIFIED
terrified that I had made the whole thing up.

That place took a good long time
to overcome.

I felt as if I had been blasted open
filleted wide open.
A walking billboard.
Hey look at that girl, did you know there is INCEST in her family?

So I know the Dr.
about some things, believe me not all,
he has excruciating patience.
He will wait, he will make me work, he'll even make
Therapy as uncomfortable as Hell if he has to.
But, He will wait till the words come out of My Mouth.

It was my mother.
O My God,
How does a mother hurt her child that way?
Seriously, God, I am asking this question of you!
I am a Mother, I am a Grandmother.
It makes no sense at all...
there is nothing comprehendable here.
Yeah, spell check I made the damn word up
COMPREHENDABLE...
I even added it to my dictionary so I could use it again if I want to.

So, here it is, I will walk in that room
I don't know if I will sit or stand?
Last time when I told him
my dad had molested me
I stood.

I think Molested is not an appropriate word for such things...
Molested means to bother,
yeah, I don't think it fits.

If an animal mother has to, she just eats her baby.
I think that might be a better thing to have done.
Molested is not the right word?


8 comments:

  1. The right word will come in time when you are able to face the pain, the broken innocence and what "could" have been different in your life. Hang in there Honey, you are close and oyu will make it through. I know that. I know because if you wouldnt not have been ready to face it, you would have closed that door 5 month ago. I never wanted to have kids afraid it means I have to afflict such pain upon them. My mother was the only concept of mother I had. I truly can feel with you. Tons of hugs. I am thinking of you.
    P.S. do you know this page? It is relaly helpful: www.help4trauma.org

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  2. Dear, had to return and give you one more hug.

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  3. Tears came to my eyes reading your amazing poem. I would probably go into floods if it wasn't for having a two year old sitting on my knee. I had a difficult day yesterday. Saw my parents. Tried to tell my husband about anxieties I had and he said my dad was fine with D. Felt as though he was dismissing my feelings. Made me think 'it's all in my head, I'm the problem'. At this point I feel the rage come over me. Try to talk to him some more but I'm gone in that. D who had missed his nap screamed and screamed for nearly an hour.I sat there calmly. Thought that he must know there is something wrong with me. Children are so sensitive. He's expressing what I can't. Then I lost my temper shouted for him to stop. I had to leave him for my husband to deal with knowing that would be worse because he only wants to be with me. I fretted. How can I learn to communicate with and trust my husband more? How can I get rid of the negative thoughts? How will I write about this in my blog? What will I tell me therapist when I see him for the last time in who knows how long this Wed. I slept well with strange dreams that didn't make much sense. Woke up with memories that didn't make much sense or prove anything. Thought of you this morning.

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  4. Vicki,

    I started this comment and then didn't (still don't know) what to say. At times like this, my T often says something about the bad guys being shackled and thrown into the depths of the sea and it's best that they'd never been born; but, it's really not about them anymore it is about you.

    You need to know that no matter what was done, you are still the innocent one. I have coping problems with feeling at fault for so many things, but in the middle of the night, when I cannot sleep and I'm sitting here blogging, I know I am not to blame. Neither are you.

    Hugs.

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  5. you are on your way... to healing. to becoming who you're meant to be - yourself.

    i found one of the biggest reasons i couldn't/wouldn't say something, is that by admitting it, i couldn't hide behind it any longer, as in - i'd have to face it, fears and all, and make changes. and changes scared the c*&# outta me.... not quite the same for you, our circumstances for difference, just an observation from my side....

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  6. vicki- i don't know how i missed one of your msg for me under 'Calling for JT'. That one moved me. Thks.

    Vicki. You are a beautiful woman. Deep within you. Not everyone can see but there's so much there.. so much goodness and beauty there.

    Not everything that had happened had been good. You were made stronger by them. You can survive anything now.

    ~Silver

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  7. I had to grab the tissues reading this post. You are such an amazing woman! This was beautifully written. {{{HUGS}}}} ~Rhonda

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  8. I have often asked how any parent could do something harmful to their children. Like you, this is not comprehendable to me either. Are you sure comprehendable was just a word that you made up. It makes sense to me.

    For me as a woman, my issues with my mother were harder to face and work through. I probably still haven't finished with those. My reasoning says it is because as a woman, my mother was the main role model for who I am as woman. Let me say that again. For who I am as a woman. All of my ideas, both healthy and not healthy, of what it means to be a woman are tied up with those abuse issues that I have with my mother.

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