Saturday, September 5, 2009
Answers from little vicki
I have tried for over a week now as the adult Vicki to write about my experiences I recently had where little vicki communicated with me. The great thing is that she has been trying to tell me things and has had unending patience while I have tried to understand them.
The question I have wrestled with most recently is, "How does being so very sleepy connect with my abuse? The question I have always had is "How have I always known that I forgot?" Patricia commented that perhaps I could start with what I do know and not try so hard to remember. Great advice thank you. I also shared with Kate an experience I had once, where I believe God answered one of my questions. As I wrote to her about that answer, the one from God, I realized that the very same answer could have also come from little vicki. Before I reveal the question and the answer please let me interject two important points here.
1. If I hadn't taken the time to slow down and really listen as insight came from these two women who care about my healing, I WOULD HAVE MISSED IT!
2. I needed these friends and I trusted that they believe in me and my ability to FIND THE ANSWERS.
I asked God one day, "What exactly is it that you tell me as you send me into this family, to these parents, knowing what I will endure?"
He gently answered, "I told you, you will forget." I realized when I told Kate this story that little vicki could have given me the very same answer.
As I spent some time working this all out in words and telling my husband Jared, the pieces began to fit together like a puzzle. I started with what I have always known, I forgot. If God did indeed tell me that I would forget and I know with all of my heart that He did, then little vicki would know this and when she was sad and hurting and afraid she would have talked to herself and gently said, "Don't worry, you will forget."
As for why am I so sleepy and why is this a clue or body memory? It is very simple, now that other puzzle pieces are in place. I was a child, I lived my life, I don't remember most of it... I went to sleep.
The very best part of acknowledging body memories and honoring them is that they can begin to heal. I am feeling more energetic and less and less sleepy.
Stephen King: Pet Sematary
It's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls - as little as one may like to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. And the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring, unrelenting sanity. That such events have their own Rube Goldberg absurdity goes almost without saying. At some point, it all starts to become rather funny. That may be the point at which sanity begins either to save itself or to buckle and break down; that point at which one's sense of humor begins to reassert itself.