Saturday, September 5, 2009

Answers from little vicki

I have tried for over a week now as the adult Vicki to write about my experiences I recently had where little vicki communicated with me. The great thing is that she has been trying to tell me things and has had unending patience while I have tried to understand them.

The question I have wrestled with most recently is, "How does being so very sleepy connect with my abuse? The question I have always had is "How have I always known that I forgot?" Patricia commented that perhaps I could start with what I do know and not try so hard to remember. Great advice thank you. I also shared with Kate an experience I had once, where I believe God answered one of my questions. As I wrote to her about that answer, the one from God, I realized that the very same answer could have also come from little vicki. Before I reveal the question and the answer please let me interject two important points here.

1. If I hadn't taken the time to slow down and really listen as insight came from these two women who care about my healing, I WOULD HAVE MISSED IT!

2. I needed these friends and I trusted that they believe in me and my ability to FIND THE ANSWERS.

I asked God one day, "What exactly is it that you tell me as you send me into this family, to these parents, knowing what I will endure?"
He gently answered, "I told you, you will forget." I realized when I told Kate this story that little vicki could have given me the very same answer.

As I spent some time working this all out in words and telling my husband Jared, the pieces began to fit together like a puzzle. I started with what I have always known, I forgot. If God did indeed tell me that I would forget and I know with all of my heart that He did, then little vicki would know this and when she was sad and hurting and afraid she would have talked to herself and gently said, "Don't worry, you will forget."

As for why am I so sleepy and why is this a clue or body memory? It is very simple, now that other puzzle pieces are in place. I was a child, I lived my life, I don't remember most of it... I went to sleep.

The very best part of acknowledging body memories and honoring them is that they can begin to heal. I am feeling more energetic and less and less sleepy.

Stephen King:
Pet Sematary

It's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls - as little as one may like to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. And the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring, unrelenting sanity. That such events have their own Rube Goldberg absurdity goes almost without saying. At some point, it all starts to become rather funny. That may be the point at which sanity begins either to save itself or to buckle and break down; that point at which one's sense of humor begins to reassert itself.


  1. God has a way of rebuilding all the walls that have been broken down, restoring and recovering all that was lost. It's good to remember where you came from and what He brought you through. I like the idea of listening to little Vicki. And then telling her how amazing your life is and how miraculous it will be in spite of it all. God bless you.

  2. Today Vicki, I have written a letter to myself from my inner child. I feel a wholeness I've never felt before. I can understand your week long struggle to explain your experience. Well done!!! This sounds like some really positive self-awareness you've had. Really, incredibly well done! I understand the exhaustion. I slept through most of college when I wasn't having panic attacks. Isn't it amazing who you are, how far you've come!! Aren't you just the most amazing person I have ever met?! A perfect, shining person! X

  3. I am so sorry for the HURTS of your childhood. I can relate and sympathize and empathize.......and I admire you growing and thriving......... your words are so helpful to me in my own recovery.

    I use my real name and pictures because as a child I had to keep secrets; and now I want to not have secrets and I want to share and not be ashamed.

    As a child I was a victim; but as an adult (even if it is in my late 40s) I can grow up and grow strong and have the GREAT LIFE I was meant to have; and have Happiness and Serenity.. and be in recovery and the blogs are helping me contribute and also absorb.

    Thank you for your honesty..

    You have a lot in common that you post your real picture; same as me; which I know some of my friends say not to do for safety reasons.. but I need to do so for me at this time. I need to not have secrets ..

    Betty Ann

  4. Madison,
    Yes, God is so good and He builds us into more than we can imagine. Thank you for your kind comments, I am enjoying very much getting to know the little me inside.

  5. Speck of Dust,
    I am so happy that you shared with me about your letter. That wholeness you have is precious. We are whole, the child is us and we are the child. Amazing isn't it?
    I know you understand why it took so long to express it, sometimes things just have to sit in our hearts for awhile.
    Yes my friend, we have both come down a long path, thank you for your sweet sentiments, I am humbled. We are just going to keep on the path and become brighter and brighter.

  6. Betty Ann,
    Amen sister.
    I respect so much those who don't use their name or picture for whatever reason.
    I am with you, I will not keep the secret anymore.
    I am so happy that we can help each other on our road to recovery.
    You inspire me.

  7. Hi Vicki,

    Sister, I believe in you. I believe in your ability to find your answers.

    I wanted to say that in my childhood I was constantly tired, didn't get enough sleep, and on top of that I was too frightened to get deep sleep. I was often abused late at night and at nap time when little. Those were times I had to be more vigilant. Just a thought, that perhaps that is a part of your childhood. It makes sense that it could be body memories.

    As well I wanted to add that remembering anything can be exhausting and leave this kind of effect on someone for some time. It does get better in time. Good and healing thoughts to you.


  8. Vicki,
    Forgetting. Yes, we forget. My littles are more verbal than yours, I think. They came right out in therapy and announced they weren't going to talk about "it". They couldn't because I didn't know yet (meaning I hadn't remembered it all yet). Mr.S told me this is what they did, I don't remember when they are out. I get sleepy, too, when I'm about to remember things or just after when I'm stressed over remembering. I think it is also part of the healing process.

  9. I love that you both Vicki and Betty Ann choose to use your picture and name and you have incredible strength to be able to do so.

    I choose not to use my name or picture to preserve the love that exists in my family in spite of the abuse and hurts we have caused each other.

    Also, my spirit has no name, and my blog is a reminder that I can transcend the limitations of my earthly body to have a full understanding of oneness with the world and everything in it.

    Thank you for writing your thoughts which has prompted me to consider mine.

  10. sleep has always been my escape route too. and when my sleeping patterns start stretching, i now know there's something afoot...

    and brilliant advise. when you can't figure out something, step back for a while. that's when the answers come.

  11. Hey Vickie, I think it's so neat you're finding the answers and with finding the answers, you are experiencing more energy. I feel your struggles and your pain. But you are healing. Wishing you a gentle day. Sarah

  12. If you are like me, going to sleep was one way either to stave off the abuse or not to feel it. I slept a lot as a child. Fortunately, as an adult, I don't need to have sleep as a defensive mechanism.

  13. I created a complte new idendity! Took my 28 years to overcome and started only when I hit my therapist's room with 35!

  14. God speaks through many voices...why not little Vicki's? I am so proud of you for the hard healing work that you are doing. I wish you peace and rest, energy and strength for this journey.

  15. Vicki, I am glad that my words could help you to find your own answers. I remember being tired for most of my life. Keeping secrets and being fearful of more abuse uses a lot of your energy. The constant stress of living in a home where abuse happens takes its toll on your mind and body. Like Marj, I am so proud of you for the work that you are doing. As someone else told me recently, "You go girl."