Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am Here

I am not really sure how this post will go so I am just going to start I think I will take a title from one of my blogger friends. She calls posts like this "Random Randomness"

I realized I had something that is coherent in my brain when I read Faith's article on Being Present today. I recommend it. I sat there and though about the wonderful parts of my life that I am able to be "Present" for because of all the hard and sometimes tedious work of healing that I have done since I quit denying that the abuse I suffered mattered.
I can hear the words ringing in my ears from my last therapy session, "Why do we do this work, Vicki?" "I don't remember, (sobbing) can you remind me?" "We do it for OURSELVES!"
Faith spoke of remembering the very first time she felt "Present." It was so clear for her.
I sat there and though do I remember my very first time? To be perfectly honest I am so different from what I used to be I live my life quite present moment. I take things very slow, I don't push myself faster than I am able very often.
I have a grandson, so I spend countless hours of time just being with him, playing with him, talking to him, experiencing the grand life of a wonderful two year old. My children are growing teenagers so other than taxi service and unlimited listening from me they do pretty well.
After I thought for a moment I was able to remember the first time I was present. This was glorious, because I was able to witness what it felt like to call up a memory. I sat there though about it and there it was. AMAZING!
I remember knowing that the moment I was experiencing was precious. I remember knowing instinctively that I wanted to remember the moment always.
It happened many years ago, I hadn't been in therapy very long. I was just loitering at my back door sitting there on the ground with my husband. Our children were little and playing outside. I lay back and while I was looking up I noticed the Sky, really really noticed it. Saw how blue it was, the immensity of it, and the beauty. I remember breathing and just taking it all in and wondering if I had never really looked at it before. It is a wonderful thing to have such a peaceful memory.

For me this is what being present is about, the acceptance of where we are that day, our non judgment of ourselves. When we leave the “shoulds” behind and just accept what is.

I have survived an entire week with no contact from my family of origin. I have one niece who is the same age as my children, who has continued to come over just like normal. She even called me the other day wondering if I could feed her lunch because she was "starving" at school! That was a Lovely surprise visit. No one has called and other than my unnecessary fears when the phone rings it has been peaceful and calm. I say No News is Good News.

I have had such an incredible outpouring of support from all of you Here In My World. Thank you so much. You mean the world to me. I will get back to you and thank you for your loving comments which have kept me lifted. It will take me awhile and I am so very grateful for you support. I need you to know that I couldn't have done it without you all.


  1. Beautiful reminder that we are always one step ahead or looking back. It's a decision to live in the present - at least for me anyway. Bless you.

  2. I'm PRESENT almost 24/7 now. Very very hard work; but damn (sorry) it was worth it.

    I spoke at ACOA last Wednesday after being a member only for a few months; i did the 15 minute speech in front of 40 so Manhattanites. I feel full of humility and glad to be alive..not just a Survivor but A thriving member of the human race.

  3. Hugs. Self acceptance is so hard. I know. What a gift to have that peaceful memory. Moments like that give us strength to cope. God bless.

  4. I read that post on Being Present. She hit it on the head for how I feel, too!

    I have not seen some of my family members for 4 years. We used to gather for every birthday and every holiday - they want me to come back. I can't, they are too toxic. I love them dearly. However, just before I walked out of their lives, a friend grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard. I was crying. She was angry and desperate to help me. She let me go and said so softly I nearly missed it, "You don't have to push them out of your life, just take a step out of theirs. You need to survive." That's what I did and I am surviving because of it. I cry, I break pencils, I beat myself up, but in the end, I'm always glad that I collected myself and stepped out of the toxicity to take that first breath of fresh air.

    You will survive, you are stronger than you think.

  5. Thanks Madison!
    We can decide sometimes every day, every hour, even in the minute.

    Betty Ann,
    You are so brave. I am so very proud of you for the courage you had to speak at that meeting. I wish I could have heard you!!

    Thank you for the tender support. Yes, it is a cherished memory and I am grateful to have recorded it.

    Thank you for sharing of yourself with me. It helps so much. I am so glad that your friend cared enough to tell you that. That is exactly what I am hoping for to set the boundary so that I can feel safe, (little vicki) but still go to things if it feels right. Only time will tell.
    Thank you for your loving encouragement!

  6. Hi Vicki, this is the first time I've seen your blog. I'm so glad you sent that letter. That must have been really hard. I find quite a battle sometimes to stand up and do what the "little one" needs. You are brave and strong. I hope you are feeling proud of yourself too :) I'm glad there hasn't been a stormy response yet. Grace, blueorchid

  7. strange. i too noticed nature. shortly after becoming sober, that is what caught me. the sights, the sounds, the colours, the textures. it was like i was re-discovering my world... hugs and love sweet vicki!

  8. Hello Blueorchid8.
    Yes, I know that you know how difficult this is. I sense that we are working on some of the same issues. I am proud of myself, thank you.
    Grace to you also.

    Must be because nature is so near to God and Heaven. What would I do with out you there?
    Hugs to you my friend.

  9. Hi Vicki,

    I'm glad that there is no contact. I know you are doing great and have a lot to be proud of. Being present... priceless.

  10. Vicky I am so very proud of you and all the hard work you have done. It is incredible. Sometimes we get reminded HOW we used to act and looking at ourselves NOW it is such a difference. Boah,isnt it great to date and love onself. Yepp, on some days it is still harder but you want to soar and no one gotta stop you. Love you.

  11. I seem to be leaving comments about setting healthy boundaries tonight. What you did with your letter was to set healthy boundaries with your family so that you can feel safe. That is a good thing even though your family doesn't see it that way. Ignoring you is probably for the best for you. That is much better for being verbally bashed with their denial of the problem. Silence can be golden in an instance like this. Congratulations on taking good care of yourself and Little Vicki.

  12. I had my first experience with feeling present! I was just having a normal quiet evening, cooked dinner with my darling man, we were watching dvds, when it suddenly occured to me that things seemed sharper and clearer, somehow more in focus. There wasn't the usual chatter going on in my head or the sick, anxious feeling, and I felt strangely whole, for the first time ever. I also felt happy. I realised that until that moment I've never felt truly happy in my whole life (that I can remember). It was an incredible feeling.

    Reading your posts, knowing there are kind people who understand has really helped me. Thank you.

  13. Errantways,
    Your name just delights me and make me wish I had thought of that. ;)
    How wonderful that you could have this lovely evening and recognize your contentment. I love what you said about things being sharper and clearer. It is like putting on glasses. I am so glad you recognized "happy". This is not a small thing. I have found that as I recognize and appreciate these moments I begin to recognize them more often and like you said it is those simple times which I treasure most.

    I am so very humbled to know you are finding help by reading. I want this to be a kind place. There are some of the kindest hearts I have ever imagined. It is my great blessing to have this support and to have you here.

    I have adored reading your writing and I just want a book, someday you'll have to do something about that. ;)

  14. Kate!
    I know it has been so much easier than I thought.
    I am so relieved. Frankly impressed. :) ♥

    Paula, You being proud of me heals a spot that aches. Thank you my friend. ♥

    Big and little vicki thank you Patricia!
    I know, it is a relief that they have remained silent. I think it has brought me so much peace.