Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Letter to little vicki

Dear little vicki,

You have been so patient with me as I try to learn what it is you are saying to me.
Thank you and I love you for this. I love you so much. Right now I have a picture of you from when we were 3 and 1/2 years old I look at it so much and try to imagine just how amazing and wonderful we were. Your eyes are so sweet and I love the smile on your little face. I am looking at your cute glasses and realizing that I have blue glasses like you did right now today. I love my glasses and I have people tell me all of the time what great glasses they are. Your hair is so red I just love that color. I had Dray, that is my friend who does my hair for me, color my hair a pretty dark red. I love it so much, it is not as pretty as yours but still very nice and red again.

I have appreciated how you gently answer my questions one at a time. This has been very nice, having you trust me. I want you to know that I will keep us safe. I told our sister T. a little about what is going on, not very much but a little. When she found out about me not coming to mom's birthday she asked if more "things" were happening. She was so kind and really very sad for me but she gets it. I told her that what has happened is my realizing that I just can't be around people who don't believe me or give a crap about things that are important to me. I told her that mom has never believed me and that I can't tolerate that right now. I don't feel like telling her, at least for now what I am remembering about mom. Telling her doesn't feel safe.
She told me to remember that she is a good listener. That is true, we have been that for each other for several years now.

Our sister K. she is confused. I didn't tell her anything beyond that I had some things I am dealing with right now. She didn't at least at first even consider that I was having a problem with mom. I have been keeping the peace for so long now, I don't think it even occurred to her. I think it will be pretty easy to explain it to her the same way I did to T. when the time is right.
The sad thing is either it will or it won't then put K. in the same category as mom, someone who doesn't believe me, because she never did before. That will be very sad for us if she chooses to be angry and in denial but standing here protecting us is just not an option anymore. The cracks in the foundation of my relationship with K. have to be addressed and repaired, or the building will crumble anyway.

Now as to mom. Well, I haven't talked to her yet, I am sure I am afraid to. I am afraid that I will mess up. I know that is silly, since there is nothing to mess up, I just need to do it. I am glad you have been patient with me. Dr. H. says she probably is afraid. I said, she is not afraid of me. He said sure she is, she know you have the ability to talk and stir things up like before. I don't know what she is but she hasn't called or come over which has been a little unusual. He said we could be less revealing than we were last time and just tell her I just have a problem right now with her because she doesn't believe me when I tell her about things that are important to me. I said, (playing the part of mom), "Vicki, I don't know what you are talking about." Dr H. said, "Exactly Mom, that is the problem, you don't listen to me, so it doesn't matter." And I will tell her to not come to my house.

So, here is an idea. I will take your hand because I really like holding hands with 3 year olds, those are some very sweet hands, we will call her on the phone and tell her together. Do you like that idea? We can set a timer and keep it very short. She probably will have nothing to say or might hang up on us, I am not sure. We will just be ready for anything and take it as it comes but we won't get into a confrontation about this. When we are done with the phone call we will think and feel our feelings and then go out for ice cream and celebrate that we did it together.

It's you and me kid. xoxo
Big Vicki


  1. Me too. You are not alone.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  2. Little Vicky, Big Vicky, I am honored if you allow my to be on your side too. You are so very gentle with both of you.
    Love to you

  3. love, hugs, and hope to both of you! xoxo, trina

  4. the journey is so hard, the memories so painful but you are connected to the little vickie who holds the pain and shame. I am honored to be part of your healing journey. I think you are an amazing person. Sarah

  5. Hi, Vicki -

    This is a very powerful letter! It honors the past, the present and the future! Great work!

    - Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

  6. Dear Speck of Dust, Kate, and Paula,
    Thank you for your kind support. I know that we are not alone, we shall form a circle and there I shall feel safe.
    Dear JBR and Delightsgal,
    I love your hugs and I do feel so much hope from you both.
    Dear Sarah, I am honored to have you with me on my healing journey. My circle of support is larger than I ever dreamed possible.
    And of course Marie,
    Thank you for being here and for inspiring me to do some of the harder work.

  7. I think these letters are a good, healing idea. Also getting out a picture of yourself when you were a child. Rough, though. Take gentle care (((((((Vicki)))))))

  8. What a tender and sweet way to communicate! Planning and preparing in such a way seems like a good strategy. Take care! <3

  9. I am adding my hugs and support to the group too. I remember how hard I shook when I had my phone conversation with my dad to tell him that he could no longer be a part of my life because of the abuse. He tried to interrupt me and I told him to just shut up and listen. After I finished, we both hung up the phone. I don't think that I have ever been that scared in my life. The healing that happened was worth the fear.