Friday, October 23, 2009

Learning to Talk


Last week I sat there struggling to get any words out in my therapy session. I couldn't make sense of what was in my head. We discussed the benefits to me if I could find a way to express myself. I felt as if I might be back at the very beginning. Dr H gave me a verbal list of how I might begin to talk through journaling letters etc. I asked could I use pictures. He said of course.


I began a new journal wherein I printed off some of my collage sets from polyvore and let them tell some of what I needed to say. I have needed to do this for some time now, I am such a visual learner. The pictures helped little vicki tell some of the story. Big Vicki well, she doesn't like to talk about "it" and doesn't want to. I learned by doing this written/collage journal that little vicki does want to talk to the Dr. and when I don't tell him what she has shared with me them she quits talking to me.


So I took this new journal to Dr H. this week. I asked him if I could just stay out in the waiting room while he looked at it and read it. I just can't stay present while he is reading journaling I slip away somewhere far away and live in fear till he is finished. We have been doing this for many years and I have just recently told him that I leave when he reads some of my journal to me or talks about it with me.


When I came in his office after he had finished reading I felt very small and far away and I sat as far away as I could. But... I stayed I listened I heard what he was saying and answered the questions he asked. I told him I didn't know if I didn't know the answer. I told him I would try to find out the answer to questions I couldn't answer.


This journal session was a good way for me to have therapy.

14 comments:

  1. I am glad that you have taken to making collages. Sometimes it does seem easier to release memories and emotions in other ways. I think it can also be soothing, even for more troubling topics. I am glad your therapist agrees to this. Take care! <3

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  2. I really felt the fear and uncomfortableness that you describe vicki as I was reading your post! I really know the feeling of sitting in that therapy room feeling so afraid, ashamed, that I would 'leave'. I wished I could do therapy by email rather than face to face. (I have found that with this blog in a way). I'm sure I've developed a phobia of leather chairs! I think your collage is amazing work. And your self-awareness is amazing. X

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  3. I used to excuse myself and go throw up. Eeewww. Every now and again, I feel the need to cut, or throw up, or run screaming from the room. And that's before I get upset.

    Therapy is so hard on us all, but it eventually pays off. How I finally beat the dragon was when one of my alters came (Navy - my courage) and told my T just a tiny itty bit of something that i found shameful to share. Then, I just watched him. He watched me, I watched him. When he didn't sneer, laugh, or run from the room, I shared a bit more. Before long, I couldn't get it out fast enough!

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  4. I did not know you were going through this level of difficulty and for so long. You are stronger than you think to stick with it and to face yourself. God bless you each and every day as you take your steps forward.

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  5. Hi Vicky,

    Huge progress in using your collages. I'm so glad you were able to show them. This is tough stuff. Good for you. This collage is very visceral and very difficult. It takes a lot of guts. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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  6. Wonderful post, so evocative for me. I haven't been in therapy for a while, and have been thinking of going back sometime soonish. Reading your blog is kind of like therapy.

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  7. I am glad Vicki that you are able to express yourself through your written/collage journal.
    Thinking of you today and praying for you.

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  8. Your collage was powerful. I know how hard it is to feel so exposed and vulnerable. You are very courageous. BTW, I finally figured out how to join the survivor group on Polyvore. Hugs.

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  9. Vicki, I agree- your collage speaks so much about your feelings. You are becoming stronger, so brave. Hang in there, girlfriend. You have a treasury of friends to help you along the way. Blessings, my dear. Love, DD

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  10. Vicki,

    How wonderful that you found a way to communicate! I remember how my throat would literally close up so that I couldn't speak at times. (That was one of the reasons it was so important to me to have a therapist who was really good at reading body language.) When kids grow up abused and threatened if they tell, then telling is a very hard thing to do--even when we become adults and are far away from our abuser(s) and safe.

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  11. wow we are also using a lot of visuals in our therapy right noiw as words are also failing us a lot

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  12. You are very visual.. that is great .. it seems to be a way for you to HEAL.. !!

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  13. Vicki,

    I like the idea of this, of having your therapist read your journal while you wait in another room. It's a creative way for self-expression without exposing yourself to the fear that would paralyze you if you had to sit and watch as he read.

    I too wouldn't be able to stand having my journal read in my presence!

    (Beautifuldreamer)

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  14. It is wonderful that your therapist is understanding of your need to tell your story in another way other than through words. I wonder if the memories that you are dealing with right now come from a time in your childhood before you learned to speak?

    I have a painting of myself as a child that I did early in my counseling sessions. That child has no mouth because she didn't feel like she could talk. Her fear of no one listening to her if she did talk was so strong. She didn't think that she had a voice.

    I have images in my head of myself as a baby feeling disgusted and unloved by my parents. I don't have any memories to explain where those feelings came from.

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