Last week I sat there struggling to get any words out in my therapy session. I couldn't make sense of what was in my head. We discussed the benefits to me if I could find a way to express myself. I felt as if I might be back at the very beginning. Dr H gave me a verbal list of how I might begin to talk through journaling letters etc. I asked could I use pictures. He said of course.
I began a new journal wherein I printed off some of my collage sets from polyvore and let them tell some of what I needed to say. I have needed to do this for some time now, I am such a visual learner. The pictures helped little vicki tell some of the story. Big Vicki well, she doesn't like to talk about "it" and doesn't want to. I learned by doing this written/collage journal that little vicki does want to talk to the Dr. and when I don't tell him what she has shared with me them she quits talking to me.
So I took this new journal to Dr H. this week. I asked him if I could just stay out in the waiting room while he looked at it and read it. I just can't stay present while he is reading journaling I slip away somewhere far away and live in fear till he is finished. We have been doing this for many years and I have just recently told him that I leave when he reads some of my journal to me or talks about it with me.
When I came in his office after he had finished reading I felt very small and far away and I sat as far away as I could. But... I stayed I listened I heard what he was saying and answered the questions he asked. I told him I didn't know if I didn't know the answer. I told him I would try to find out the answer to questions I couldn't answer.
This journal session was a good way for me to have therapy.