A Storm In My Mind

Last night the storm in my mind overwhelmed me.
I was getting sicker and sicker with a massive headache by the minute. There was nothing I could do to find relief.

I pleaded with Jared to hurry home as he was running late from work. He finally arrived and found me in a state he has not witnessed for quite some time. He prayed with me and for me. I was so grateful for his comfort. Finally there was a lessening of the vice grip which held my head. I was able to breathe again and hold still, it felt so much better.

Later I told Jared that this was most definitely a processing headache. He answered that this had been the first thing he thought of when I called to tell him how horrible I was feeling.

In a little while, when I feel more energy, I will journal and see what comes up. For now I will rest.

Memory

I think about recovery.
Recovery from a bad childhood.
Recovery of memories from my childhood.
I think about how I have always known I didn't remember.
How is that possible? As a grown woman, I asked myself, "How is it possible that you have always remembered that you don't remember?"

I started this blog because I wanted to participate in the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, back in June. I have my own story, I haven't written about it much for a few years now, but I have one and volumes of journaling to go with it. Participating in the Carnival was an amazing experience for me. I found an entire support community of fellow bloggers all willing to lift and support each other on our journey to Thriving.

What I didn't expect was the door opening. The door which begins processing, in this case more processing, more journey, more new chances to learn how to Thrive.

As I think about this today, I am chuckling because I know how this all works, I have been here before... If I open the Door, I must go through it, I can never close the Door again.

So, back to memory recovery...

I went on a long car trip with my husband last week which always provides ample opportunity for long discussions. We talked over what I have been processing, what feels different this time, why is it different this time, etc?

This is the single biggest difference this time...

I BELIEVE MYSELF.

The first time I began recovering memories was in 1996. The last time I talked to my Therapist I said something about back when we started and we both laughed when he said he didn't remember that far back. I went into his office a few week ago, told him I was remembering things and that I knew the most important thing that I could do for Little Vicki was believe her.

Last week was also the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11 landing on the Moon, and the first Moon Walk. I was very moved as I discussed with my husband what it would be like to be in a room where doubters of these historic events would express their opinions to the Astronauts and their families. That would be an electric feeling in my opinion. That is how I feel about believing Survivors of Child Abuse, whether a survivor forgot or always remembered. There is no amount of proof which will convince a non-believer. What matters is that We believe ourselves and that we TRUST OURSELVES.

Playtime

Isaac's very favorite thing to do in Utah
"JUmpSS"
He loved going outside.
Except for the hottest part of the day it was
lovely for him outside.

Quite different from here in AZ where it is
BLAZING HOT
Most of the time.

Isaac also enjoyed meeting and playing with
his cousin Ashleigh.
Uncle Chris was always good for horsie rides!

I might be having withdrawals after having our Grandson
with us for over a week.
♥

Home again

We are Home again,
after over a week of traveling it feels great to be here!
It has been a very long time since we
traveled far with a two year old!
I am exhausted, and today I won't do
anything I don't have to do.

I am also emotionally drained
from watching my eldest son fly from my nest
on his LONG EXPLORE.
I won't be able to see or touch him for two years!

This is a beautiful flower from my trip.

I have oodles of blog reading to do
I can't wait to catch up with everyone.
♥

Out of Town

We are traveling,
seeing the country, enjoying each other
playing with our grandson almost every minute.

The time when my oldest flies from the nest
is approaching so quickly.
I am full of mixed emotions.
I will write about them soon.
but for now I will just say...
in 5 short hours we will drop him off
at the same place that hundreds of thousands of other
parents have left their young men or young women.
We will leave him at the Missionary Training Center
here in Provo, Utah.
Today I feel very proud of my sweet son.

Thank you all for your comments yesterday about my dream. They were so helpful.

I am going to copy to here a fun post about my grandson I did awhile back on my Family Blog. This is in honor of his staying with Popa and me while we are on vacation and his parents had to go back home to work.

Everyone Should Have A Froggy Pool

Isaac Has a Froggy Pool

It sprays water in his face
Aunt Mollie plays with him

Johny wishes he could play in the pool, but will settle for a love tap.

I think froggy pools could maybe solve many problems...

A Dream

I dreamed that I was in my house, but it wasn't my house. It was where I lived some of my kids lived there, were with me, but were they really my siblings?

People, relatives started showing up to give my Grandma W. a birthday party.
I didn't know they were coming I ran to an empty room to not be seen but it was where the aunt who has been kind to me was getting my Grandma ready. She was dressing her in a ridiculous and immodest dress, not something she would ever wear. A dress that a much younger person would wear with a plunging back. I didn't want to deal with any of these people so I started helping Grandma but I was trying to adjust that back of the dress. My aunt got upset at me for not doing it right, I tried to fix it back. Then I just realized I couldn't hold it in and I told here how ridiculous the dress was and that Grandma would never wear a dress like that.

Then I left the room and went into what I think was my room. {it was the room I felt safe in} From there I could see out of the door the room where the party would be held, tables set up like at a luncheon, it looked like a cultural hall at a church. I closed the door and looked around and my room was more like a kitchen and was filled with party food etc. A couple of my cousins I think they were from the J. side of the family, came in and wondered why I wasn't out with everyone enjoying the party. I told them to go get someone in charge. I don't know where my Kids/Siblings had gone now, they were no longer there.

Two of my aunts came in the room one that hasn't spoken to me in years and one who wrote Dr H. a letter about me. They are my Dad's sisters, the two I am most uncomfortable around. I told them that something had to be done about the fact that I had not invited this party into my home. I loved my Grandma but they could not just come in here and have a party and bring all of these people without my permission.
I got stronger as each sentence was finished. I wasn't yelling, by the end of what I had to say I wasn't even afraid of them.

Hope

Everywhere are people
My Sisters and My Brothers
For, We are ALL
Children of God.

I have found so many,
They Lift, Encourage, Support,
Cry with Me,
Cry with each other,
and
PRAY.

We are here for each other
on our journey to Thrive.

There is another,
He descended
Below ALL Things.
That way, He would know how,
How to support each and every one of US.
As we journey on this path together
But, ultimately separate from each other.
Never ALONE,
He is always there for us,
He never leaves us.

I know this is TRUE.

Joy in My Life

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Carlin, Naomi, and Isaac Johnson
my sweet and adorable family
nestled safely within the bonds of Jared and My family.
We Love You So.
Congratulations on your 2nd Anniversary.
Being in the Arizona Temple Saturday July 11,
with your sweet family as you were sealed to each other
for Time and All Eternity,
was and forever will be one of my most
Cherished Days of My Live.

I ♥ You.

Elder Stephan Granger Johnson

On Sunday July 12 we sat in church, together as a Family
to witness the Miracle of a Boy become a Man.
You spoke of your Mission to Serve your Heavenly Father
and Share with your Brothers and Sisters
in Nashville, Tennessee the Good News
of our Savior Jesus Christ and His restored Gospel.

How can a Mother contain the Joy of
two
of the most incredible experiences in her life?

Posted by VICKI IN AZ at 9:03 PM

Healing

Healing is our goal.
Healing is the Birthright which God gave to
each of his children when he sent us into this fallen world.

Each one of us must chose this path of Freedom
for ourselves. Then we can, we must Trust Ourselves,
trust that we are worth healing, that healing is possible.
I know this to be true.
We are Free to make the choice to Heal.

Jeffrey R. Holland said this about healing...

Many people are facing personal trials, trying to hold back flood waters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. What follows is especially for those who feel their lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.
To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)

Art... One By One by Walter Rane

Therapy

Tomorrow is therapy.
Back to the time of counting the days
till my next session.
This means the hard work has begun.
I am ready.

I Will Listen

I have heard voices, speaking to me in my head, all of my life... that I can remember.
I have always lived in my head.

I looked in my friend's mirror as a child and heard "You can't tell, It is a secret."

As an adult I went back to where I grew up till I was 13. As I drove those small streets and thought about all that I could not remember about growing up there, I heard, "You don't remember because you Choose not to remember."

Over at Blooming Lotus, Faith is discussing opening up communication with the parts of me that are inside trying to help me heal, trying to communicate with me. As always, it never ceases to amaze me that as I work through this process help is placed in my path when I need it. I have found Faith's posts to be so helpful to me and I can't Thank Her enough.

Just this week I asked my therapist "why after all of this time, when I have accepted the lack of memories which I desired for validation, Why Now?" He said, "There is an answer." I almost blew right past that comment, instead, I stopped, He said, "You weren't ready."

Well, let it be known, My Sweet Little Vicki, and whoever else in here that wants to talk...

I am ready
I will listen
I will validate you
I will believe you
You can trust me
I will protect you
I will nurture you
I will be gentle with us
I Love You
I WILL be the Mother You never had.

A Reason to Break the Cycle

These are my children the year that I began Therapy.

These are my children Today.
These are some very good reasons.

Little

Once I was a little girl
I was adorable and curious
I loved flowers
I loved kittens
I was, I think, very much like my daughter here

Now I am grown
The little Vicki inside of me
is asking for help
I am grown I can be there for her now.

Telling...

Last night I told Jared.
I told him that I had begun again to have memories.
I was scared I was shaking I was crying.
But... I told.

He asked if I wanted to talk about them.
I said not now.
He held me.
He said we will get through this.

I know he is right.

Unsure

It is hot outside,
That's how it is here in July.

It is bubbling up on the inside,
I wonder when it will boil over?

I have been here before.
It feels different this time.