Monday, August 31, 2009

Grace


I do not at all
understand the mystery of grace
only that it meets us
where we are
but
does not leave us
where it found us.
~Anne Lamott

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sunday Devotional

Forgiving

It is an action word
a verb.
I do it
and then I do it again
and then I do it again
and I keep on doing it
for as long as it takes.
It might take me a real long time
it usually does for that matter.
But...
for me forgiving is like traveling
the road of life
I do it one step at a time
one day at a time.
I wish...
I could say I am always patient
patient with myself
as I struggle to forgive.
As I struggle to
Practice what I preach
which is
Take All the Time You Need.
I really do believe that
even though
it doesn't seem like I believe it
sometimes.

There is a book, it is pretty much everywhere, I see people reading it wherever I go. I see it in almost every store that sells books. My therapist talked about it with me one day and I had bought it and finished it a few days later. It was hard to put down. The book is called The Shack, by: Wm. Paul Young.

I learned so much about forgiveness from this book.

Today's Sunday Devotional comes from The Shack.

Mackenzie, forgiveness does not excuse anything. Believe me, the last thing this man is, is free. And you have no duty to justice in this. I WILL HANDLE THAT. And as for Missy, she has already forgiven him."

"She has?" Mack didn't even look up. "How could she?"

"Because of my presence in her. That's the only way true forgiveness is ever possible."

Mack felt Papa sit down next to him on the ground but he still didn't look up. As Papa's arms enfolded Mack he began to cry. "Let it all out," he heard Papa's whisper, and he finally was able to do just that. He closed his eyes as the tears poured out. ...He wept until he had cried out all the darkness, all the longing and all the loss, until there was nothing left.

He pleaded, "help me Papa. Help me! What do I do? How do I forgive him?"

"TELL HIM."

"How Papa?"

"Just say it out loud. There is power in what my children declare."

Mack began to whisper in tones first half hearted and stumbling, but then with increasing conviction, "I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you."

Papa held him close, "Mackenzie, you are such a joy."

"So is it all right if I'm still angry?"

Papa was quick to respond. "Absolutely! What he did was terrible he caused incredible pain to many. It was wrong and anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But, don't let the anger and loss and pain you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck. Son, you may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely."

I copied these words for myself and I inserted my name every where Mack's name appeared. I have them in a special place, a book I have created for healing.

Forgiveness is a process, I don't worry so much about the destination anymore.




Wednesday, August 26, 2009

When I Need

When I need comfort
I turn to music.
So much of music lifts me
from dark places I don't want to linger in.
So much of music lifts me from sadness.

Here is a favorite.


Mollie's Poem


I am a DANCER.

I wonder if I will ever be AMAZING.

I hear the sound of tap shoes on tile.

I see my face in the mirror as I spot myself after each pirouette.

I want the day to come when I am given the honor of receiving my

first pair of Point shoes.

I am a DANCER.

I remember the first time I ever did a double pique turn.

I feel the rough calluses built up on my feet from months, years of

devotion.

I touch the cold metal ballet bar.

I cry when I feel like I am not good enough.

I am a DANCER.

I understand that I am not perfect.

I say, “ This is what I want to do for the REST of my life.”

I dream of dancing for him…

I believe that I can do anything if my heart is truly in it.

I am a DANCER.



Today I am grateful for a Daughter who can feel this way IN her body.

Monday, August 24, 2009

On My To Do List



I have a favorite artist, her name is Tiffany Arbuckle Lee, she goes by Plumb. One of my favorite songs of hers is over there on my play list In My Arms.

I heard one of her songs in a new way this past weekend because of something I need to do. I need to stop seeing my mom for right now, I don't know for how long, maybe forever. 13 years ago this summer I sent my parents a letter telling them I couldn't see them for awhile because I was working on my abuse issues with a counselor and asked them not to contact me. I spent much of my healing back then, doing this, "She stands alone defending her name." It was hard, I did it a lot, to pretty much anyone who would listen, especially my siblings.

I don't know how I will let my mom know this time. I haven't decided that yet. I do know that I will be calling my baby sister before my therapy session tomorrow afternoon to tell her that I won't be at my mom's birthday lunch next Saturday.



I don't intend to stand defending my name this time, in fact I think I will say very little. I want to be strong, I need to be strong, for little vicki. I think it is the Least I can do after all that she did for me. I am proud of myself for trusting myself, it feels good.

I really love the last line of the song... Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I think that is a very good thing to do. I'll put that on my list also.


Nice Naive And Beautiful lyrics

She's only known heartache and pain
But she's never known pain like this
She stands alone defending her name
When all that she's done is be who she is
Well is it so wrong to be who we are
When all she's done is fail

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why does she get taken advantage
Why does she live in a world so cold
She takes advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part
Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place
Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt

Maybe she could set it free

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why did she get taken for granted
Why did she live in a world so cold
He took advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

If you've been there you know
If you're still there hang on
We're all dealt our lumps of coal
What you do with it can turn beautiful
Well there's a life outside of this madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place
That's restraining your love

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sunday Devotional




The internet truly is an amazing gift.
It allows me to connect with a community of fellow bloggers
all of whom I have grown to care for.

I have decided to try something new.
I am a church going gal. I know that we don't all go to church,
I know and understand many whose touching posts
have had their hearts broken at church for what ever reason.
My heart aches for them as my heart has ached when I have had my very own trials of faith. I know that there are some who I read and cherish their words, who's worship is different than my own. I have found nothing but respect here in My Little World for our differences. I like this so very much.

I know that members of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or more commonly known as "Mormons", are well known for our efforts to proselyte. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I have a son on a Mission in Tennessee right now doing that very thing.

That is not my purpose here.
I am just a woman, a woman who talks about the things which are important to her, gets excited to share thoughts and feelings with people she cares about, and hopes with all her heart to just be honest and as our good bloggy friend puts it,
JUST BE REAL.

So this is longer than I wanted so I think I'll go put my video at the beginning in case you just get bored and didn't read all of this, because the video was really the point!! I know that God, whoever or whatever that is for you is there, watching over us, caring for us, cherishing us, and most importantly caring about our pain and struggles... even when we don't believe it, feel it, want it, or know it.



Saturday, August 22, 2009

Cute Things Isaac Says and Does



He pushes the test page button on our printer, gets so excited because he has printed something, and wants someone to make him an airplane out of the paper.
One time, I wasn't paying attention, and he printed a test page on all of the paper in the tray.

He knows how to get to my house, is a great back seat driver, and if his parents aren't going to my house but drive near our street he yells Goga, Goga.

He gets so excited to play with his Thomas train that he is calling "Thomas" as soon as he comes through the door.
He also has a Billy, an Elizabeth, and a Rosie, but he will not call her Rosie, because Jared called her "what's her face" when he took them all out of the package. Isaac consistently insists on calling her "Face" no matter how many times grandpa tells him her name is Rosie.

He puts the leash on Johny and leads him around the house for a walk.
That is, if he is not climbing on Johny and riding him like a horse, or laying down on Johny's bed with him.

He loves to put pennies in Granpa's robot bank. He has this funny little quirky thing that he does when he twists each penny before he can deposit it!

He loves to shred paper. He says "schredda" over and over.

He loves to watch Kipper.

He thinks all of our 5 sugar gliders are named "Cal" because one of them is named Calvin.

He is the Joy of his Grandpa and Goga's life.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Rain

What I love:
RAIN, it is finally raining I am so happy ♥

What I hate:
Dog BARF, yeah... the dog is in the house when he would usually be out enjoying the time at sundown. I did not send him out because he does not like storms.

How does he thank me for my kindness? He barfs!

I TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD.
and
SMILE.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for August

~Enola~: Carnival Against Child Abuse
Enola has done a fabulous job with the Carnival this month, there are many submissions to read. So much support out there and I feel confident many healing moments ahead.
I love healing moments.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Exhaustion

When I think about the featured topic for this month's
Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

"Back to School"
I feel one word. I feel it in my bones I feel it in my soul, I feel it everywhere I am...
Exhaustion.

I have been journaling for the past few days about just how exhausted I am. I am talking I wake up and just want to go back to sleep almost immediately. For several days now ever since my children started back to school in the middle of last week, I have been this way. I'll be honest I have been gentle with myself, kicked guilt out the door and given in to the need to rest. This is actually the first year since my children have gone to school that I have had this luxury, so I have taken full advantage.

I have been considering my almost complete lack of memories from the years when I was in elementary school. I have been going over and over what would be the clue? How would a need for sleep have anything to do with the amnesia? It has occurred to me as I write this, Little Vicki is probably pretty tired from having to keep all of those memories locked up away from me.

I want to to share a song which represents elementary school for me.

Hello by: Evanescence
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday


Sunday, August 16, 2009

Inspiration

I have been reading a certain blog, The NieNie Dialogues, since I have been reading blogs. She lived here in AZ where I live, was a young mother and wife, trying to raise her family, and live a good life. One year ago she was in a small plane crash with her husband and lay in a coma for several months. She is a survivor, she is an inspiration! Today I am linking to her blog as a celebration! A celebration of each and every one of you who take the time to read what I write about. This is her celebration weekend, celebrating HEALING, MOVING FORWARD, THRIVING!


Namaste (i bow to the divine light), within each and every one of us, and to my blog friend NieNie.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Listening



Listening is an attitude of the heart,
a genuine desire to be with another
which both attracts and heals.

~J. Isham~

I have been pondering on why blog friendships work.
Why do these friendships feel real? Even though I don't know those of you out there, you know in person, and yet I still know you to be my friends. This came up on my quote of the day widget, Ahhh... Here is the answer.

I love listening to all of you.
I always feel listened to
Here In My World.


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Where Can I Turn For Peace

Where Can I Turn for Peace



Sunday, this is the Hymn we sang in church. I thought of all of us here on our blogs supporting each other and sharing whatever it is that brings us each peace. I thought of how often we struggle to find peace. I thought about the joy we feel when we find peace even for a little while.

The woman who wrote this Hymn, Emma Lou Thayne, wrote this while her daughter was suffering with an eating disorder. I wanted to share these comforting words here.

WHERE CAN I TURN FOR PEACE?

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

Text: Emma Lou Thayne, b. 1924. © 1973 IRI

Music: Joleen G. Meredith, b. 1935. © 1973 IRI

John 14:27; 16:33

Hebrews 4:14–16

I would express to you all the peace I find through The Savior Jesus Christ.

I would also thank you all for the support and peace I find through each one of your stories and all of your strength.

Together we are strong.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Isaac

My grandson and daughter in law are back from the other side of the country where they went to visit her grandfather. I missed them like crazy. Isaac was so happy to see his toys. His trucks and tractors were here waiting for him!

I sure hope everyone is having a good weekend. Thinking about how much you all mean to me.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

My daughter, she lives to dance. As a survivor it is an amazing experience to witness a teenager able to express her zeal for life with her body through dance. I am so grateful for the confidence she feels in her body and her ability to express it through dance.
She loves to watch So You Think You Can Dance on Fox.

There were two beautiful and very moving dance pieces this season which I wanted to share with you.

This first one is a dance to one of my all time favorite songs and is dedicated to breast cancer survivors. I think we can all relate to the struggle that comes with surviving and working very hard to Thrive.



This next dance is my very favorite, I hope that you have the time to watch and I am sure you will be moved as I was. This one is a dance about a woman's addiction. The young man represents the addiction in this moving piece of art.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Wondering

Thinking about what I wish for...


Thinking about where I want to go...

What about you, what are you wishing for and where is it that you are wanting to go?

Growth means change and change involves risk,
stepping from the known to the unknown.
~George Shinn~

Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.
~Abraham Lincoln~

Monday, August 3, 2009

A Letter

Today we got a letter in the mail
from
my son, the missionary.
He is still in the Missionary Training Center,
studying and learning

every day.

These are the beautiful young men and women
he goes to class with every d
ay.


He said, "send CANDY"
some things never change.

I have been smiling ever since
and I can't quit singing,
"We just got a letter!"

Sunday, August 2, 2009

When I Grieve


There is a time for grieving
grieving for what has been lost
long remembered or fresh and raw.

There is a time to seek for comfort
comfort is waiting
waiting to wrap the grieving up in soft warmth
softly whispering, "take all the time you need."

When I process, work on memories experience the pain and loss, I take time to heal during and after. I listen carefully at times like these to what it is I need and often what I want.

Do you know what it is you need and want?

Often one of the things I need most is rest. I find that it takes so much energy to Heal. I know that depression can also bring its own kind of extreme fatigue and desire to sleep. I am not talking about that kind of exhaustion here. I am talking about tired to my bones if I push myself more I will have a meltdown because I have reached my limit.

I read a book once,
ABIDE WITH ME by Elizabeth Strout, in there I found an insight I had never understood before, the light went on!


Anyone who has ever grieved knows that grieving carries with it a tremendous wear and tear to the body itself, never mind the soul. Loss is an assault; a certain exhaustion, as strong as the pull of the moon on the tides, needs to be allowed for eventually. And Tyler, during the ten days he stayed with the Atwoods, spent an astonishing amount of time sleeping. Waking at daylight, he would feel sleep roll up to him again, almost immediately, and always with the force of anesthesia. When he finally staggered from the bedroom, embarrassed by what he felt was slothfulness, it was Hilda Atwood who said firmly, "Right back in there, Tyler. This is exactly what you need."
Back to bed he went, his body so heavy with weariness it felt as though his weight would push straight through the mattress to the floorboards below. His sleep was deep and dreamless, and waking again, he would not know where he was right away, but, hearing the children's voices downstairs, he was reassured, and would lie motionless, as though in traction in a hospital. But he was not in a hospital, and his limbs moved, and as he shaved in the bathroom mirror, he gave great thanks.

What is it you need when you do the hard work of healing? Ask the little child in you, "What is it that YOU need?" You just might be surprised when you get an answer.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Saying IT Out Loud.

There are reasons
reasons why it is hard to talk in therapy
hard to make yourself say the words
hard to let them out of your mouth even if you want to.

Reasons why I fear the pain I feel
will overpower who I am and make me someone
I don't know.

I don't say the words
the words won't come out.
I think I am afraid of what they mean.

Because I won't say them
we sit and talk,
talk and talk about what I might do about this
or what I might do about that.

The Dr. see, he is a smart guy
he knows that if I don't say it
say it out loud, make myself say it to him
I'll be back in the place I was before.
All those years ago...

In that place
I questioned everything.
I was TERRIFIED
terrified that I had made the whole thing up.

That place took a good long time
to overcome.

I felt as if I had been blasted open
filleted wide open.
A walking billboard.
Hey look at that girl, did you know there is INCEST in her family?

So I know the Dr.
about some things, believe me not all,
he has excruciating patience.
He will wait, he will make me work, he'll even make
Therapy as uncomfortable as Hell if he has to.
But, He will wait till the words come out of My Mouth.

It was my mother.
O My God,
How does a mother hurt her child that way?
Seriously, God, I am asking this question of you!
I am a Mother, I am a Grandmother.
It makes no sense at all...
there is nothing comprehendable here.
Yeah, spell check I made the damn word up
COMPREHENDABLE...
I even added it to my dictionary so I could use it again if I want to.

So, here it is, I will walk in that room
I don't know if I will sit or stand?
Last time when I told him
my dad had molested me
I stood.

I think Molested is not an appropriate word for such things...
Molested means to bother,
yeah, I don't think it fits.

If an animal mother has to, she just eats her baby.
I think that might be a better thing to have done.
Molested is not the right word?


Thank You


Sometimes you just can't reach
what it is you need...


Without a FRIEND
to help you
UP.


Thank You ALL
for being that FRIEND
to me.



Person to person,
MOMENT
to moment,
As we LOVE,
We CHANGE
the WORLD.
~Samahria Lyte Kaufman~