Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am Here


I am not really sure how this post will go so I am just going to start I think I will take a title from one of my blogger friends. She calls posts like this "Random Randomness"

I realized I had something that is coherent in my brain when I read Faith's article on Being Present today. I recommend it. I sat there and though about the wonderful parts of my life that I am able to be "Present" for because of all the hard and sometimes tedious work of healing that I have done since I quit denying that the abuse I suffered mattered.
I can hear the words ringing in my ears from my last therapy session, "Why do we do this work, Vicki?" "I don't remember, (sobbing) can you remind me?" "We do it for OURSELVES!"
Faith spoke of remembering the very first time she felt "Present." It was so clear for her.
I sat there and though do I remember my very first time? To be perfectly honest I am so different from what I used to be I live my life quite present moment. I take things very slow, I don't push myself faster than I am able very often.
I have a grandson, so I spend countless hours of time just being with him, playing with him, talking to him, experiencing the grand life of a wonderful two year old. My children are growing teenagers so other than taxi service and unlimited listening from me they do pretty well.
After I thought for a moment I was able to remember the first time I was present. This was glorious, because I was able to witness what it felt like to call up a memory. I sat there though about it and there it was. AMAZING!
I remember knowing that the moment I was experiencing was precious. I remember knowing instinctively that I wanted to remember the moment always.
It happened many years ago, I hadn't been in therapy very long. I was just loitering at my back door sitting there on the ground with my husband. Our children were little and playing outside. I lay back and while I was looking up I noticed the Sky, really really noticed it. Saw how blue it was, the immensity of it, and the beauty. I remember breathing and just taking it all in and wondering if I had never really looked at it before. It is a wonderful thing to have such a peaceful memory.

For me this is what being present is about, the acceptance of where we are that day, our non judgment of ourselves. When we leave the “shoulds” behind and just accept what is.




I have survived an entire week with no contact from my family of origin. I have one niece who is the same age as my children, who has continued to come over just like normal. She even called me the other day wondering if I could feed her lunch because she was "starving" at school! That was a Lovely surprise visit. No one has called and other than my unnecessary fears when the phone rings it has been peaceful and calm. I say No News is Good News.

I have had such an incredible outpouring of support from all of you Here In My World. Thank you so much. You mean the world to me. I will get back to you and thank you for your loving comments which have kept me lifted. It will take me awhile and I am so very grateful for you support. I need you to know that I couldn't have done it without you all.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Some New Understanding

Untitled

On Saturday I left little vicki in a safe place and returned home to the normal hustle and bustle of my everyday life. Together she and I had accomplished some important goals one of which was to write a letter to my mother abuser and ask her not to contact me. I was doing really well and feeling at peace.

By yesterday I still hadn't mailed the letter and this left little vicki feeling unprotected. I created this collage and that helped me to recognize what she was feeling and also that even though two days wasn't that much time to me it was a very long time to little me.

I also recognize that I have to take quiet time away from everything Every Day to connect with little vicki if she is going to trust me and feel taken care of.

The letter has been mailed. I keep reminding myself that what matters is little vicki, the family around me sharing my everyday life, and me right now today. Sometimes I am afraid because I don't know what is coming, by the end of the week the s@#%* should hit the fan. I keep trying to remember how to say "That is between mom and me, I don't want to talk about it." HOW HARD CAN THAT BE TO SAY? I should type it out in big letters so it is in front of me because I know I will forget how to talk much less what to say when the time comes.

Today is therapy, glad for that.


Friday, September 18, 2009

A Safe Place for little vicki



This is the place I would take you to today in my heart. We will go there and you will feel safe enough to share anything you want with me. Safe enough to be whatever you want with me. Today is our day.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

We Will Remember


9-11
WE WILL NEVER FORGET
Jewel - Hands
Uploaded by Belzebar. -


Lyrics

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands


Trauma
it happens in many ways
it affects in as many

Survivors
there are countless numbers
we stand
sometimes on feet, knees,
or even faces to the earth
Standing
all the same

TODAY
we unite to remember
Survivors
the ones who count on us
to use our HANDS
to honor and celebrate them

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Answers from little vicki



I have tried for over a week now as the adult Vicki to write about my experiences I recently had where little vicki communicated with me. The great thing is that she has been trying to tell me things and has had unending patience while I have tried to understand them.

The question I have wrestled with most recently is, "How does being so very sleepy connect with my abuse? The question I have always had is "How have I always known that I forgot?" Patricia commented that perhaps I could start with what I do know and not try so hard to remember. Great advice thank you. I also shared with Kate an experience I had once, where I believe God answered one of my questions. As I wrote to her about that answer, the one from God, I realized that the very same answer could have also come from little vicki. Before I reveal the question and the answer please let me interject two important points here.

1. If I hadn't taken the time to slow down and really listen as insight came from these two women who care about my healing, I WOULD HAVE MISSED IT!

2. I needed these friends and I trusted that they believe in me and my ability to FIND THE ANSWERS.

I asked God one day, "What exactly is it that you tell me as you send me into this family, to these parents, knowing what I will endure?"
He gently answered, "I told you, you will forget." I realized when I told Kate this story that little vicki could have given me the very same answer.

As I spent some time working this all out in words and telling my husband Jared, the pieces began to fit together like a puzzle. I started with what I have always known, I forgot. If God did indeed tell me that I would forget and I know with all of my heart that He did, then little vicki would know this and when she was sad and hurting and afraid she would have talked to herself and gently said, "Don't worry, you will forget."

As for why am I so sleepy and why is this a clue or body memory? It is very simple, now that other puzzle pieces are in place. I was a child, I lived my life, I don't remember most of it... I went to sleep.

The very best part of acknowledging body memories and honoring them is that they can begin to heal. I am feeling more energetic and less and less sleepy.

Stephen King:
Pet Sematary

It's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls - as little as one may like to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. And the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring, unrelenting sanity. That such events have their own Rube Goldberg absurdity goes almost without saying. At some point, it all starts to become rather funny. That may be the point at which sanity begins either to save itself or to buckle and break down; that point at which one's sense of humor begins to reassert itself.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Thought

“ The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!
Jack Kerouac

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Letter to little vicki

Dear little vicki,

You have been so patient with me as I try to learn what it is you are saying to me.
Thank you and I love you for this. I love you so much. Right now I have a picture of you from when we were 3 and 1/2 years old I look at it so much and try to imagine just how amazing and wonderful we were. Your eyes are so sweet and I love the smile on your little face. I am looking at your cute glasses and realizing that I have blue glasses like you did right now today. I love my glasses and I have people tell me all of the time what great glasses they are. Your hair is so red I just love that color. I had Dray, that is my friend who does my hair for me, color my hair a pretty dark red. I love it so much, it is not as pretty as yours but still very nice and red again.

I have appreciated how you gently answer my questions one at a time. This has been very nice, having you trust me. I want you to know that I will keep us safe. I told our sister T. a little about what is going on, not very much but a little. When she found out about me not coming to mom's birthday she asked if more "things" were happening. She was so kind and really very sad for me but she gets it. I told her that what has happened is my realizing that I just can't be around people who don't believe me or give a crap about things that are important to me. I told her that mom has never believed me and that I can't tolerate that right now. I don't feel like telling her, at least for now what I am remembering about mom. Telling her doesn't feel safe.
She told me to remember that she is a good listener. That is true, we have been that for each other for several years now.

Our sister K. she is confused. I didn't tell her anything beyond that I had some things I am dealing with right now. She didn't at least at first even consider that I was having a problem with mom. I have been keeping the peace for so long now, I don't think it even occurred to her. I think it will be pretty easy to explain it to her the same way I did to T. when the time is right.
The sad thing is either it will or it won't then put K. in the same category as mom, someone who doesn't believe me, because she never did before. That will be very sad for us if she chooses to be angry and in denial but standing here protecting us is just not an option anymore. The cracks in the foundation of my relationship with K. have to be addressed and repaired, or the building will crumble anyway.

Now as to mom. Well, I haven't talked to her yet, I am sure I am afraid to. I am afraid that I will mess up. I know that is silly, since there is nothing to mess up, I just need to do it. I am glad you have been patient with me. Dr. H. says she probably is afraid. I said, she is not afraid of me. He said sure she is, she know you have the ability to talk and stir things up like before. I don't know what she is but she hasn't called or come over which has been a little unusual. He said we could be less revealing than we were last time and just tell her I just have a problem right now with her because she doesn't believe me when I tell her about things that are important to me. I said, (playing the part of mom), "Vicki, I don't know what you are talking about." Dr H. said, "Exactly Mom, that is the problem, you don't listen to me, so it doesn't matter." And I will tell her to not come to my house.

So, here is an idea. I will take your hand because I really like holding hands with 3 year olds, those are some very sweet hands, we will call her on the phone and tell her together. Do you like that idea? We can set a timer and keep it very short. She probably will have nothing to say or might hang up on us, I am not sure. We will just be ready for anything and take it as it comes but we won't get into a confrontation about this. When we are done with the phone call we will think and feel our feelings and then go out for ice cream and celebrate that we did it together.

It's you and me kid. xoxo
Big Vicki

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sugar Gliders 101

Sugar Gliders are the softest cutest little creatures I have ever seen.




Here is the scoop!



Sugar Glider (Honey Glider, Short-headed Possum)

Can glide distances of 200 ft

Appearance

The sugar glider is perhaps the most striking in appearance of all the marsupials. Due to their beautiful coat and small size, they are often kept as pets in North America.

Sugar gliders are diminutive in size. They are generally 11-16 in (27.5 - 40 cm) in length, with 6-8 in (15-20 cm) of that belonging to the bushy, non-prehensile tail. Sexual dimorphism is present in this species, with the males being larger than the females. The males weigh approximately 115-160 g, while the females weigh 100-135 g.

Sugar gliders have a squirrel-like body ending in a long tail. The heady is rather short and narrow. The legs are small and end in five-digit feet. All of the toes are clawed, with the exception of the opposable toe on each hind foot. The hind feet are syndactylus, with two of the toes being partially fused together. The sugar glider uses these fused toes for grooming.

Sugar gliders are covered with thick, soft fur. The coat is usually blue-grey in colour, but some specimens have been known to be yellow or tan, and even albinos are known to exist. A black stripe extends from the nose over the head and ends midway across the back. A black ring encircles either eye and extends back to the large, hairless ears. The last few inches of the tail are also black. The underbelly, chest, and throat are a light cream to white in colour. The top of the patagium is blue-grey, the underside is generally white interspersed with dark hairs, and the edge is a bright white.

The patagium is perhaps the most striking feature of the sugar glider. It is a thin layer of furred skin that stretches from the wrist to the ankle of the hind limb on either side of the body. When the legs are extended this skin is spread taught, much like in a North American flying squirrel, and the sugar glider is enabled to glide great distances.

Sugar gliders are marsupials, and so the females do have a marsupium (pouch). The marsupium is roughly ½ in (12.5 mm) in length, and is located in the middle of her abdomen. Sugar glider males also have a feature unique to many other marsupials – they have a bifurcated penis. In other words, their penis has two shafts, and acts like two separate penises.

Sugar gliders are highly vocal, often making what is known as a "crabbing" noise, somewhat reminiscent of an electric blender. They also bark, chirp, and chatter amongst themselves.

Sugar gliders have many scent glands used for marking territory. The males have three primary scent glands: one located on the forehead, one on the chest, and one alongside the cloaca (an opening for the urinary, gastrointestinal, and reproductive tracts). The best way to tell a male sugar glider apart from a female is to look at the forehead, as in males the scent gland up there is visible as a bald spot.

Sugar gliders have an acute sense of smell and hearing. They are nocturnal, and so also have acute night vision.

Sugar gliders have a life span of 9 years in the wild, 12 in captivity.

Habitat

Sugar gliders are found throughout eastern and northern Australia (some have even been found in southern Australia), as well as its nearby islands, including Tasmania and Papua New Guinea. They can be found in all types of forests, but prefer the open forests where there is room to glide. Sugar gliders are social animals, nesting in family groups of up to twelve individuals. These groups are headed by a dominant male who will do most of the territorial marking. This territory, though small, consists of several eucalyptus trees and is readily defended by the entire group.

Sugar gliders are nocturnal, spending their days sleeping in a nest in a hollow portion of a tree. At night they are highly energetic, performing amazing acts of aerial acrobatics and gliding distances of 200 ft (66 m).

Kreativ, Yes I Accept!

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THANK YOU to Speck of Dust, over at Just Be for this award. I love being creative in all kinds of ways and I truly appreciate and enjoy other people's creativity also. Namaste.

So, if you haven't been to Just Be before, it is simply a must read. I mean listen to the name of her blog, JUST BE, who doesn't long to know what that would feel like? It makes me feel calm just to think of her blog name. And her pen name, Speck of Dust, it is so full of meaning. The name is poetry. She wrote about her name here.

So here is a list of seven things about me.

1. I want to go on a cruise to Alaska with my husband.
2. We have 1 dog, 5 sugar gliders, and 8 cats. (No my house is not huge, we just love animals)
3. In college I played the role of the First Lady in Waiting to The Queen of the Night in Mozart's Magic Flute.
4. I am a visual learner, because of this, The Food Network and Martha Stewart have changed my life.
5. I am fascinated by trees. I want to see and touch a Banyan tree.
6. I love being a grandma. I feel close to my grandma who was always the safest place I knew as a child, because of my grandson.
7. Pansies are my favorite flower.

This is my list of 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
I went to my bookmarks and spent time visiting sites that I had found interesting but hadn't been back to in a long time. I felt like I was coming back to old friends, there really is so much inspiration out there. So many lovely bloggers sharing their passion and zest for life and beauty.
I look forward to spending more time being inspired and I am so excited to check out Speck of Dust's list of nominations too!


http://www.thefreshloaf.com/

The Fresh Loaf, a community for amateur artisan bakers and bread enthusiasts.

http://conversationswithacupcake.blogspot.com/

"IN MY HOUSE: 1 Handsome Husband, 4 Top Notch Kids, A Nervous Chihuahua, and 25 Pounds of Brown Sugar. It's a sweet, sweet life." {She shares her recipes!! And her photos are divine!}

http://asoftplacetoland-kimba.blogspot.com/

At A Soft Place to Land, Kimba has created just that, "A Soft Place to Land."

http://thewomenscolony.com/

This place is a dream, someplace you can go and stay awhile, they have "Arts, Letters, and Shenanigans" complete with many "places" to visit.


http://thedailydelights.com/

Here is what she says about herself, "Just another gal looking for a moment of joy each day." I can go for that!


http://kellymccaleb.typepad.com/

My Happy Little Life, is just a sweet inspirational place where you can find kind words, loving people, beautiful photography and gentleness.

http://www.youaremyfave.com/

Over at You Are My Fave is just that, lots and lots of Favorites. Melanie is fun and so full of creativity it is Contagious!


Here is to some new Inspiration!