Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I remember the feelings, the first shock when my therapist told me "it is not about you." Who did he think he was? What did he think he knew about my life?
I remember when the light went on and I felt the weight of this childhood LIE lift from my life. That was real independence.
I learned to say
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I was working on a project and Isaac was playing sweetly somewhere near. Has it really been that long since I had a three year old "sweetly playing near"?
I Found THIS...
Yep, you would be right that is my leather couch and it has silver sharpie all over it, at least on that one cushion and arm.
I didn't scream, yell, or anything like it. I remembered to breath, I remembered that I have never taught him that we don't draw on the couch. We wiped it clean together, (as clean as you can get silver sharpie off a leather couch). Did you know Goof-Off can get sharpie out of leather? (mostly).
Yes, we had a big long talk about how we don't ever color on the couch and we never ever use sharpies without permission.
Breaking the cycles of abuse feels good.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The trip was great. I made some amazing new memories and had a wonderful time with those I serve with in my church. The teenagers were a hoot and I am so very happy that I chose to go.
Your loving comments when I returned home mean so much to me. Thank you for all of your prayers and confidence in me.
I will write more soon.
I read this today and couldn't wait to post it!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Jared has been very helpful and I am feeling strong about my decision to go. Dr H. was validating today with me about the fears I had worked through. I am glad I had a session today before we leave. I am praying for a calm center. I know that I am capable of having a great time and letting this trip be about the kids and spending time with them. I also know that if any processing needs to be done for myself that I can slip away, write and pray, then get back to the fun.
I can do this and I am prepared for this.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
I think one of the reasons blog friends can be so real is our ability to be open and honest with our stories. We feel less alone, stronger, sometimes if we allow it... even loved.
Emma Lou Thayne, author and poet shares her feelings about our stories.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I am not sure I remember when I quit caring whether others believe me or did not believe me.
Frankly, and it is one of my wishes in life to be frank about what I think, I still end up with days or weeks or hours or even minutes where I still care whether or not "They" believe me. I have come to accept this as an unavoidable part of my process.
Is it because of my old rules, like the one which says what every one else thinks, especially about me, is important even more important than what I think?
Is it because I just have to spend time in that place, the one where fear takes over and I am not sure I can trust myself?
I believe the greatest gift my long time therapist his name is Dr. H, has given me has been to teach me that I CAN Trust Myself. So most of the time and now at this point after all the struggle and time I have spent walking through the fire on my journey to healing, it is true that most of the time I don't care at all if anyone else believes me. I know for a certainty that I believe me, I know Dr. H believes me, I know Jared believes me, and I know that God believes me.
I would have to say this shift in my trust for myself began happening right around the time my grandmother died in February of 2008. She was always my very best friend as a child. Her name is Ethel which if you ask me means love, tenderness, and safety. She was my safe place, the one and only safe place I had a child, the sinking feeling in my gut confirms this as I write the truth even today. I am thankful to God that He gave me one safe refuge. I wish every abused child could have at least that much, I wish that with all of my heart.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
PS If you want to see the full screen just click right on the video, that will take you there. Believe me, her story is so worth it.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Here are some things about my life.
This is what Sunday looks like at my house.
Today was the last day of SCHOOL for the year. Yeah for summer! Yeah for Mollie and Christian.
My sweetheart gave me a swing for Mother's Day. I spend as much time as I can out there in my SECRET GARDEN. I even blog out there. ♥
This is my beautiful sister and my niece. They entered a look a like mom and daughter contest!
This is a common sight in my home, cats in baskets. ♥
Cow sorts the socks.
Lily naps in the mail basket.
Now here are some tunes I listen to. How to play along. Set your ipod on shuffle and record the first 10 songs, then leave a comment about your random tunes and I will come check it out. It can be fun to see what others are listening to. :)
1. Bach: Brandenberg Concerto #2 in F
2. Oveture to the musical "Secret Garden"
3. A Fine Frenzy: The Minnow & The Trout
4. Miss Saigon , London Cast Recording: Sun and Moon
5. Eva Cassidy: Songbird
6. Randy Kartchner: Peace
7. The Secret Garden, Original Broadway Cast: Wick
8. Clarinet Concerto No. In F-Minor Op. 73
9. Bach: Prelude, from Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major
10. Rob Gardner: Saints and Pioneers, We Must Sing
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Isaac was here for the morning and into the afternoon. Becky, my good friend and neighbor took him to the last week of storytime at the public library because I have just simply run out of gas, the Vicki tank is empty. I think the engine needs a tune up rather than just a fill up. I have been filling up on a regular basis lately, reading, studying, praying, meditating, listening to good music, writing, gardening, exercising, eating rather than skipping eating, and still I am low. It is like a low grade depression, kind of like a low grade fever.
I told Dr. H. that I have no desire to take care of anyone at all right now. That isn't particularly practical so I have cut back everywhere I can and I trust that I can find joy in the realities of what has to be done. Indeed, I am sure that the necessities keep me going so much more than I give them credit.
With that said teenage daughter is going to want to shop for a swim suit today when she gets home from school. This has never been my idea of a good time with her. Modest swim suits have been located at a lovely boutique in the mall, reasonably priced. She does not appreciate the curves she has been blessed with, but, maybe this year will be the magical revelation and she will see herself in an honest light.
I found this today and remembered how much I love these words. I even bought a book once because the author used "That's How the Light Gets In" as the title.
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I have done some decluttering, but mostly I have been remembering to appreciate the beauty that surrounds me right now, not just longing for a day in the future when I have accomplished future goals.
My family has kept me busy lately, I think it is good this way as long as I remember that I have needs too and take time for them. Temperatures are climbing and threatening to soar into the 100's soon here in sunny AZ, but last week we had two glorious days of lovely cooler weather and I spent as much of my time as I could when the teenagers were at school outside on my swing reading and just simply soaking up the last of our springish weather.
Have a glorious day and I will be by to comment and let you know I am thinking of you all, dear blog buddies!
Friday, April 23, 2010
My body memories are painful. I have pain and with it will come the thought "this is a body memory." My first reaction to that thought is a simple, I wonder why this is a body memory? That reaction will be quickly followed by a very sarcastic part of me which responds with a "you are so dumb Not every pain is a body memory."
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I really had too much going on yesterday inside so of course what a perfect opportunity for this all to have become the overwhelming factor in my day. I wrote that out and then I was able to journal for a long time about the flashbacks and body memories I have been dealing with. I worked on those and then I rested and meditated. Which was what the more important thing to do yesterday rather than dig into piles and boxes that can wait.
I decided I am going to take a picture of a problem area before and then after and post them to celebrate. That is to come, but for today I thanked God for the support I have in so many ways and spent my day playing with my grandson... and my craptastic crap is still waiting for me and I survived it and it was a good day.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
She had written about hoarding and spring cleaning and junk she is getting rid of. I am so jealous. Jealous of her ambition to do the things I want to be doing. I want to get rid of the crap that is all around me, keeping me from feeling like I have a comfortable and peaceful surrounding. I want to stop thinking everything is so important that I have to keep it. I want the containers where I have shoved piles of crap from places in my house which will be seen when someone comes over, out of my bedroom. I want the new piles of crap and junk off my kitchen table and the dinning room table and my side board and my beautiful pie rack that is in the kitchen and the kitchen counters. I need to free myself from this addiction to piling.
I pile crap all over my life and then I don't feel like I can clear the crap out of my head. Those piles that nobody sees can wait. The piles in my head they are just hurting me, waiting to explode. But the piles everywhere in the house, they cause contention embarrassment fatigue waste. I waste time thinking about them fretting over them ignoring them stashing them stacking them did I already mention thinking about them. Yes I waste so much time thinking about them. They are like an obsession.
I know that I am not who I want to be because of these piles of crap. CRAPTASTIC CRAP. I don't think I know how to sort what is important and what isn't. I know that I can get rid of stuff. I do it all the time.
This is a painful part of who I am.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
I have gone to You Tube and found my very favorite Healing Song. Now that is saying so very much for me because I have a list 10 miles long of favorites. I hope you find it tender also and healing. I also decided to post the testimony of the man who wrote the song, Roger Hoffman.
One day, as I was sitting at the piano in our chapel, (we didn't have a piano at home) I found my fingers wandering over the piano keys. I noticed what I was playing and repeated it so I wouldn't forget it. Once the melody had become locked into my consciousness, words began to form in my mind,
how they grow, how they grow."
How they fly, how they fly.
He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky.
And he will feed those who trust him,
And guide them with His eye."
The words kept coming,
How they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed."
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And he will feed those who trust him,
And guide them with his eye."
I sat down and the verse began,
Who must suffer on this earth..."
So, tremulously, I continued,
From the day of his birth.
He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And he will heal those who trust him,
And make their hearts as gold."
My soul vibrated with the message I had just written, for my own suffering and weakness had been taken in hand by the Wonderful Counselor, and where once there was darkness, light by light, strand by strand, he rewove the fabric of my heart with threads of purest gold, so that my affections and sympathies have been, in a marvelous manner, enlarged and re-trained to make me more like him.
This is the way of the Master. He tells us plainly that he has given us weakness to bring us to him. When we come unto him, he teaches, counsels, and heals us, replacing evil with good, pouring himself into us, a spiritual transfusion where his light replaces our darkness. The light he has put into us works its way through everything we know and feel and draws us to yet greater light.
One day, if we continue, we will be like him, for his light will have chased every trace of darkness from us, and will have drawn into us all the light he has.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
This week the skeleton in the closet came to visit
I had to choose
Would I retreat to the corner with my head hidden in shame?
I have been taught so very well
The overwhelming depression boiled up from below where it had taken refuge
Exhaustion overtook my body and my mind
I felt like giving in to the undertow
Strong and Vicious was its desire to drag
I saw her for the first time since last July as my sister lay in critical condition in the hospital
She lives here by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com
Their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com
5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 ¶ Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.
10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.
11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday Will Come
“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
“No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come.”
Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Dark Friday, Bright Sunday," New Era, Mar. 2008, 4
This devotion is one of my very favorites. It moves me to the very center of who I am. I decided I wanted to put the photo of the man who said this with it and also the link in case anyone was interested in following it. He is an Apostle of Jesus Christ. This is one of the ways I make it in my life day after day trial after trial. I know with all of my heart that Jesus Christ has Apostles and a Prophet here on the earth today and I can listen to or read what they have to say. You can too if you want HERE.
Can I just say...
THIS WEEK HAS KICKED MY BUTT!
Now having said that, I will not want to say it has been all bad
I have been blessed with friends who have served me
and provided the balm of Gilead.
Thank you Becky you have been an angel for me. My good friend who helps me when my jaw hurts so bad I can't even eat brought her massage table over, worked her magic on my jaw and now I can open it. Isaac sat there touching me with his tender hands wanting to "help."
And true to his tender nature, Jared has been very sensitive to me in spite of the fact that he lost his full time job this week as the company he worked for closed it's doors.
I started this week ready to write. Excited to write. I would sit down here at my computer and dissolve.
I saw my mother for the first time since July this past week. My youngest sister is in the hospital, she has been in very serious condition.
I have been spending time in therapy for a few weeks now working on how I might respond at upcoming family celebrations, like my niece getting married, when my mother speaks to me. I want to be graceful and also not give myself away and then have to spend weeks of therapy repairing the damage. We did not however prepare yet for the possibility that she would not speak to me even when I say hi, not even a hi back.
I don't have much to say now except, hmmm.
Monday, March 8, 2010
This is a pretty regular Sunday activity.
My son was a little tweaked about what had happened in church that morning. With tact and tenderness I would like to share because it fits with a post I have been toying with for some time now. The original title was going to be What my kids will never say about me...
In my married kids Sunday meeting a family had been asked to give a presentation.
I am sure they are a lovely family with many gifts and great closeness. Unfortunately instead of having the desired effect of encouraging and lifting my kids to want more, they felt that uncomfortable feeling I have felt before. How do I explain it? Do you know the one? "Well look at them aren't they perfect?" Followed by a quick, "I can never be like that."
I listened I gave knowing nods I gave love, I know for sure I have had those kinds of experiences and I wanted my children to know I understood how that felt.
A few minutes later 2 of my sons got in a heated argument and my married son was trying to help them cool down. I looked at my daughter in law with what I hope she recognized as a twinkle in my eye and I said,
"I don't think they will be asking us to give one of those "How to be the perfect family " presentations in church.
There was so much love in our home yesterday as we all gathered
I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the whole world.
So here is the LIST
What my kids will never say about me...
1. I never heard my mom raise her voice to me in anger
2. My mom was always on time
3. My mom came to every game, every practice, and every performance
4. My mom had dinner on the table every night
5. I never heard my parents argue
6. My mom never said a negative thing about anyone, ever!
7. My mom made me practice my instrument and I am grateful for that now
8. My mom was always there for every thing I needed
9. My mom never complained or nagged
10. My mom always put our needs before her own
11. My mom was the best listener
I am sure I can add to this list many times over.
Here is what I want my kids to always be able to say about me.
My mom was honest. She really cared about my feelings and I always knew she loved me NO MATTER WHAT. My mom did not pretend life was always going to be fair or work out the way I wanted but she taught me that Things Work Out, They ALWAYS Work Out and I can trust myself. I can trust my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
My mom was real.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Things just got worse when my therapy appointment
had to be canceled for an emergency.
I tried to pick a fight with my man
while he was at work
we were talking on the phone.
I am not proud of THIS.
He, my man, he came home and took me to lunch
and totally didn't even bring it up.
Monday, February 22, 2010
You just know it is time for a
I know I have said it before... but this blog is changing, this girl is changing too.
All the work of recovery I had done was right there where I needed it to be right when I needed it the most.
little vicki spoke and I heard her. I understood what she had to say. I believed her. I didn't run from her. I listened and she knew I would not let her down.
Some things come together in ways I never expect them to. I have always said that recovery, especially for me, because I remember so little of my childhood is like a puzzle. There are pieces, I see them I touch them and I don't know where they go, how the pieces fit or what some of them even mean. I have been learning for a few months now how important it is to just let them sit there and not try to force the pieces together. I have been learning how to wait.
I wrote to Sarah last week and admitted that I had be realizing that I have just enough memory of my childhood to know that I didn't just wake up one day an adult.
I had been writing, when I felt tied up in knots for reasons I couldn't understand I would write and express my frustration.
I wrote about my reoccurring jaw pain and how somehow, I didn't know why, but I just knew it was a body memory. I pushed past that ever present fear that what I think is "stupid" and that "the therapist will surely laugh at this one" and I gave him that journaling. That was hard to do. Not to mention we didn't get to talk about it for two weeks because Jared and I were going through stuff I had to work on because that is the world of today! I wrote about that body memory, I cried and cried and wrote and wrote and I couldn't even see what I was writing I was so triggered by what was going on.
I began having a dream again that I have had from time to time for as long as I can remember, which means, since I have been married 23 years. This dream became more and more insistent and consistent and every time I slept and so very real.
I went back to the gym and took a really great new water bottle that I had gotten which had a cool straw in it with a rubber cap for drinking from.
I woke up last week on the day of therapy having been chased by my dream over and over knowing that I had a choice. This ME the grown up almost 44 year old woman who is safe: I could run from that dream and stuff it down and fight it and give in to the familiar shame and guilt that doesn't belong to ME or little me and
NEVER DID BELONG TO ME
I could let little vicki tell the therapist what she has been trying to tell me for so many years and I have not been able or ready to recognize as a puzzle piece which fit just so in a very tender and infected place in my soul.
I could let little vicki speak the horror and shame of her dream. her dream where she has sticky gum in her mouth and no matter what she does it just gets bigger and bigger and she can't get the gum out. No matter how many times she spits that gum out it is still there and it won't go away. It just grows until I finally wake up.
So I TOLD THE TRUTH. First, I told Jared, then I told Dr. H., and I am tell it here too.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A well lived day
Smiling at my children
Holding Jared's hand in church
Waking to the soft sound of rain
Feeling like smiling
Breaking bread with people I love
Gratitude in knowing
There Is a Savior
He knows my name
And He knows yours too
PS for me it is Hot Cocoa ;)
Enchanted Oak has given us the opportunity to make a bliss list of simple things and give at the same time. Namaste to you Enchanted Oak, you are simply a blessing.
One of those songs I can listen to over and and over. The kind of song which fills my bucket when it is empty and lifts me when I feel in despair.
The kind of song I want to hear when I am happy.
It is just my kind of song.
Enjoy and have a blessed Sunday.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
And the beautiful woman with the flaming hair bowed
with the strength of an ancient tree and she spoke the words so tenderly so deliberately,
"They are MINE, each and every One, I have come to claim them."
If I could trust and let THEM
The woman with the flaming hair she waits and longs to care
for those who's time it is to share.