Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Season is Changing

I live where it is hot.
I try hard to not complain constantly about the heat, although I am sure that Jared would raise an eyebrow at that statement, hey that is the price he pays for being married to all of this wonderfulness.
But I am here to tell you the devil himself lives here during the summer months.  There are months when it is still over 100 degrees after Midnight!

October is now well underway and temperatures are in the high 90s during the day and are going to keep dropping.  The evenings are glorious and there is a new freshness in the air.
This is the time of year when I come to life.
I have found blogging as well as many other favorite things that I do to be more than I am capable of for the last month or so.
I have found my old companion depression near.


I have done what I usually do when I get this way,
I pull in and do the essential activities.
I am so blessed to have my family.
Taking care of them keeps me going and on the same hand they are all self sufficient enough to care for each other and themselves when I have nothing to give.

I am coming back to life with the changing of the season.

I am also going to be more real about my depression
which for me includes trying to learn what it
wants to teach me.

Welcome October.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Listening to ME

When reality confronts our notion of what reality SHOULD be, reality always wins. We don't like this (that is, we have trouble ACCEPTING this), so we either struggle with reality and become upset, or turn away from it and become unconscious. If you find yourself upset or unconscious - or alternating between the two - about something, you might ask yourself, 'What am I not accepting about this?
Today I tried so hard to tell the truth in therapy.  We talked a whole bunch about the truth.  We talked about how I get to the point where I either need to let it out by telling or writing or I feel like I have to quit therapy.  Dr H. wanted to know why, it was just so clear, I said because I am being dishonest, with him, with myself, with God.  He wanted to know what I am afraid of, did I think it would be a bigger thing than it already is inside of me if I say it out loud?  I know from experience that it won't grow, that in fact getting it out will lessen the burden.

I gave some writings to Jared to read last week trying to quit carrying the secret.  We have not talked much about them.  I do feel better though.  I tried with great anguish to explain to Dr. H. why I don't want to talk to him about these things.  I told him that it was just so much easier to think about the abuse being my dad.  It is just all so much more revolting when I think of talking about my mother as the abuser.  He, the Dr., didn't push.  I know that he understands.
It was never easy all those years ago to talk about my dad as the abuser.  It will not grow, the burden will be shared, I will find healing.  I must find a way to open my mouth and SPEAK.

I told the Dr. I was so angry for all of the years I spent not believing myself.  I felt I had wasted precious time.  He said hard work is never wasted time.  Thanks Dr. H.  I needed that.
I may have felt crazy, I may have not believed myself, I may have gone around and around in circles about the memories that decided to begin showing up at age 30, BUT I did keep my children safe from the family once I knew.  I was responsible for the knowledge I was given, I have to take pride in that.

I have to believe in myself that I can continue to be responsible for what I have been given.  I am brave, I do have words.  Words that a small little vicki did not have.  I am responsible to tell for HER.

Friday, August 20, 2010


I am so very tired.
I feel so much pain and loss.
Jared's Dad has moved on and is in so much a better place.  I know that he is so happy to be free of his mortal body which has brought him excruciating physical pain for so many years.
He has endured it with grace.
For me, my father in laws passing has brought up so many feelings of pain and loss about my own father.  The pain of never having resolved my issues of abuse with him before he passed.
The pain, 
the excruciating pain of his ability to look me straight in the eye and tell me he would not discuss my pain with me.  He would not even take the time to listen to what I had to say.

Why did I ask?
Why didn't I just have the courage to "lay it on him" to let him know what I was thinking and feeling?
 Unanswerable questions.
Pain and What-ifs to process.

I feel the depression crowding in I feel the tears near the surface and springing forth at unexpected times. 

I am grateful for a place to express my pain and very grateful for experience with depression to know that I can make it through this.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Goodbye Dad Johnson

This summer has not been what I expected.
Life turns out often to be not what we expect.
I try to live with grace in what is.
Yesterday our family buried Jared's Dad.  He was a fine man.  
He loved me as his own.
My heart is full.
I will write more soon.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


When I think about my independence from abuse, the victim child I grew up as, I have so much happiness. I grew up always on High Alert believing that everything that happened around me was about me and that somehow if I did more or did "everything" right I could make those around me happy.  

I remember the feelings, the first shock when my therapist told me "it is not about you."  Who did he think he was?  What did he think he knew about my life?

I remember when the light went on and I felt the weight of this childhood LIE lift from my life.  That was real independence.

I learned to say
It is not about me
It is not all about me
I am enough
A MILLION times a day
I am enough

My independence has provided me with the freedom to trust myself.  I have over time learned the difficult lesson that Healing doesn't come overnight or even in ten years.  Healing takes patience, the patience to trust that I Am Enough.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Isaac and the Couch

This week when Isaac was over for the day there was energy pulsing in the hot AZ air.

I was working on a project and Isaac was playing sweetly somewhere near.  Has it really been that long since I had a three year old "sweetly playing near"?  

I Found THIS...
 Yep, you would be right that is my leather couch and it has silver sharpie all over it, at least on that one cushion and arm.
I didn't scream, yell, or anything like it.  I remembered to breath, I remembered that I have never taught him that we don't draw on the couch.   We wiped it clean together, (as clean as you can get silver sharpie off a leather couch).  Did you know Goof-Off can get sharpie out of leather?  (mostly).  

Yes, we had a big long talk about how we don't ever color on the couch and we never ever use sharpies without permission.

Breaking the cycles of abuse feels good.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Checking In

The sky on the first afternoon of our trip with the church youth group last week.  Unbelievably breathtaking.

The trip was great.  I made some amazing new memories and had a wonderful time with those I serve with in my church.  The teenagers were a hoot and I am so very happy that I chose to go.  

Your loving comments when I returned home mean so much to me.  Thank you for all of your prayers and confidence in me.

I will write more soon.

I read this today and couldn't wait to post it!!

“ Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.” -Albert Einstein

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Heading out of town

So, it is July now and I am again going out of town with the youth from my church.  This time we are going to a town not even ten minutes from where some of my worst abuse happened.  So needless to say I had a freak out one day this week and had to decide whether or not I really would go or back out.

Jared has been very helpful and I am feeling strong about my decision to go.  Dr H. was validating today with me about the fears I had worked through.  I am glad I had a session today before we leave.  I am praying for a calm center.  I know that I am capable of having a great time and letting this trip be about the kids and spending time with them.  I also know that if any processing needs to be done for myself that I can slip away, write and pray, then get back to the fun.

I can do this and I am prepared for this.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Our Fourth of July

On Saturday we went downtown to Main Street for our festivities.

We played games, enjoyed each other, ate treats, and of course
watched fireworks!

Here are Isaac and Naomi.  They are pretty much the only ones who have the patience for all of my picture taking.  I commit to ignoring more Mom picture taking protests!
I commit to taking more shots without intruding, so that I can get some pictures without purposely goofy looks.
I commit to ignoring all the testosterone loaded protests, 
I could just kick myself 16 times for not taking several of these.
Blurry is not good. 

Old cars are the bomb!

Isaac and Christian don't mind posing for me.

My soldiers, (Naomi took this picture.)

Bonus shot:
I really liked this rental power sign.  These generators were everywhere.
Yeah for MESA!
That was a Party.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Sunday Devotional: Our Stories

Our Stories, make us who we are.  The real, beautiful, flawed, ever changing beings of flesh and blood who live and breath and thrive for one more day.

I think one of the reasons blog friends can be so real is our ability to be open and honest with our stories.  We feel less alone, stronger, sometimes if we allow it... even loved.

Emma Lou Thayne, author and poet shares her feelings about our stories.
"...our stories are what make the difference,
and if we can tell them honestly
we can hope to help each other.
In the end, we have nothing to offer
each other but our stories. "

I love my blog for the reason of having a place to share my story, my struggle, and my heart.  Sometimes I think I love it even more because I love sharing in others' stories.  I take great courage in every story I read here in blog land.  There are so many HEROS  out there.  

We can make it through, one day, one hour, one story at a time.
I know the struggle is worth it, I know it with every part of who I AM!


Saturday, June 26, 2010

Isaac's Birthday

Happy Birthday
The beginning of June is one of the greatest celebrations of our family, I love being Isaac's grandma, my name is Goga.  I have been Goga for one year now, Isaac began truly speaking at the age of two and he named me Goga.  I hope the name is here to stay.  I just LOVE it.
Isaac wanted a Star Wars cake because that is what his cousin
Tyler had the month before on his birthday.
He loved his cake!

What 3 years old looks like.
Hanging out with his new friend, cousin Jordan from Utah. 
This week was the first time they had ever met.

Our adventure to the Butterfly Pavilion at

 Hugging and Grinning, two of our favorite things to do.

Who wouldn't want to be tickled by this Monster.


Fresh from Heaven.
Isaac, You are Loved!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Chosing to Believe Me

Spending time with my family, the one I grew up in, takes tremendous amounts of courage and energy.  Last week was filled with preparations for and the wedding of my darling niece.  I wanted to be with her at this special time so I chose to be there.  Making the conscious choice to go, rather than going because "I SHOULD" is monumental for me.

I am not sure I remember when I quit caring whether others believe me or did not believe me.
Frankly, and it is one of my wishes in life to be frank about what I think, I still end up with days or weeks or hours or even minutes where I still care whether or not "They" believe me. I have come to accept this as an unavoidable part of my process.

Is it because of my old rules, like the one which says what every one else thinks, especially about me, is important even more important than what I think?
Is it because I just have to spend time in that place, the one where fear takes over and I am not sure I can trust myself?

I believe the greatest gift my long time therapist his name is Dr. H, has given me has been to teach me that I CAN Trust Myself. So most of the time and now at this point after all the struggle and time I have spent walking through the fire on my journey to healing, it is true that most of the time I don't care at all if anyone else believes me. I know for a certainty that I believe me, I know Dr. H believes me, I know Jared believes me, and I know that God believes me.

I would have to say this shift in my trust for myself began happening right around the time my grandmother died in February of 2008. She was always my very best friend as a child. Her name is Ethel which if you ask me means love, tenderness, and safety. She was my safe place, the one and only safe place I had a child, the sinking feeling in my gut confirms this as I write the truth even today. I am thankful to God that He gave me one safe refuge. I wish every abused child could have at least that much, I wish that with all of my heart. 

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sunday Devotional

This is Stephanie Nielson.
She is amazing!
She is a Hero.
This is her testimony, one of Love, one of incredible Faith, one of knowing that we are all Children of a Heavenly Father who LOVES us.

PS  If you want to see the full screen just click right on the video, that will take you there.  Believe me, her story is so worth it.
HERE is her blog.  

Today I add my testimony to hers.  I know we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us, no matter what.  We have a brother, he is our Savior, our advocate with The Father, He is Jesus Christ.

I can't believe I have been away from my blog for sooooo long, it is so neglected.  I miss you all!!  I send you my ♥.

I am going to girls camp with the teenage girls I work with at church.  SO Fun!!  YaHoo.  I will catch you all at the end of the week.

PS,  The sweetest Grandson ever turned 3 this past week.
Here is a sneak peek at the birthday fun.

That's his new "trash truck" and his famous "cheese" grin!!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Random Randomness and then Some Tunes

I am wanting to write so I am just going to start and see where this goes.

Here are some things about my life.

This is what Sunday looks like at  my house.
 Isaac licking the mixing bowl.  Check out the magnifying glass he has there while he eats his waffle.  ♥

Today was the last day of SCHOOL for the year.  Yeah for summer!  Yeah for Mollie and Christian.

My sweetheart gave me a swing for Mother's Day.  I spend as much time as I can out there in my SECRET GARDEN.  I even blog out there.  ♥

This is my beautiful sister and my niece.  They entered a look a like mom and daughter contest!

This is a common sight in my home, cats in baskets.  ♥
Cow sorts the socks.

Lily naps in the mail basket.

Now here are some tunes I listen to.  How to play along.  Set your ipod on shuffle and record the first 10 songs, then leave a comment about your random tunes and I will come check it out.  It can be fun to see what others are listening to.  :)

1.  Bach:  Brandenberg Concerto #2 in F
2.  Oveture to the musical "Secret Garden"
3.  A Fine Frenzy:  The Minnow & The Trout
4.  Miss Saigon , London Cast Recording:  Sun and Moon
5.  Eva Cassidy:  Songbird
6.  Randy Kartchner:  Peace
7.  The Secret Garden, Original Broadway Cast:  Wick
8.  Clarinet Concerto No. In F-Minor Op. 73
9.  Bach:  Prelude, from Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major
10. Rob Gardner:  Saints and Pioneers, We Must Sing

Mommy's Idea

Thursday, May 20, 2010


The house is quiet it will be now for about an hour, until the teenagers start coming home from school.  Quiet, blissful quiet.  It will stay that way unless I choose to drown out the peace with a radio or inane lifeless tv noise.  I turn those electronic marvels on far too often, to keep the noise in my head from rattling around.  Noises that want attention, thoughts and ideas constantly brewing under the surface of the real life.

Isaac was here for the morning and into the afternoon.  Becky, my good friend and neighbor took him to the last week of storytime at the public library because I have just simply run out of gas, the Vicki tank is empty.  I think the engine needs a tune up rather than just a fill up.  I have been filling up on a regular basis lately, reading, studying, praying, meditating, listening to good music, writing, gardening, exercising, eating rather than skipping eating, and still I am low.  It is like a low grade depression, kind of like a low grade fever. 

I told Dr. H. that I have no desire to take care of anyone at all right now.  That isn't particularly practical so I have cut back everywhere I can and I trust that I can find joy in the realities of what has to be done.  Indeed, I am sure that the necessities keep me going so much more than I give them credit.

With that said teenage daughter is going to want to shop for a swim suit today when she gets home from school.  This has never been my idea of a good time with her.  Modest swim suits have been located at a lovely boutique in the mall, reasonably priced.  She does not appreciate the curves she has been blessed with, but, maybe this year will be the magical revelation and she will see herself in an honest light. 

I found this today and remembered how much I love these words.  I even bought a book once because the author used "That's How the Light Gets In" as the title.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.
-Leonard Cohen, from “Anthem”

I found it here today, just what I needed.

Maybe YOU need it too.

Blessings and love.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

No Excuses

This post is not about excuses for such a long absence.  This post is about me living my life, being in the moment, taking one thing at a time and enjoying as much of spring as I can here where I live in the desert.  I have missed reading my blog friends and knowing what is going on in all of your lives, or at least the parts you  write about ;).  

I have done some decluttering, but mostly I have been remembering to appreciate the beauty that surrounds me right now, not just longing for a day in the future when I have accomplished future goals.

My family has kept me busy lately, I think it is good this way as long as I remember that I have needs too and take time for them.  Temperatures are climbing and threatening to soar into the 100's soon here in sunny AZ, but last week we had two glorious days of lovely cooler weather and I spent as much of my time as I could when the teenagers were at school outside on my swing reading and just simply soaking up the last of our springish weather.

Have a glorious day and I will be by to comment and let you know I am thinking of you all, dear blog buddies!

"This strong, silent place interrupts confusion, rage, and depression, and just now I feel more at home with the landscape than with people."
~ Joan Anderson

Friday, April 23, 2010

Body Memories

I had a new insight this week about body memories. 

 My body memories are painful.  I have pain and with it will come the thought "this is a body memory."  My first reaction to that thought is a simple, I wonder why this is a body memory?  That reaction will be quickly followed by a very sarcastic part of me which responds with a "you are so dumb Not every pain is a body memory."
 I shall make it LOUD and CLEAR to that negative voice inside of me,
I know that every pain is not a body memory.  No matter how hard this negative voice tries to desuade me I will trust my insticts which desire for my body and soul to heal.


And in the new life of Living my Questions I will continue to trust that calm true voice until I Live my WAY into the answers.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Not Stuck!

Wow!  It felt so good to get that out yesterday.  All of the comments I recieved were so helpful really.  I am going to slowly incorporate lots of these strategies and see where I go.  I really enjoyed the website http://flylady.net/index.asp I am sure many of the ideas and systems there will help me.  I loved that she said don't get overwhelmed just start where you are.

I really had too much going on yesterday inside so of course what a perfect opportunity for this all to have become the overwhelming factor in my day.  I wrote that out and then I was able to journal for a long time about the flashbacks and body memories I have been dealing with.  I worked on those and then I rested and meditated.  Which was what the more important thing to do yesterday rather than dig into piles and boxes that can wait.

I decided I am going to take a picture of a problem area before and then after and post them to celebrate.  That is to come, but for today I thanked God for the support I have in so many ways and spent my day playing with my grandson... and my craptastic crap is still waiting for me and I survived it and it was a good day.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Stuck in my crap

So I just sent a comment to my friend Exhale and I told her that I am stuck. I think I said it 4 times in one short comment. I didn't realize how stuck I am feeling until I started commenting and the tears started coming and my chest started getting tighter. and I started to hurt inside.

She had written about hoarding and spring cleaning and junk she is getting rid of. I am so jealous. Jealous of her ambition to do the things I want to be doing. I want to get rid of the crap that is all around me, keeping me from feeling like I have a comfortable and peaceful surrounding. I want to stop thinking everything is so important that I have to keep it. I want the containers where I have shoved piles of crap from places in my house which will be seen when someone comes over, out of my bedroom. I want the new piles of crap and junk off my kitchen table and the dinning room table and my side board and my beautiful pie rack that is in the kitchen and the kitchen counters. I need to free myself from this addiction to piling.

I pile crap all over my life and then I don't feel like I can clear the crap out of my head. Those piles that nobody sees can wait. The piles in my head they are just hurting me, waiting to explode. But the piles everywhere in the house, they cause contention embarrassment fatigue waste. I waste time thinking about them fretting over them ignoring them stashing them stacking them did I already mention thinking about them. Yes I waste so much time thinking about them. They are like an obsession.

I know that I am not who I want to be because of these piles of crap. CRAPTASTIC CRAP. I don't think I know how to sort what is important and what isn't. I know that I can get rid of stuff. I do it all the time.

This is a painful part of who I am.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Living My Questions

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves.
Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be 
given you because you would not be able 
to live them.  And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will then
gradually, without noticing it, live along some 
distant day into the answers.

~Rainer Maria Rilke  LETTER TO A YOUNG POET

These last two week my life has been full of stillness and recognition.  I recognize all around me small wonders, key words in books I read, meditations I have chosen to make part of my healing process, comments my therapist will make, small wonders which if I am still enough to let them sink in tell me I am on the path.  I am where I should be.  I AM LIVING THE QUESTIONS.  My questions.  I call these small wonders "Tender Mercies" because I believe that God loves me so much and knows me so well that he gives me tender mercies to remind me that He is there and that my Savior's love is unending.

I can't believe I can actually say this, I like the part of healing where I don't have the answers and I have to step out into the darkness.  I have never felt this way before.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The tender feelings of my heart.

I have gone to You Tube and found my very favorite Healing Song.  Now that is saying so very much for me because I have a list 10 miles long of favorites.  I hope you find it tender also and healing.  I also decided to post the testimony of the man who wrote the song, Roger Hoffman. 

Writing "Consider the Lilies"
At the time I wrote "Consider the Lilies," my wife, Melanie and I had spent five years (now twenty-six) following the Lord's commandment to put the kingdom of God first, believing that he would add everything else we needed. It seemed the Lord would send what we needed in the way of work or help, just when we needed it. Miraculously, we had survived! This allowed us to use our time to teach his Gospel through music. This kind providence had become such a regular occurrence for us that we wanted to tell others about it.
One day, as I was sitting at the piano in our chapel, (we didn't have a piano at home) I found my fingers wandering over the piano keys. I noticed what I was playing and repeated it so I wouldn't forget it. Once the melody had become locked into my consciousness, words began to form in my mind,
"Consider the lilies of the field,
how they grow, how they grow."
I grabbed my pencil and began writing. As quickly as I could write, the words continued,
"Consider the birds in the sky,
How they fly, how they fly.
He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky.
And he will feed those who trust him,
And guide them with His eye."
I was beginning to feel very excited! Here was a way to share this marvelous principle!
The words kept coming,
"Consider the sheep of his fold,
How they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed."
I thought of how Nephi and Lehi had been led on their way through "the more fertile parts of the wilderness..." and how the seas had parted for Moses and the children of Israel. Again, the chorus re-assured me,
"He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And he will feed those who trust him,
And guide them with his eye."
I was pleased that the message had been so well delivered, and gratefully acknowledged the power that had presented this song to my mind. I was about to rise from the piano bench and go home, when I felt a kind of downward tug, and sat down at the bench again. The message came clearly into my mind, "I'm not finished yet."
I sat down and the verse began,
"Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth..."
I panicked. I was afraid to tackle so large a subject. I thought, "My pen is too small to deal with a problem so great." The thought came into my mind, "You're not writing this, anyway." I then remembered someone very dear to me who once said she had a hard time understanding why God would allow little children to be abused, and I had a great desire to help her understand this subject better and be comforted. This urged me on.
So, tremulously, I continued,
The pains of all of them he carried
From the day of his birth.
He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And he will heal those who trust him,
And make their hearts as gold."
I wept profusely. I could not contain my feelings. The love I felt was so powerful that I was overcome. (Indeed, for the rest of the day, I felt somewhat removed from this mortal sphere.)
My soul vibrated with the message I had just written, for my own suffering and weakness had been taken in hand by the Wonderful Counselor, and where once there was darkness, light by light, strand by strand, he rewove the fabric of my heart with threads of purest gold, so that my affections and sympathies have been, in a marvelous manner, enlarged and re-trained to make me more like him.
This is the way of the Master. He tells us plainly that he has given us weakness to bring us to him. When we come unto him, he teaches, counsels, and heals us, replacing evil with good, pouring himself into us, a spiritual transfusion where his light replaces our darkness. The light he has put into us works its way through everything we know and feel and draws us to yet greater light.
One day, if we continue, we will be like him, for his light will have chased every trace of darkness from us, and will have drawn into us all the light he has.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My week in collage

The Skeleton in the closet came to visit
The skeleton came to visit
The skeleton came to visit by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

This week the skeleton in the closet came to visit
I had to choose

Would I retreat to the corner with my head hidden in shame?
I have been taught so very well

The overwhelming depression boiled up from below where it had taken refuge

Exhaustion overtook my body and my mind

I felt like giving in to the undertow
Strong and Vicious was its desire to drag
me under

This week I have dealt with the reality smack in my face of the world she (aka mother) lives in.

I saw her for the first time since last July as my sister lay in critical condition in the hospital

She lives here

She lives here by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com


Their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven

With exhaustion encroaching from every corner Big Vicki took little vicki and they rested and slept as much as she needed


5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 ¶ Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.
10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.
11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

WHERE I LIVE                              
Where I live

Where I live by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

I have heard the tune and I will never stop singing.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sunday Devotional

Sunday Will Come


“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

“No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come.”

Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Dark Friday, Bright Sunday," New Era, Mar. 2008, 4

This devotion is one of my very favorites. It moves me to the very center of who I am. I decided I wanted to put the photo of the man who said this with it and also the link in case anyone was interested in following it. He is an Apostle of Jesus Christ. This is one of the ways I make it in my life day after day trial after trial. I know with all of my heart that Jesus Christ has Apostles and a Prophet here on the earth today and I can listen to or read what they have to say. You can too if you want HERE.

Can I just say...


Now having said that, I will not want to say it has been all bad

I have been blessed with friends who have served me

and provided the balm of Gilead.

Thank you Becky you have been an angel for me. My good friend who helps me when my jaw hurts so bad I can't even eat brought her massage table over, worked her magic on my jaw and now I can open it. Isaac sat there touching me with his tender hands wanting to "help."

And true to his tender nature, Jared has been very sensitive to me in spite of the fact that he lost his full time job this week as the company he worked for closed it's doors.

I started this week ready to write. Excited to write. I would sit down here at my computer and dissolve.

I saw my mother for the first time since July this past week. My youngest sister is in the hospital, she has been in very serious condition.

I have been spending time in therapy for a few weeks now working on how I might respond at upcoming family celebrations, like my niece getting married, when my mother speaks to me. I want to be graceful and also not give myself away and then have to spend weeks of therapy repairing the damage. We did not however prepare yet for the possibility that she would not speak to me even when I say hi, not even a hi back.

I don't have much to say now except, hmmm.

Monday, March 8, 2010

What will they say about me?

Yesterday my married kids came over in the afternoon.
This is a pretty regular Sunday activity.
A treasure.

My son was a little tweaked about what had happened in church that morning. With tact and tenderness I would like to share because it fits with a post I have been toying with for some time now. The original title was going to be What my kids will never say about me...

In my married kids Sunday meeting a family had been asked to give a presentation.
I am sure they are a lovely family with many gifts and great closeness. Unfortunately instead of having the desired effect of encouraging and lifting my kids to want more, they felt that uncomfortable feeling I have felt before. How do I explain it? Do you know the one? "Well look at them aren't they perfect?" Followed by a quick, "I can never be like that."

I listened I gave knowing nods I gave love, I know for sure I have had those kinds of experiences and I wanted my children to know I understood how that felt.

A few minutes later 2 of my sons got in a heated argument and my married son was trying to help them cool down. I looked at my daughter in law with what I hope she recognized as a twinkle in my eye and I said,
"I don't think they will be asking us to give one of those "How to be the perfect family " presentations in church.

There was so much love in our home yesterday as we all gathered
I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the whole world.

So here is the LIST

What my kids will never say about me...

1. I never heard my mom raise her voice to me in anger
2. My mom was always on time
3. My mom came to every game, every practice, and every performance
4. My mom had dinner on the table every night
5. I never heard my parents argue
6. My mom never said a negative thing about anyone, ever!
7. My mom made me practice my instrument and I am grateful for that now
8. My mom was always there for every thing I needed
9. My mom never complained or nagged
10. My mom always put our needs before her own
11. My mom was the best listener

I am sure I can add to this list many times over.

Here is what I want my kids to always be able to say about me.

My mom was honest. She really cared about my feelings and I always knew she loved me NO MATTER WHAT. My mom did not pretend life was always going to be fair or work out the way I wanted but she taught me that Things Work Out, They ALWAYS Work Out and I can trust myself. I can trust my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

My mom was real.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Man I Married

Today I had a rough start.

Things just got worse when my therapy appointment
had to be canceled for an emergency.

I tried to pick a fight with my man
while he was at work
we were talking on the phone.

I am not proud of THIS.

He, my man, he came home and took me to lunch
and totally didn't even bring it up.

Monday, February 22, 2010


All things testify to me that HE must indeed love
Broken things.

Change and Truth


You just know it is time for a


Not a

small one

a very BIG

I know I have said it before... but this blog is changing, this girl is changing too.


Last week I was different.
All the work of recovery I had done was right there where I needed it to be right when I needed it the most.

I Remembered.

little vicki spoke and I heard her. I understood what she had to say. I believed her. I didn't run from her. I listened and she knew I would not let her down.

Some things come together in ways I never expect them to. I have always said that recovery, especially for me, because I remember so little of my childhood is like a puzzle. There are pieces, I see them I touch them and I don't know where they go, how the pieces fit or what some of them even mean. I have been learning for a few months now how important it is to just let them sit there and not try to force the pieces together. I have been learning how to wait.

I wrote to Sarah last week and admitted that I had be realizing that I have just enough memory of my childhood to know that I didn't just wake up one day an adult.

I had been writing, when I felt tied up in knots for reasons I couldn't understand I would write and express my frustration.

I wrote about my reoccurring jaw pain and how somehow, I didn't know why, but I just knew it was a body memory. I pushed past that ever present fear that what I think is "stupid" and that "the therapist will surely laugh at this one" and I gave him that journaling. That was hard to do. Not to mention we didn't get to talk about it for two weeks because Jared and I were going through stuff I had to work on because that is the world of today! I wrote about that body memory, I cried and cried and wrote and wrote and I couldn't even see what I was writing I was so triggered by what was going on.

I began having a dream again that I have had from time to time for as long as I can remember, which means, since I have been married 23 years. This dream became more and more insistent and consistent and every time I slept and so very real.

I went back to the gym and took a really great new water bottle that I had gotten which had a cool straw in it with a rubber cap for drinking from.

I woke up last week on the day of therapy having been chased by my dream over and over knowing that I had a choice. This ME the grown up almost 44 year old woman who is safe: I could run from that dream and stuff it down and fight it and give in to the familiar shame and guilt that doesn't belong to ME or little me and



I could let little vicki tell the therapist what she has been trying to tell me for so many years and I have not been able or ready to recognize as a puzzle piece which fit just so in a very tender and infected place in my soul.

I could let little vicki speak the horror and shame of her dream. her dream where she has sticky gum in her mouth and no matter what she does it just gets bigger and bigger and she can't get the gum out. No matter how many times she spits that gum out it is still there and it won't go away. It just grows until I finally wake up.

So I TOLD THE TRUTH. First, I told Jared, then I told Dr. H., and I am tell it here too.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Simple Things

Simple Things

A well lived day
Smiling at my children
Holding Jared's hand in church
Waking to the soft sound of rain
Feeling like smiling
Breaking bread with people I love
Gratitude in knowing
There Is a Savior
He knows my name
And He knows yours too

PS for me it is Hot Cocoa ;)
Enchanted Oak has given us the opportunity to make a bliss list of simple things and give at the same time. Namaste to you Enchanted Oak, you are simply a blessing.

Sunday Devotional

This morning I wanted to share one of "Those Songs."
One of those songs I can listen to over and and over. The kind of song which fills my bucket when it is empty and lifts me when I feel in despair.
The kind of song I want to hear when I am happy.
It is just my kind of song.
Enjoy and have a blessed Sunday.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Just Frustrated

Lately I skip writing here and I just read my blog friends because well..
I guess I should just tell the truth, I am less than honest here.
I spend a great deal of time being frustrated with myself. I get frustrated that I just don't have "it" all together. Whatever IT is?!
I went from 4 kids at home to 1 married (that added one precious daughter in law and a grandson to my brood), 1 who is an adult but still acts like a child and I worry about him way too much, (my oldest son, he came home from his mission back in November because he was having such a severe depression that he needed treatment) and the last 2 who are still at home, incredibly strong willed teenagers, All of that change in less than 3 years! I am trying to keep my bearings with all the change that happens and remind myself it will work out and I truly don't have control over it all. I try to remember that God is in charge and Loves them and Jared and I more than I know or understand and that I can remember to trust Him and His son Jesus Christ. Today I read this,
"When the surf of centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this."
Neal A. Maxwell
I read other words too, words about being a mother, trying to find comfort trying to find solace in my time of need and fear.
Maybe someone else who reads this needed to know what I was reminded of today. Maybe it was just me. But, with my tears and with my fears, I did find comfort and I do feel better.
I am struggling with my family. Funny how that happens when they just don't see eye to eye with me. Teenagers, well they want to do 80% of what they do a different way than my way. Today my husband reminded me that I have spent the majority of their lives encouraging them to tell me what they really think. So the problem isn't that they have their own opinion, the problem is when they disrespect me in the expressing of their opinion.
Speaking of said husband, this has not been an easy week for us. I mentioned a few posts back we have had one car for almost two months now because his car was totalled in December. He is getting frustrated as he tries to purchase a very inexpensive, make do for now car. from this guy we know in the neighborhood. There have been set backs all week. My married kids have been terrific to lend me some wheels when I have a need once or twice a week and I have been walking more often which is quite nice.
Besides that Jared and I are just struggling with some communication issues lately and we definitely have some work to do to get our closeness back on track. On one hand I am grateful that I trust myself more than I used to and I am able to take care of my needs when I am working hard on my abuse issues as they come up, but on the other hand I really like going through these rough patches better when he and I are in sync.
I had minor toe surgery earlier in the week because I let an ingrown toenail get out of hand by trying to take care of it on my own. Learned my lesson on that one because dang, all that pain was not worth it.
So.. the point of all this rambling besides just getting some of this out there and not keeping it all in anymore, is just this..
I am trying to learn the lesson, I am trying to go to the source for my answers and trust the Living Water to fill my thirst rather than continue in my frustration and fear. When John the Revelator compares the "Woman" metaphorically to the power and righteousness of the kingdom of God he says, "And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God" Revelation 12:6.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Learning the language of memory

The body has stories to tell. Dreams scream out to be remembered and heard. My mind goes and goes seemingly in a never ending loop waiting for me to break the code.

They are Mine

And the beautiful woman with the flaming hair bowed
with the strength of an ancient tree and she spoke the words so tenderly so deliberately,
"They are MINE, each and every One, I have come to claim them."
And the ancient tree smiled.

What Secrets?

What secrets could my mind
If I could trust and let THEM

The woman with the flaming hair she waits and longs to care
for those who's time it is to share.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


My darling grandson

We can only be said to be alive in
those moments when our hearts are
conscious of our treasures.
Thornton Wilder