I could write about the insomnia I have been struggling with.
I could write about how not on top of things (you know Life!) I am not since the Holidays and how I am not letting that get to me because I am still in awe of how well I survived and indeed THRIVED though them. But, I would want to edit and sort that all out before I put it here so I will just say.. Hanging in there, and thanking the good Lord for every good gift of Grace!
I could write about our totaled car the week of Christmas and how I secretly am loving the excuse to NOT go anywhere.
I could write about the house fire we had last Friday and how I was just minutes from having to call the Fire Dept. How grateful I AM. How I haven't even cleaned up the mess in the back yard of all the burning things I got out of here. Before tomorrow ;) it is garbage day on Tuesday. I will say I have gotten a whole lot of mileage out of being the "Fire Marshall" from my sweetie and enjoyed special treatment from him. Wonder how long I can milk this for?
I could write about all of the great food I have been cooking, hey it would at least be writing something..
I just am still struggling for words and marvel that anyone still visits!! Thank you all soooo much. I am coming back to LIFE I just know it. I FEEL IT!!!
I will write that yesterday I spent two hours "taking a nap" with Isaac. Pure Bliss. Really we watched Little Bear for most of the time, I have to say that little vicki loves to watch shows with Isaac. My feet were under the covers and Isaac was down by my feet watching and I moved them and he said, "stop" which of course let a silly game where my feet talked to him and he giggled uproariously. Finally he turned to me, climbed up to my face buried his face next to mine and sighed, "OH Goga." When I am down, when I am discouraged and afraid of the future. I remember that 3 short years ago before Isaac was born to his 16 year old parents, I didn't know how anything would ever work itself out or be wonderful again? Things work out, Things always work out. One way or another they do work out. That is Hope. This is GRACE.
Today I have the quiet I have been seeking. My children have gone back to school. Sweetheart is back to work. I am grateful.
I have been reading, visiting old friends whom I have missed dearly. I am slow. I will make it to my whole blogroll in time. Thank you for love patience and support.
Now that the holidays have concluded I have been able to experience the impact recent events have had on me... on my life.
I struggle mightily many days as I learn how to let my oldest grow away from me and be on his own. Frankly, I have worried myself sick. I have been so angry at myself for this since I know I can not control and I am not in charge of his life. I DON'T WANT TO BE!!! I have been a wreck about our relationship.
I have been so amazed at how peaceful the holidays have been without any contact with my mother/abuser. I have had grieving to do. Quiet, private, much needed grieving. But, I have not missed the empty feeling which comes from faking a relationship when there really is none.
I am sure tomorrow will bring more quiet reflection if I get what I want from the day.
Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you don't give up. Anne Lamott
I remember many years ago there was a time when depression, fatigue, and despair overwhelmed me. I was sinking fast I had given up. God led me that night to listen to a devotional speaker. Within minutes of listening to his words I was crying and unsure if I could control myself. He said, "Never, Never, Never Give UP." I am forever grateful for this experience and these tender words from a living Angel sent to me that night by God who knows my needs.
I used this illustration above to teach a group of teenage young women at church last Sunday about goals and remembering to set smaller goals to help us reach our larger long range goals. I explained to them that we spend much of our time down in the trees working hard and hopefully heading for the light as in the first photo. We rarely are able to view our lives or our progress from above, as in the second photo taken from a hot air balloon. Many will not ever in their life understand or be able to appreciate the impact they have on the world around them or the lives of those around them.
I have to believe that is where faith and trust come in to play. I spend my life down in those trees. I purposely chose a gorgeous photo of trees with light in the distance. I see myself as a seeker of light. I want to spend my days in pursuit of the dreams of my heart. Sometimes I lose my way for awhile, I forget that I have to take the short day to day steps toward what I value. Every step counts, every day counts. I have to remind myself that even though I can't see the bigger picture as from above I still have to hold on to my faith that there really is a bigger picture and that the bigger picture matters.
I am so easily overtaken by the dailiness of my life. Being the mother of a busy and and active family is most definitely a priority and also demands my energy. I adore spending my time being here in my moments being alive feeling the ups the downs the ins and the outs. I also want to remember the other path that I have chosen for myself. Writing, telling the truth, healing, listening to others tell their truth, offering my support and sincere caring. I will be sitting down to give myself some steps simple small steps which will help me remember the bigger picture of what is REALLY IMPORTANT to me.
Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. ...Touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.