Monday, January 4, 2010

Quiet

Today I have the quiet I have been seeking.
My children have gone back to school.
Sweetheart is back to work.
I am grateful.

I have been reading,
visiting old friends whom I
have missed dearly.
I am slow. I will make it to
my whole blogroll in time.
Thank you for love patience and support.

Now that the holidays have concluded
I have been able to experience the impact
recent events have had on me... on my life.

I struggle mightily many days as I learn how
to let my oldest grow away from me and be on his own.
Frankly, I have worried myself sick.
I have been so angry at myself for this
since I know I can not control and I am not
in charge of his life.
I DON'T WANT TO BE!!!
I have been a wreck about our relationship.

I have been so amazed at how peaceful
the holidays have been without any
contact with my mother/abuser.
I have had grieving to do.
Quiet, private, much needed grieving.
But, I have not missed the empty
feeling which comes from faking a relationship
when there really is none.

I am sure tomorrow will bring
more quiet reflection if I get
what I want from the day.



14 comments:

  1. and so, slowly but surely, all comes together.

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  2. You sound great. And it is true what you wrote, "But, I have not missed the empty
    feeling which comes from faking a relationship
    when there really is none."

    I disowned my whole family decades ago. It is just more peaceful. And without judgment.

    bettyann

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  3. Oh, Vicki it is pleasant to see updates of you in my blog list! I know how frustrating it is to act controlling but not want to be AT ALL! Awareness is the first step. Take care! *hugs* <3

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  4. Have you considered the possibility that you have such mixed emotions about your son growing up because you believe he will no longer need you? I found out that "the empty nest" syndrome is real for that very reason. But on the flip side, when I let go of my daughter, she sprouted and bloomed into the very young adult I hoped she would become. I hope you find the peace you seek and the strength to allow your son to show you what a wonderful young man he can be.

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  5. we are so gald youve had some time for you, and not seeing your mum seems a good thing. We still have a month before our kids go back to school

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  6. I think we want so much to protect our kids and keep them safe and make sure we don't damage them the way our parents damaged us when we were growing up. ((((((Hugs))))))

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  7. Grieving is a big part of recovery from sexual abuse. It sounds like you are doing great with the process. I have been doing some grief work of my own recently. Have a glorious 2010.

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  8. This must have been such a difficult time for you. I'm really impressed with your strength and maturity. I am glad for the quiet time you have and feel for you with the struggle of letting your son go. You are so brave.

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  9. I have been thinking about you Vicki and I want you to know how much I have appreciated your friendship. :)

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  10. Yepp, we dont miss the feeling of a faked relationship.

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  11. Thanks for those links. Beautiful! I had much the same feeling about Christmas as you mentioned here about not being with your abuser - the peacefulness of it and not missing that pretending and having the grieving too. Blessings and hugs!

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  12. Ah yes, I too don't miss the pretense of a relationship I used to have (try to have) with my mother.

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