Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Man I Married

Today I had a rough start.

Things just got worse when my therapy appointment
had to be canceled for an emergency.

I tried to pick a fight with my man
while he was at work
we were talking on the phone.

I am not proud of THIS.

He, my man, he came home and took me to lunch
and totally didn't even bring it up.

Monday, February 22, 2010


All things testify to me that HE must indeed love
Broken things.

Change and Truth


You just know it is time for a


Not a

small one

a very BIG

I know I have said it before... but this blog is changing, this girl is changing too.


Last week I was different.
All the work of recovery I had done was right there where I needed it to be right when I needed it the most.

I Remembered.

little vicki spoke and I heard her. I understood what she had to say. I believed her. I didn't run from her. I listened and she knew I would not let her down.

Some things come together in ways I never expect them to. I have always said that recovery, especially for me, because I remember so little of my childhood is like a puzzle. There are pieces, I see them I touch them and I don't know where they go, how the pieces fit or what some of them even mean. I have been learning for a few months now how important it is to just let them sit there and not try to force the pieces together. I have been learning how to wait.

I wrote to Sarah last week and admitted that I had be realizing that I have just enough memory of my childhood to know that I didn't just wake up one day an adult.

I had been writing, when I felt tied up in knots for reasons I couldn't understand I would write and express my frustration.

I wrote about my reoccurring jaw pain and how somehow, I didn't know why, but I just knew it was a body memory. I pushed past that ever present fear that what I think is "stupid" and that "the therapist will surely laugh at this one" and I gave him that journaling. That was hard to do. Not to mention we didn't get to talk about it for two weeks because Jared and I were going through stuff I had to work on because that is the world of today! I wrote about that body memory, I cried and cried and wrote and wrote and I couldn't even see what I was writing I was so triggered by what was going on.

I began having a dream again that I have had from time to time for as long as I can remember, which means, since I have been married 23 years. This dream became more and more insistent and consistent and every time I slept and so very real.

I went back to the gym and took a really great new water bottle that I had gotten which had a cool straw in it with a rubber cap for drinking from.

I woke up last week on the day of therapy having been chased by my dream over and over knowing that I had a choice. This ME the grown up almost 44 year old woman who is safe: I could run from that dream and stuff it down and fight it and give in to the familiar shame and guilt that doesn't belong to ME or little me and



I could let little vicki tell the therapist what she has been trying to tell me for so many years and I have not been able or ready to recognize as a puzzle piece which fit just so in a very tender and infected place in my soul.

I could let little vicki speak the horror and shame of her dream. her dream where she has sticky gum in her mouth and no matter what she does it just gets bigger and bigger and she can't get the gum out. No matter how many times she spits that gum out it is still there and it won't go away. It just grows until I finally wake up.

So I TOLD THE TRUTH. First, I told Jared, then I told Dr. H., and I am tell it here too.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Simple Things

Simple Things

A well lived day
Smiling at my children
Holding Jared's hand in church
Waking to the soft sound of rain
Feeling like smiling
Breaking bread with people I love
Gratitude in knowing
There Is a Savior
He knows my name
And He knows yours too

PS for me it is Hot Cocoa ;)
Enchanted Oak has given us the opportunity to make a bliss list of simple things and give at the same time. Namaste to you Enchanted Oak, you are simply a blessing.

Sunday Devotional

This morning I wanted to share one of "Those Songs."
One of those songs I can listen to over and and over. The kind of song which fills my bucket when it is empty and lifts me when I feel in despair.
The kind of song I want to hear when I am happy.
It is just my kind of song.
Enjoy and have a blessed Sunday.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Just Frustrated

Lately I skip writing here and I just read my blog friends because well..
I guess I should just tell the truth, I am less than honest here.
I spend a great deal of time being frustrated with myself. I get frustrated that I just don't have "it" all together. Whatever IT is?!
I went from 4 kids at home to 1 married (that added one precious daughter in law and a grandson to my brood), 1 who is an adult but still acts like a child and I worry about him way too much, (my oldest son, he came home from his mission back in November because he was having such a severe depression that he needed treatment) and the last 2 who are still at home, incredibly strong willed teenagers, All of that change in less than 3 years! I am trying to keep my bearings with all the change that happens and remind myself it will work out and I truly don't have control over it all. I try to remember that God is in charge and Loves them and Jared and I more than I know or understand and that I can remember to trust Him and His son Jesus Christ. Today I read this,
"When the surf of centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this."
Neal A. Maxwell
I read other words too, words about being a mother, trying to find comfort trying to find solace in my time of need and fear.
Maybe someone else who reads this needed to know what I was reminded of today. Maybe it was just me. But, with my tears and with my fears, I did find comfort and I do feel better.
I am struggling with my family. Funny how that happens when they just don't see eye to eye with me. Teenagers, well they want to do 80% of what they do a different way than my way. Today my husband reminded me that I have spent the majority of their lives encouraging them to tell me what they really think. So the problem isn't that they have their own opinion, the problem is when they disrespect me in the expressing of their opinion.
Speaking of said husband, this has not been an easy week for us. I mentioned a few posts back we have had one car for almost two months now because his car was totalled in December. He is getting frustrated as he tries to purchase a very inexpensive, make do for now car. from this guy we know in the neighborhood. There have been set backs all week. My married kids have been terrific to lend me some wheels when I have a need once or twice a week and I have been walking more often which is quite nice.
Besides that Jared and I are just struggling with some communication issues lately and we definitely have some work to do to get our closeness back on track. On one hand I am grateful that I trust myself more than I used to and I am able to take care of my needs when I am working hard on my abuse issues as they come up, but on the other hand I really like going through these rough patches better when he and I are in sync.
I had minor toe surgery earlier in the week because I let an ingrown toenail get out of hand by trying to take care of it on my own. Learned my lesson on that one because dang, all that pain was not worth it.
So.. the point of all this rambling besides just getting some of this out there and not keeping it all in anymore, is just this..
I am trying to learn the lesson, I am trying to go to the source for my answers and trust the Living Water to fill my thirst rather than continue in my frustration and fear. When John the Revelator compares the "Woman" metaphorically to the power and righteousness of the kingdom of God he says, "And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God" Revelation 12:6.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Learning the language of memory

The body has stories to tell. Dreams scream out to be remembered and heard. My mind goes and goes seemingly in a never ending loop waiting for me to break the code.

They are Mine

And the beautiful woman with the flaming hair bowed
with the strength of an ancient tree and she spoke the words so tenderly so deliberately,
"They are MINE, each and every One, I have come to claim them."
And the ancient tree smiled.

What Secrets?

What secrets could my mind
If I could trust and let THEM

The woman with the flaming hair she waits and longs to care
for those who's time it is to share.