Friday, February 5, 2010

Just Frustrated

Lately I skip writing here and I just read my blog friends because well..
I guess I should just tell the truth, I am less than honest here.
I spend a great deal of time being frustrated with myself. I get frustrated that I just don't have "it" all together. Whatever IT is?!
I went from 4 kids at home to 1 married (that added one precious daughter in law and a grandson to my brood), 1 who is an adult but still acts like a child and I worry about him way too much, (my oldest son, he came home from his mission back in November because he was having such a severe depression that he needed treatment) and the last 2 who are still at home, incredibly strong willed teenagers, All of that change in less than 3 years! I am trying to keep my bearings with all the change that happens and remind myself it will work out and I truly don't have control over it all. I try to remember that God is in charge and Loves them and Jared and I more than I know or understand and that I can remember to trust Him and His son Jesus Christ. Today I read this,
"When the surf of centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this."
Neal A. Maxwell
I read other words too, words about being a mother, trying to find comfort trying to find solace in my time of need and fear.
Maybe someone else who reads this needed to know what I was reminded of today. Maybe it was just me. But, with my tears and with my fears, I did find comfort and I do feel better.
I am struggling with my family. Funny how that happens when they just don't see eye to eye with me. Teenagers, well they want to do 80% of what they do a different way than my way. Today my husband reminded me that I have spent the majority of their lives encouraging them to tell me what they really think. So the problem isn't that they have their own opinion, the problem is when they disrespect me in the expressing of their opinion.
Speaking of said husband, this has not been an easy week for us. I mentioned a few posts back we have had one car for almost two months now because his car was totalled in December. He is getting frustrated as he tries to purchase a very inexpensive, make do for now car. from this guy we know in the neighborhood. There have been set backs all week. My married kids have been terrific to lend me some wheels when I have a need once or twice a week and I have been walking more often which is quite nice.
Besides that Jared and I are just struggling with some communication issues lately and we definitely have some work to do to get our closeness back on track. On one hand I am grateful that I trust myself more than I used to and I am able to take care of my needs when I am working hard on my abuse issues as they come up, but on the other hand I really like going through these rough patches better when he and I are in sync.
I had minor toe surgery earlier in the week because I let an ingrown toenail get out of hand by trying to take care of it on my own. Learned my lesson on that one because dang, all that pain was not worth it.
So.. the point of all this rambling besides just getting some of this out there and not keeping it all in anymore, is just this..
I am trying to learn the lesson, I am trying to go to the source for my answers and trust the Living Water to fill my thirst rather than continue in my frustration and fear. When John the Revelator compares the "Woman" metaphorically to the power and righteousness of the kingdom of God he says, "And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God" Revelation 12:6.

15 comments:

  1. Do not feel alomne some of my posting are already set up to post.such as the awww monday and friday flashback posts.

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  2. hi vicki, this post feels like a big healthy release. i hope it felt good to get all this out. try to be gentle with yourself. life throws us all kinds of frustrating stuff and sometimes when it rains it pours, and it sounds like you are working through each thing trying to keep in mind what matters to you.

    remember one day at a time. and sometimes one moment at a time :) wishing you well~~

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  3. I don;'t have it together either, but I love reading other peoples blogs, and I LOVE my cat.... and I am glad to meet another cat woman. Eight cats! Wow.

    Take care,

    Susan and Holly cat

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  4. Sometimes it just feels good to let out that frustration. I too have been going through some stuff with a few of our teens. Some days are just a struggle.

    Thanks Vicki for taking the time to stop by my blog...your friendship means a lot!

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  5. Hi Vicki, thanks for posting! I'm glad that you feel that you can share your frustrations. I'm also glad that you are letting your frustration out via blog. Take care! *hugs* <3

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  6. It is important to get it out...

    And the more people of different ages; etc; under one roof ..the more human conflicts.. etc.

    Make a lot of self-care time..

    Make a date night with your Husband too...

    (hugs). And be kind to yourself; you had a lot of changes; with coming to terms with the past too..

    This is normal..

    hugs..

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  7. Vicki -

    I wondered where you had gone to!

    So sorry for your struggles and it seems as if there comes another before you have a chance to deal with the current one.

    I often worried because I just cannot get it together - never had it together - and can't seem to find the pieces to put together. Then, a wonderful person shared with me some of his beliefs. Now, I believe that God doesn't have his finger in our lives, stirring us up, nor does he pat our lives down. I don't think we are here to 'get it together' anymore, we are here to work on it. The pieces are all here, we just need to work on it.

    Hugs ((Vicki))

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  8. I have found blogging helped to free me....I am so glad you vented. I pray you 're feeling a ton better, lighter, easier. hugs to you. Stay strong ok Sarah

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  9. Good to hear you went, good to see you around again. Please be kind to yourself. We are all constant work in progress and there are days where e can deal better and days where it is harder. Besides where tow people meet is potential of conflict as we have different views, attitudes and approaches. It isnt important to agree on all and everything, except to agree that one not always has to agree :-))))It is ok to be frustrated. Be gerntle with yourselves - so many changes in your life - it takes time to adjust. Hugs

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  10. Hi Vicki, I'm glad you vented and felt safe to do it. It's the worst when you feel like you have to put on a strong/happy/I'm okay face when what you really need is to get it all out! It sounds like you have so many things going on that are happening all at once. Try not to be hard on yourself. Thank you for your post. M

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  11. Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Things will get better. Change is always hard. And don't feel bad. I will probably never have IT all together! Keep your chin up and know that there are lots of people thinking and praying for you.

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  12. (((Hugs))) I went through such difficult times with my daughter. I thought--more than once--that she would never speak to me again. She was a good kid, just so angry at me. Now...now she is an amazing friend. We are closer than I would once have believed possible. It may work out that way, in the end, for you with your kids, too.

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  13. It's not easy raising kids, or being married, or trying to have IT all together. Most likely you are doing better than you think--I know I'm always my worst critic.

    I hope it helped you to get your emotions out. Blogging is so helpful for that. Hope things go better for you real soon!

    Beautifuldreamer

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  14. Have you ever gone to a twelve-step meeting? I go to CoDA meetings, and what you wrote here reminds me of how it feels to "share" there. When I share, honestly, I feel good when I walk out the door. Sometimes, I get caught up in the people-pleasing aspect that is so familiar to codependent people, and I share what I think someone else wants or needs to hear. When I leave those meetings, I don't feel happy. I feel like I've wasted my time.

    The most interesting thing is, when I do share "honestly", even when it feels like I am complaining or ranting or not able to show the solution, that's when people approach me after the meeting to thank me for sharing.

    So, thank you for sharing.

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  15. i have felt that way many, many times...that i don't have "it." no matter how hard i tried to make my life perfect, it just wasn't.

    but i am learning that "it" is that gospel perspective that we aren't going through this crap alone, ya know? "it" is what you just described.....the ability to see past the problems & know that there's a god in heaven who's there to help us through.

    it's kind of exhausting, huh?

    best of luck sister. i feel ya & love ya.

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