Lately I skip writing here and I just read my blog friends because well..
I guess I should just tell the truth, I am less than honest here.
I spend a great deal of time being frustrated with myself. I get frustrated that I just don't have "it" all together. Whatever IT is?!
I went from 4 kids at home to 1 married (that added one precious daughter in law and a grandson to my brood), 1 who is an adult but still acts like a child and I worry about him way too much, (my oldest son, he came home from his mission back in November because he was having such a severe depression that he needed treatment) and the last 2 who are still at home, incredibly strong willed teenagers, All of that change in less than 3 years! I am trying to keep my bearings with all the change that happens and remind myself it will work out and I truly don't have control over it all. I try to remember that God is in charge and Loves them and Jared and I more than I know or understand and that I can remember to trust Him and His son Jesus Christ. Today I read this,
"When the surf of centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this."
Neal A. Maxwell
I read other words too, words about being a mother, trying to find comfort trying to find solace in my time of need and fear.
Maybe someone else who reads this needed to know what I was reminded of today. Maybe it was just me. But, with my tears and with my fears, I did find comfort and I do feel better.
I am struggling with my family. Funny how that happens when they just don't see eye to eye with me. Teenagers, well they want to do 80% of what they do a different way than my way. Today my husband reminded me that I have spent the majority of their lives encouraging them to tell me what they really think. So the problem isn't that they have their own opinion, the problem is when they disrespect me in the expressing of their opinion.
Speaking of said husband, this has not been an easy week for us. I mentioned a few posts back we have had one car for almost two months now because his car was totalled in December. He is getting frustrated as he tries to purchase a very inexpensive, make do for now car. from this guy we know in the neighborhood. There have been set backs all week. My married kids have been terrific to lend me some wheels when I have a need once or twice a week and I have been walking more often which is quite nice.
Besides that Jared and I are just struggling with some communication issues lately and we definitely have some work to do to get our closeness back on track. On one hand I am grateful that I trust myself more than I used to and I am able to take care of my needs when I am working hard on my abuse issues as they come up, but on the other hand I really like going through these rough patches better when he and I are in sync.
I had minor toe surgery earlier in the week because I let an ingrown toenail get out of hand by trying to take care of it on my own. Learned my lesson on that one because dang, all that pain was not worth it.
So.. the point of all this rambling besides just getting some of this out there and not keeping it all in anymore, is just this..
I am trying to learn the lesson, I am trying to go to the source for my answers and trust the Living Water to fill my thirst rather than continue in my frustration and fear. When John the Revelator compares the "Woman" metaphorically to the power and righteousness of the kingdom of God he says, "And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God" Revelation 12:6.