Monday, February 22, 2010

Change and Truth

Sometime...

You just know it is time for a

Change!

Not a

small one

a very BIG
one.

I know I have said it before... but this blog is changing, this girl is changing too.

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Last week I was different.
All the work of recovery I had done was right there where I needed it to be right when I needed it the most.

I Remembered.

little vicki spoke and I heard her. I understood what she had to say. I believed her. I didn't run from her. I listened and she knew I would not let her down.

Some things come together in ways I never expect them to. I have always said that recovery, especially for me, because I remember so little of my childhood is like a puzzle. There are pieces, I see them I touch them and I don't know where they go, how the pieces fit or what some of them even mean. I have been learning for a few months now how important it is to just let them sit there and not try to force the pieces together. I have been learning how to wait.

I wrote to Sarah last week and admitted that I had be realizing that I have just enough memory of my childhood to know that I didn't just wake up one day an adult.

I had been writing, when I felt tied up in knots for reasons I couldn't understand I would write and express my frustration.

I wrote about my reoccurring jaw pain and how somehow, I didn't know why, but I just knew it was a body memory. I pushed past that ever present fear that what I think is "stupid" and that "the therapist will surely laugh at this one" and I gave him that journaling. That was hard to do. Not to mention we didn't get to talk about it for two weeks because Jared and I were going through stuff I had to work on because that is the world of today! I wrote about that body memory, I cried and cried and wrote and wrote and I couldn't even see what I was writing I was so triggered by what was going on.

I began having a dream again that I have had from time to time for as long as I can remember, which means, since I have been married 23 years. This dream became more and more insistent and consistent and every time I slept and so very real.

I went back to the gym and took a really great new water bottle that I had gotten which had a cool straw in it with a rubber cap for drinking from.

I woke up last week on the day of therapy having been chased by my dream over and over knowing that I had a choice. This ME the grown up almost 44 year old woman who is safe: I could run from that dream and stuff it down and fight it and give in to the familiar shame and guilt that doesn't belong to ME or little me and

NEVER DID BELONG TO ME

OR

I could let little vicki tell the therapist what she has been trying to tell me for so many years and I have not been able or ready to recognize as a puzzle piece which fit just so in a very tender and infected place in my soul.

I could let little vicki speak the horror and shame of her dream. her dream where she has sticky gum in her mouth and no matter what she does it just gets bigger and bigger and she can't get the gum out. No matter how many times she spits that gum out it is still there and it won't go away. It just grows until I finally wake up.

So I TOLD THE TRUTH. First, I told Jared, then I told Dr. H., and I am tell it here too.






24 comments:

  1. My childhood memory is also full of holes. I have also had an experience of reclaiming some of what is lost. It was very powerful. I'm glad for you. I hope it brings you some peace. Though, for me, the peace took a little while to settle in. Hugs.

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  2. Yep Kathy, it does take time. Thank you for the kind support. One thing I am good at, giving myself time to settle after the storm.

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  3. HI-

    Inner child work is hard work for sure. I applaud your determination. My inner child, "Annie" says "hi".

    Love Gail
    peace.....

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  4. hi vicki~ it sounds like you are doing a lot of heavy work. i hope all goes well for you and this part of your journey of healing brings you peace. wishing you well~

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  5. I really understand.. (hugs)... and more (hugs)..

    You are doing spectacular.. getting it out..

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  6. you are an amazing spirit....it's just so obvious when i have the pleasure of running into you. and it's obvious on this blog. you are strong.

    my sincerest support & love is with you!

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  7. Vicki, inner child work is hard however so rewarding. Currently I am having a great time with "Paulchen", the little one. I can tell her she is right in what she sees and feels, I tell her she is now safe as I, Paula, will guard her and we will through life hand in hand.
    Maybe you like to read a post of mine which I wrote during therapy:
    http://pneumeier.blogspot.com/2010_01_01_archive.html
    Ever since I went down the memory road and finally painted what I couldnt say. It will be one of my next post as like you it took me time to get there - to the telling. You are doing so great. The pain of recovery is worth ever tear. My trigger became my treasure, knowing WHERE I have to work on. Mill of Hugs to You and The little one

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  8. My dear, sweet, precious friend, you are one of the strongest and most courageous people I know. I am hear for you ALWAYS if you need someone to talk to, or anything at all....I have been there.... While I have come far, I still have a lot of work to do to get over the grief and trauma and displaced emotions that surround and stem from events in my own childhood. I am so thankful for the talents my Heavenly Father blessed me with, if it were not for these outlets, I doubt I would have survived through adolescence. It is still difficult to let go of the shame, guilt, and feelings of responsibility (which I certainly was not responsible for the things that happened) even after years of therapy.

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  9. Wow...amazing work. We are so proud of all of you, it takes great courage to share from the depths of your person.

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  10. i just wanted to say...I like you. I am finding you to be pretty inspiring. Thank you for working your journey so transparently.

    ang

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  11. Gail~
    Thank you so much and so nice to meet you Annie.

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  12. Katie~
    Thanks for listening.
    Yep, heavy work for me results in lots of self care. I like that part.

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  13. Betty Ann,
    What can I say? Thanks for being there, listening and always loving me.

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  14. angie~
    Your kindness overwhelms my ♥

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  15. Paula~
    All of your hard work has truly inspired me to continue pressing forward and work through my "stuckness!" I will read this post for sure, thanks for sharing.
    Hugs for Paulchen from little vicki.

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  16. Becky~
    Well, I am a little overwhelmed and so grateful for our friendship. We shall have much to share with each other.

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  17. Exhale~
    Thank you so much for recognizing my courage. It means so much to me.
    Hugs to all of you!

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  18. Ang~
    Right back at YOU my friend.
    We get through this TOGETHER.

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  19. I had the BIGGEST smile reading this. GO YOU!!!!! I am really impressed by your courage and authenticity. You are rockin'! :-)

    In all seriousness though, take gentle care of yourself as you go through this process. Make sure you set aside time for nurturing your WHOLE self...I am thinking of you.

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  20. Vicki, here is a big encouraging hug to you for finally speaking up and giving that inner child a voice! Your strength really shows in this post, and it's very encouraging to read this.
    You go!
    xx

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  21. You did a very brave thing. Good and healing thoughts to you both.

    Kate

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  22. Tempy,
    I am so glad to here that you could smile. I did feel brave.
    I am going to do something I want to do very much, I am going to take a road trip by myself and meet Kate. I am positively over the moon excited.

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  23. Thank You Zan~
    This means the world to me. It is so nice to know you are not disgusting to others only brave.

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  24. Kate~
    Thank you my sweet friend.

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