Friday, April 23, 2010

Body Memories

I had a new insight this week about body memories. 

 My body memories are painful.  I have pain and with it will come the thought "this is a body memory."  My first reaction to that thought is a simple, I wonder why this is a body memory?  That reaction will be quickly followed by a very sarcastic part of me which responds with a "you are so dumb Not every pain is a body memory."
 I shall make it LOUD and CLEAR to that negative voice inside of me,
I know that every pain is not a body memory.  No matter how hard this negative voice tries to desuade me I will trust my insticts which desire for my body and soul to heal.


And in the new life of Living my Questions I will continue to trust that calm true voice until I Live my WAY into the answers.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Not Stuck!

Wow!  It felt so good to get that out yesterday.  All of the comments I recieved were so helpful really.  I am going to slowly incorporate lots of these strategies and see where I go.  I really enjoyed the website I am sure many of the ideas and systems there will help me.  I loved that she said don't get overwhelmed just start where you are.

I really had too much going on yesterday inside so of course what a perfect opportunity for this all to have become the overwhelming factor in my day.  I wrote that out and then I was able to journal for a long time about the flashbacks and body memories I have been dealing with.  I worked on those and then I rested and meditated.  Which was what the more important thing to do yesterday rather than dig into piles and boxes that can wait.

I decided I am going to take a picture of a problem area before and then after and post them to celebrate.  That is to come, but for today I thanked God for the support I have in so many ways and spent my day playing with my grandson... and my craptastic crap is still waiting for me and I survived it and it was a good day.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Stuck in my crap

So I just sent a comment to my friend Exhale and I told her that I am stuck. I think I said it 4 times in one short comment. I didn't realize how stuck I am feeling until I started commenting and the tears started coming and my chest started getting tighter. and I started to hurt inside.

She had written about hoarding and spring cleaning and junk she is getting rid of. I am so jealous. Jealous of her ambition to do the things I want to be doing. I want to get rid of the crap that is all around me, keeping me from feeling like I have a comfortable and peaceful surrounding. I want to stop thinking everything is so important that I have to keep it. I want the containers where I have shoved piles of crap from places in my house which will be seen when someone comes over, out of my bedroom. I want the new piles of crap and junk off my kitchen table and the dinning room table and my side board and my beautiful pie rack that is in the kitchen and the kitchen counters. I need to free myself from this addiction to piling.

I pile crap all over my life and then I don't feel like I can clear the crap out of my head. Those piles that nobody sees can wait. The piles in my head they are just hurting me, waiting to explode. But the piles everywhere in the house, they cause contention embarrassment fatigue waste. I waste time thinking about them fretting over them ignoring them stashing them stacking them did I already mention thinking about them. Yes I waste so much time thinking about them. They are like an obsession.

I know that I am not who I want to be because of these piles of crap. CRAPTASTIC CRAP. I don't think I know how to sort what is important and what isn't. I know that I can get rid of stuff. I do it all the time.

This is a painful part of who I am.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Living My Questions

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves.
Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be 
given you because you would not be able 
to live them.  And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will then
gradually, without noticing it, live along some 
distant day into the answers.

~Rainer Maria Rilke  LETTER TO A YOUNG POET

These last two week my life has been full of stillness and recognition.  I recognize all around me small wonders, key words in books I read, meditations I have chosen to make part of my healing process, comments my therapist will make, small wonders which if I am still enough to let them sink in tell me I am on the path.  I am where I should be.  I AM LIVING THE QUESTIONS.  My questions.  I call these small wonders "Tender Mercies" because I believe that God loves me so much and knows me so well that he gives me tender mercies to remind me that He is there and that my Savior's love is unending.

I can't believe I can actually say this, I like the part of healing where I don't have the answers and I have to step out into the darkness.  I have never felt this way before.