So I just sent a comment to my friend Exhale and I told her that I am stuck. I think I said it 4 times in one short comment. I didn't realize how stuck I am feeling until I started commenting and the tears started coming and my chest started getting tighter. and I started to hurt inside.
She had written about hoarding and spring cleaning and junk she is getting rid of. I am so jealous. Jealous of her ambition to do the things I want to be doing. I want to get rid of the crap that is all around me, keeping me from feeling like I have a comfortable and peaceful surrounding. I want to stop thinking everything is so important that I have to keep it. I want the containers where I have shoved piles of crap from places in my house which will be seen when someone comes over, out of my bedroom. I want the new piles of crap and junk off my kitchen table and the dinning room table and my side board and my beautiful pie rack that is in the kitchen and the kitchen counters. I need to free myself from this addiction to piling.
I pile crap all over my life and then I don't feel like I can clear the crap out of my head. Those piles that nobody sees can wait. The piles in my head they are just hurting me, waiting to explode. But the piles everywhere in the house, they cause contention embarrassment fatigue waste. I waste time thinking about them fretting over them ignoring them stashing them stacking them did I already mention thinking about them. Yes I waste so much time thinking about them. They are like an obsession.
I know that I am not who I want to be because of these piles of crap. CRAPTASTIC CRAP. I don't think I know how to sort what is important and what isn't. I know that I can get rid of stuff. I do it all the time.
This is a painful part of who I am.