Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Stuck in my crap

So I just sent a comment to my friend Exhale and I told her that I am stuck. I think I said it 4 times in one short comment. I didn't realize how stuck I am feeling until I started commenting and the tears started coming and my chest started getting tighter. and I started to hurt inside.

She had written about hoarding and spring cleaning and junk she is getting rid of. I am so jealous. Jealous of her ambition to do the things I want to be doing. I want to get rid of the crap that is all around me, keeping me from feeling like I have a comfortable and peaceful surrounding. I want to stop thinking everything is so important that I have to keep it. I want the containers where I have shoved piles of crap from places in my house which will be seen when someone comes over, out of my bedroom. I want the new piles of crap and junk off my kitchen table and the dinning room table and my side board and my beautiful pie rack that is in the kitchen and the kitchen counters. I need to free myself from this addiction to piling.

I pile crap all over my life and then I don't feel like I can clear the crap out of my head. Those piles that nobody sees can wait. The piles in my head they are just hurting me, waiting to explode. But the piles everywhere in the house, they cause contention embarrassment fatigue waste. I waste time thinking about them fretting over them ignoring them stashing them stacking them did I already mention thinking about them. Yes I waste so much time thinking about them. They are like an obsession.

I know that I am not who I want to be because of these piles of crap. CRAPTASTIC CRAP. I don't think I know how to sort what is important and what isn't. I know that I can get rid of stuff. I do it all the time.

This is a painful part of who I am.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, Vicki, I'm sorry that's getting you down. I was raising in a house of hoarding and have many of the same habits still. It's so frustrating, embarrassing, stressful, oh I could go on and on. I've tried Fly Lady and I think it could help, I just have to keep trying it. Take care! *hugs* <3

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  2. I can really understand the desire to hold on to things, they have connected with me, validated me and made me feel less empty. But at the end of the day, they are just things. One step I took was to stock up on those $7.99 scrapbooks from Borders. I glue cards, notes and paper items in there so that I can keep them, and they are organized. It's awesome to look back at them later.

    Take one area at a time, or even one box at a time. Make a trash, keep and considering pile and go through the keep and considering pile a couple of times. Make sure you have the supplies you need to be organized, moving one pile to a new pile never feels like anything is being accomplished. AND BE GENTLE with yourself :-) Stuff carries emotional weight...and you deserve to be taken gentle care of.

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  3. Vicki,
    I struggle with this too and I'm sorry it is weighing on you so much right now. I love the comment Tempy made about just taking your time with it and getting yourself organized. I know you can do it and that it will be a really good way to work through some things. I'm always thinking about you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    -Bee

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  4. Honey...it's one small step at a time. When your ready to go through your things it will happen. The fact that your thinking about doing it means you've taken the first step. Take gentle care of yourself as you are working through this. May the peace of God bring you comfort and fill you a fresh and a new with His perfect love.

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  5. hi vicki :)

    i do the same thing. and i grew up that way too. i've always thought hoarding is in some part a result of fear. "what if i need this?" for one thing, and being afraid to let things go. feeling like we need these things for some reason. and maybe holding onto stuff in general helps us feel secure in some way.

    i've found i have a tendency to hold onto stuff in general. not just physical things, but emotionally too. i think once i started figuring out how to let go of things, it made it easier.

    it can feel overwhelming, all this physical stuff. i was just feeling that way this morning. too many piles! so i appreciate you writing about this. to get to reflect more on this and help me feel more motivated to go through and donate it, recycle it or throw it out.

    i agree with the other posters too, just be gentle with yourself. take your time. if you don't feel up to it today, that's ok. it's ok to be who you are and where you are in your journey. hugs and love :)

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  6. I never had this problem.. but I know others who do. Go to flylady.com I even used it ..not for clutter.. but to set my own cleaning schedule the other year... it was fun. I don't use it anymore. I automatically just clean when something needs to be clean.

    Sometimes I give myself 15 minutes to clean all before i'm allowed my first cup of coffee. And I do that a few times a day when I'm working from home for instance. 15 minutes; and the house is so tidy.

    She talks I think about throwing 20 things a way each day or week.. just get it out. :)

    either way go to flylady.com and see if you like it. It is a free site. (unless you want to purchase her cleaning tools and such ..which I did not).

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  7. Hello friends.
    All of your sweet comments have really helped me to feel so much better. You are right, I do need to be patient with myself. I wrote this and I almost didn't post it, I just have such a hard time posting about the things that get me so down.

    I took lots of this good advice you have given me here. I LOVE Flylady, I think I am going to get so much out of it. Thanks for telling me about it.

    I feel so special just because you all took the time to comment and send support.

    xoxo
    Vicki

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  8. Hi Vicki,

    It is a good thing that you are starting to talk about this. I don't feel as shameful as others who I have met who are dealing with this as well, but under the surface I do as well and think that I should have cared more in the past and didn't. I really think that there is some kind of correlation with this issue for being a survivor of childhood abuses, but really I have not heard or read a lot about this.

    Well I know how hard it is to talk about this stuff and to work on it, so I know as well that you are very brave. Good and healing thoughts to you.

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  9. Hi, Vicki. I never used to have much clutter because I have the opposite problem and just want EVERYTHING gone and don't like to have to save anything. But now I am having to deal with my inner problems and it zaps my energy and I have four kids and my husband is a pack rat and very disorganized. Things are different now and sometimes it upsets me so much that I don't know what to do. I know how it feels to just want it all gone. I don't feel comforted in a mess, either, but I don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm out-numbered and out of energy to pick up after them and always be running around sorting things out and throwing away junk. To make my husband pay attention to his habits, I have to throw the BIGGEST fit. And then he will re-arrange a few piles and be on his best behavior for a few days and then he goes right back to how he was and nothing really changes. It makes me so tired inside.

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