Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Chosing to Believe Me

Spending time with my family, the one I grew up in, takes tremendous amounts of courage and energy.  Last week was filled with preparations for and the wedding of my darling niece.  I wanted to be with her at this special time so I chose to be there.  Making the conscious choice to go, rather than going because "I SHOULD" is monumental for me.

I am not sure I remember when I quit caring whether others believe me or did not believe me.
Frankly, and it is one of my wishes in life to be frank about what I think, I still end up with days or weeks or hours or even minutes where I still care whether or not "They" believe me. I have come to accept this as an unavoidable part of my process.

Is it because of my old rules, like the one which says what every one else thinks, especially about me, is important even more important than what I think?
Is it because I just have to spend time in that place, the one where fear takes over and I am not sure I can trust myself?

I believe the greatest gift my long time therapist his name is Dr. H, has given me has been to teach me that I CAN Trust Myself. So most of the time and now at this point after all the struggle and time I have spent walking through the fire on my journey to healing, it is true that most of the time I don't care at all if anyone else believes me. I know for a certainty that I believe me, I know Dr. H believes me, I know Jared believes me, and I know that God believes me.

I would have to say this shift in my trust for myself began happening right around the time my grandmother died in February of 2008. She was always my very best friend as a child. Her name is Ethel which if you ask me means love, tenderness, and safety. She was my safe place, the one and only safe place I had a child, the sinking feeling in my gut confirms this as I write the truth even today. I am thankful to God that He gave me one safe refuge. I wish every abused child could have at least that much, I wish that with all of my heart. 

6 comments:

  1. I had a grandma who was a safe refuge for me, too. It's hard to lose someone like that. I'm sorry for your loss.

    One of my favorite Al-Anonisms is "What other people think of me (or whether they believe me) is none of my business."

    Hugs.

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  2. Oh so usually we do what is expected from us rather than what we really believe we want or need to do. I still find it hard to believe me. But, as you've put it, it's more a matter of CHOICE

    great post
    Thank you
    ;)

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  3. Hi Vicki,

    I know that struggle, I do think it is a very strong desire in the hearts of daughters to be loved and accepted and believed. I know how much it hurts. I know how hard it is to be around family and to still want them. It took a lot of courage for you to do so. You have come a long way and done a lot of healing. I'm glad that you have had a good therapist.

    I love you. I accept you. I believe you. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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  4. The most important thing to is believe and trust in yourself. I believe you. I am glad that you have chosen to believe yourself and that you had such a grandma. Take care! *hugs* <3

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  6. I also struggle with my family. I often choose to avoid them. I'm glad you were able to be there for your niece. My favorite person was also my grandmother. I love being a grandma as well.

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