Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Listening to ME

When reality confronts our notion of what reality SHOULD be, reality always wins. We don't like this (that is, we have trouble ACCEPTING this), so we either struggle with reality and become upset, or turn away from it and become unconscious. If you find yourself upset or unconscious - or alternating between the two - about something, you might ask yourself, 'What am I not accepting about this?
JOHN-ROGER
Today I tried so hard to tell the truth in therapy.  We talked a whole bunch about the truth.  We talked about how I get to the point where I either need to let it out by telling or writing or I feel like I have to quit therapy.  Dr H. wanted to know why, it was just so clear, I said because I am being dishonest, with him, with myself, with God.  He wanted to know what I am afraid of, did I think it would be a bigger thing than it already is inside of me if I say it out loud?  I know from experience that it won't grow, that in fact getting it out will lessen the burden.

I gave some writings to Jared to read last week trying to quit carrying the secret.  We have not talked much about them.  I do feel better though.  I tried with great anguish to explain to Dr. H. why I don't want to talk to him about these things.  I told him that it was just so much easier to think about the abuse being my dad.  It is just all so much more revolting when I think of talking about my mother as the abuser.  He, the Dr., didn't push.  I know that he understands.
It was never easy all those years ago to talk about my dad as the abuser.  It will not grow, the burden will be shared, I will find healing.  I must find a way to open my mouth and SPEAK.

I told the Dr. I was so angry for all of the years I spent not believing myself.  I felt I had wasted precious time.  He said hard work is never wasted time.  Thanks Dr. H.  I needed that.
I may have felt crazy, I may have not believed myself, I may have gone around and around in circles about the memories that decided to begin showing up at age 30, BUT I did keep my children safe from the family once I knew.  I was responsible for the knowledge I was given, I have to take pride in that.

I have to believe in myself that I can continue to be responsible for what I have been given.  I am brave, I do have words.  Words that a small little vicki did not have.  I am responsible to tell for HER.

12 comments:

  1. sometimes accepting is the hardest thing to do.

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  2. I know exactly what you mean when you say how much more revolting it is associating the abuse with your mother....I am having a hard time with this lately too, and I think it is because we "you and I" take our role as mothers so seriously that it is physically painful to even think of being in our own mothers positions, and having our children think about us the way we think of our mothers. Last weekend while driving up north with the boys in the van listening to primary music I came to the conclusion that I need to let it go, that I need to from this point on, be the daughter to my mom that I want my daughters to be to me, and put the responsibility of change on her shoulders. I can't change her, but I can change ME, and if I am doing my best to be the best daughter I can be, then there will be nothing hanging over my head. Sure, it might be lonely and one sided, but at least in the end I can say I tried to do my part. The neglect I still feel is worse than the abuse I experienced from my brother, because I can not fathom ever wanting to do that to one of my children. Had I never become a mother and experienced this bond I have with my children, I am not sure that it (the neglect) would have had such a profound impact on my life.

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  3. Nothing ever worth having comes easy. This including peace. I hope you can find peace in the fact that you were very honest with your counselor AND yourself.

    All the years you weren't listening to yourself...there could have been a good reason why.. You might not have been ready. But it seems from what you write that you're becoming stronger and more capable of processing your past out and with time taking back the power it may have taking from you and your spirit.

    Be strong my friend and know that you are thought and cared about.

    XXXXX

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  4. Dear Vicki,

    I am seeing so much courage and bravery here. Huge stuff. I am always in awe of you dear friend, but this post really knocked me over. Thinking of you and sending you our love.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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  5. I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.

    God Bless You ~Ron

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  6. I am sorry to read of your loss Fathers are one of lifes greatest blessings if they live up to their potential for nobility. Thank you for your comment on my blog. I very much enjoy Alysons writing and courage so I am delighted someone would find me there. I have another blog that I use more often which you can find through my profile. You are welcome to visit it anytime and I will visit you again as well. I am sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you.

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  7. Nothing what happened to us in our childhood is our fault. As adults however it is our responsibility (SIGH). I know how hard this acceptance is. Yes we own our Little One's to tell the truth. To stand up for our Little Angels. If your mother was the abuser - I can realte. I did find it extremely necessary for my own recovery to say that it was my mother. Because the mother, the innate trust coming with it, the innate trust in the figure mother is destroyed and this trust is a different one then the one you have to your Dad. It is one moment after a life long struggle. One moment in time, no more. I managed and I am terribly grateful. My lst two posts Medusa and the other one: To be or HOW to be relate to this moment. I am not shameful anymore, not hunted and the nightmares are gone. I am thinking of you.

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  8. Thought I'd check in and see how things were going. How are you, things, life?

    Just wanted to let you know that you're being thought about.
    Hope life is treating you kindly

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  9. i know facing truths in life and therapy is hard but the journey is worth it hang in there

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  10. How are you Mrs. Vicki? Just wanted you to know that you were being thought about.

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  11. My T helped me to talk about it by saying, "If you were [little Vickie], what would you say for her?" I really hope you get there and are able to discuss what you think is necessary to discuss.

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