Friday, August 20, 2010

Struggling

I am so very tired.
I feel so much pain and loss.
Jared's Dad has moved on and is in so much a better place.  I know that he is so happy to be free of his mortal body which has brought him excruciating physical pain for so many years.
He has endured it with grace.
For me, my father in laws passing has brought up so many feelings of pain and loss about my own father.  The pain of never having resolved my issues of abuse with him before he passed.
The pain, 
the excruciating pain of his ability to look me straight in the eye and tell me he would not discuss my pain with me.  He would not even take the time to listen to what I had to say.

Why did I ask?
Why didn't I just have the courage to "lay it on him" to let him know what I was thinking and feeling?
 Unanswerable questions.
Pain and What-ifs to process.

I feel the depression crowding in I feel the tears near the surface and springing forth at unexpected times. 

I am grateful for a place to express my pain and very grateful for experience with depression to know that I can make it through this.


15 comments:

  1. Vicki,Hugs my friend.I am glad the I did manange to tear down the wall between my Dad and I before he passed away in 1984,my and his relationship improved.There was never a issue of physical abuse beteen him and I but he could be verry verbally abusive.

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  2. Vicki, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe through these blogs we can learn from one another. Hugs

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  3. Dear Vicki,

    We are thinking of you and sending you our love. You are a wonderful person and we know that, for sure. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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  4. I truly understand. I know that pain and I'm so, so sorry you're going through this right now. I'm very impressed that you thought to be grateful for already having been through to depression. Not many, including me, think to be thankful for that and that it gives us the knowledge that there is an end and we will make it through. Thank you for sharing that knowledge! You are such an awesome and loving woman! I wish you a speedy journey through your pain to where you can find peace. You are loved! xx

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  5. {{{{Vicki}}}} Reading and thinking about you.

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  6. Write it all OUT... and read it outloud to him now. RElease it (hugs).

    I love your comment on my blog.. that would be a nice day.

    I read the Eat Pray Love.. I actually did not like it.. but I bet Roberts would have brought it to nicer level. I thought the book was a bit POUTY and Indulgent.. well, I had the audio book.. it sounded whiney. (hugs to her).

    I hate sounding judgmental.

    I heard The Shack too. that was sweet.. !!

    basically relistening to E. Tolle books.

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  7. Hi Vicki,
    Thank you for your nice comment and yes we are going to 8/28. We will be heading down on motorcycle on 8/27 spending the night and hopefully getting to the memorial early enough to get very close. We belong to a motorcycle club called the sons of liberty and our motto is constitutional pit bulls. I believe there will be 10,000 from our group. The creeps will not let us ride into town as a group on the motorcycles and that was disappointing but we will be riding in on 9/12..I am so excited I could scream I have never done anything like this before..I will post photos I was given a new camera as a gift..If you see a girl with red hair and a black t'shirt waving it is me waving to you!
    I am so sorry about your father in law..we have just lost my mother and father in law last year and as far as the abuse and depression; I've been there and I will pray for you. Keep your head in the light..God Bless you, Doreen

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  8. It's not too late, Vicki. Now your father is not weighed down by the earthly things that made him behave as he did. It's very sad that he was never able to get past his issues because it is a kind of half-life for those who never see.

    Right now, you can connect to your "higher self" in meditation. You can connect to your "inner child", too, and find out exactly what she needs. Then you can focus all your energy on your father's higher self - this is the best of him, the person he could have been without his human issues and faults. Focus on his higher self and tell him what you needed back then.

    Then, take your inner child out to do something she would like to do. Speak from your higher self. Speaking from yours is no different than speaking from your father's higher self, really. Inside we all want the same things and we all wish we could be that perfect person, flawless and able to respond in exactly the right way.

    We can't. None of us can. Not here, not now. We have to forgive ourselves and then we can begin to forgive those who've hurt us most.

    I know you can do this, Vicki.... in your time, when you're ready.

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  9. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's so hard to deal with grief and then all the old stuff that dregs up to. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I just love your open heart and your honesty and am looking forward to keeping up with your blog.

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  10. Vicki, I know I haven't been by to visit in a long time. I haven't been reading or writing much online for awhile because of my own issues with abuse and minor health problems where energy is low.

    You have my condolences on the loss of your father-in-law. Someone asked me a few weeks ago if I was depressed and I honestly told her, "I don't know."

    Shen said it so well. You can do your forgiveness first of yourself and then with your dad even if he is no longer here in person. Sending hugs and love your way.

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  11. My heart goes out to you Vicki. I am sorry that you're having to struggle through this muck that life has conjured up. I think its great that you've been so authentic in this post though, and if I can recommend something, I know that you will never truly get to say to your dad what you wanted to before his passing, but writing, crying, sharing...all ways to create closure with that, and above all... let people love and support you when you're hurting.

    Sending you positive vibes and love

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  12. sending you all the happy and warm wishes in the world. i lost my grandmother a few weeks ago and it's been really difficult <3

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  13. Vicky I can relate. When I worked through the sexual abuse (my mother delivred me to him) I wanted to have a talk with this woman called mother. As I had cut off the contact I didnt know that she had died. I was furious. FURIOUS. I went to the graveyard and yelled at her grave. I left and felt so much better. I know that all at the graveyard understood.
    NO, you cant talk to your father anymore. Maybe you find a way to inderectyl talk to him on away suitable for you. Like I did at the grave. A co-patient at the day center wrote all down and burnt it. Turned it into a celebration of anger, grief and hope. Maybe you find a way of solace. Hugs to you

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