Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Independence

When I think about my independence from abuse, the victim child I grew up as, I have so much happiness. I grew up always on High Alert believing that everything that happened around me was about me and that somehow if I did more or did "everything" right I could make those around me happy.  

I remember the feelings, the first shock when my therapist told me "it is not about you."  Who did he think he was?  What did he think he knew about my life?

I remember when the light went on and I felt the weight of this childhood LIE lift from my life.  That was real independence.

I learned to say
It is not about me
It is not all about me
I am enough
and 
A MILLION times a day
I am enough

My independence has provided me with the freedom to trust myself.  I have over time learned the difficult lesson that Healing doesn't come overnight or even in ten years.  Healing takes patience, the patience to trust that I Am Enough.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Isaac and the Couch

This week when Isaac was over for the day there was energy pulsing in the hot AZ air.

I was working on a project and Isaac was playing sweetly somewhere near.  Has it really been that long since I had a three year old "sweetly playing near"?  


I Found THIS...
 Yep, you would be right that is my leather couch and it has silver sharpie all over it, at least on that one cushion and arm.
I didn't scream, yell, or anything like it.  I remembered to breath, I remembered that I have never taught him that we don't draw on the couch.   We wiped it clean together, (as clean as you can get silver sharpie off a leather couch).  Did you know Goof-Off can get sharpie out of leather?  (mostly).  

Yes, we had a big long talk about how we don't ever color on the couch and we never ever use sharpies without permission.


Breaking the cycles of abuse feels good.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Checking In

The sky on the first afternoon of our trip with the church youth group last week.  Unbelievably breathtaking.

The trip was great.  I made some amazing new memories and had a wonderful time with those I serve with in my church.  The teenagers were a hoot and I am so very happy that I chose to go.  

Your loving comments when I returned home mean so much to me.  Thank you for all of your prayers and confidence in me.

I will write more soon.

I read this today and couldn't wait to post it!!

“ Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.” -Albert Einstein

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Heading out of town

So, it is July now and I am again going out of town with the youth from my church.  This time we are going to a town not even ten minutes from where some of my worst abuse happened.  So needless to say I had a freak out one day this week and had to decide whether or not I really would go or back out.

Jared has been very helpful and I am feeling strong about my decision to go.  Dr H. was validating today with me about the fears I had worked through.  I am glad I had a session today before we leave.  I am praying for a calm center.  I know that I am capable of having a great time and letting this trip be about the kids and spending time with them.  I also know that if any processing needs to be done for myself that I can slip away, write and pray, then get back to the fun.

I can do this and I am prepared for this.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Our Fourth of July

On Saturday we went downtown to Main Street for our festivities.

We played games, enjoyed each other, ate treats, and of course
watched fireworks!

Here are Isaac and Naomi.  They are pretty much the only ones who have the patience for all of my picture taking.  I commit to ignoring more Mom picture taking protests!
 
I commit to taking more shots without intruding, so that I can get some pictures without purposely goofy looks.
 
I commit to ignoring all the testosterone loaded protests, 
I could just kick myself 16 times for not taking several of these.
Blurry is not good. 

Old cars are the bomb!

Isaac and Christian don't mind posing for me.

My soldiers, (Naomi took this picture.)

Bonus shot:
I really liked this rental power sign.  These generators were everywhere.
Yeah for MESA!
That was a Party.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Sunday Devotional: Our Stories

Our Stories, make us who we are.  The real, beautiful, flawed, ever changing beings of flesh and blood who live and breath and thrive for one more day.

I think one of the reasons blog friends can be so real is our ability to be open and honest with our stories.  We feel less alone, stronger, sometimes if we allow it... even loved.


Emma Lou Thayne, author and poet shares her feelings about our stories.
"...our stories are what make the difference,
and if we can tell them honestly
we can hope to help each other.
In the end, we have nothing to offer
each other but our stories. "

I love my blog for the reason of having a place to share my story, my struggle, and my heart.  Sometimes I think I love it even more because I love sharing in others' stories.  I take great courage in every story I read here in blog land.  There are so many HEROS  out there.  

We can make it through, one day, one hour, one story at a time.
I know the struggle is worth it, I know it with every part of who I AM!