Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Listening to ME

When reality confronts our notion of what reality SHOULD be, reality always wins. We don't like this (that is, we have trouble ACCEPTING this), so we either struggle with reality and become upset, or turn away from it and become unconscious. If you find yourself upset or unconscious - or alternating between the two - about something, you might ask yourself, 'What am I not accepting about this?
JOHN-ROGER
Today I tried so hard to tell the truth in therapy.  We talked a whole bunch about the truth.  We talked about how I get to the point where I either need to let it out by telling or writing or I feel like I have to quit therapy.  Dr H. wanted to know why, it was just so clear, I said because I am being dishonest, with him, with myself, with God.  He wanted to know what I am afraid of, did I think it would be a bigger thing than it already is inside of me if I say it out loud?  I know from experience that it won't grow, that in fact getting it out will lessen the burden.

I gave some writings to Jared to read last week trying to quit carrying the secret.  We have not talked much about them.  I do feel better though.  I tried with great anguish to explain to Dr. H. why I don't want to talk to him about these things.  I told him that it was just so much easier to think about the abuse being my dad.  It is just all so much more revolting when I think of talking about my mother as the abuser.  He, the Dr., didn't push.  I know that he understands.
It was never easy all those years ago to talk about my dad as the abuser.  It will not grow, the burden will be shared, I will find healing.  I must find a way to open my mouth and SPEAK.

I told the Dr. I was so angry for all of the years I spent not believing myself.  I felt I had wasted precious time.  He said hard work is never wasted time.  Thanks Dr. H.  I needed that.
I may have felt crazy, I may have not believed myself, I may have gone around and around in circles about the memories that decided to begin showing up at age 30, BUT I did keep my children safe from the family once I knew.  I was responsible for the knowledge I was given, I have to take pride in that.

I have to believe in myself that I can continue to be responsible for what I have been given.  I am brave, I do have words.  Words that a small little vicki did not have.  I am responsible to tell for HER.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Struggling

I am so very tired.
I feel so much pain and loss.
Jared's Dad has moved on and is in so much a better place.  I know that he is so happy to be free of his mortal body which has brought him excruciating physical pain for so many years.
He has endured it with grace.
For me, my father in laws passing has brought up so many feelings of pain and loss about my own father.  The pain of never having resolved my issues of abuse with him before he passed.
The pain, 
the excruciating pain of his ability to look me straight in the eye and tell me he would not discuss my pain with me.  He would not even take the time to listen to what I had to say.

Why did I ask?
Why didn't I just have the courage to "lay it on him" to let him know what I was thinking and feeling?
 Unanswerable questions.
Pain and What-ifs to process.

I feel the depression crowding in I feel the tears near the surface and springing forth at unexpected times. 

I am grateful for a place to express my pain and very grateful for experience with depression to know that I can make it through this.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Goodbye Dad Johnson

This summer has not been what I expected.
Life turns out often to be not what we expect.
I try to live with grace in what is.
 
Yesterday our family buried Jared's Dad.  He was a fine man.  
He loved me as his own.
My heart is full.
I will write more soon.