Today I tried so hard to tell the truth in therapy. We talked a whole bunch about the truth. We talked about how I get to the point where I either need to let it out by telling or writing or I feel like I have to quit therapy. Dr H. wanted to know why, it was just so clear, I said because I am being dishonest, with him, with myself, with God. He wanted to know what I am afraid of, did I think it would be a bigger thing than it already is inside of me if I say it out loud? I know from experience that it won't grow, that in fact getting it out will lessen the burden.
I gave some writings to Jared to read last week trying to quit carrying the secret. We have not talked much about them. I do feel better though. I tried with great anguish to explain to Dr. H. why I don't want to talk to him about these things. I told him that it was just so much easier to think about the abuse being my dad. It is just all so much more revolting when I think of talking about my mother as the abuser. He, the Dr., didn't push. I know that he understands.
It was never easy all those years ago to talk about my dad as the abuser. It will not grow, the burden will be shared, I will find healing. I must find a way to open my mouth and SPEAK.
I told the Dr. I was so angry for all of the years I spent not believing myself. I felt I had wasted precious time. He said hard work is never wasted time. Thanks Dr. H. I needed that.
I may have felt crazy, I may have not believed myself, I may have gone around and around in circles about the memories that decided to begin showing up at age 30, BUT I did keep my children safe from the family once I knew. I was responsible for the knowledge I was given, I have to take pride in that.
I have to believe in myself that I can continue to be responsible for what I have been given. I am brave, I do have words. Words that a small little vicki did not have. I am responsible to tell for HER.