Monday, June 27, 2011

The things I have

What would happen if I just started typing out what is in my head?

That seams scary to me.

  I feel frustrated with my inability to be honest, to let out what is inside.

I have everything I need.

I have a safe place to process.
I have a husband who is patient, kind, supportive, helpful, and completely undemanding of me right now.
My room is clean and made into a refuge a sanctuary even thanks to said husband.
I have teenage children who are wonderfully busy with their own lives, productive, helpful, and kind (for the most part.)
I have grown children who are self-sufficient and amazingly productive and in no way demanding of me.
I have the most delightful grandson who lights up my life.

I have tools to help me find myself.
  • I can write
  • I can read
  • I can listen to music
  • I can meditate
  • I can pray
  • I can visit my blog friends
  • I can take pictures
  • I can create on polyvore
  • I can play the piano
  • I can create with paper
  • I can spend time with my family
  • I can take a nap whenever I want

I find myself full of guilt for having everything I need.  That is it.. GUILTY!  I feel guilty and it is crappy.  I don't want this guilt, it can go take a hike into oblivion.  YES, I am BLESSED beyond measure to have everything I need to flourish and heal and thrive.  I will not accept guilt into this picture of my life.

I don't have time for guilt.

I have work to do.

I have growing to do.

I have pain inside that needs to be acknowledged and accepted.

As long as I let that guilt rule me then I keep stuffing down the pain and avoiding the work and I don't grow.

I can quit editing.
I can be honest.


  1. I love that you said you can quit editing.

    Throw that guilt away and bask in your blessings. You deserve it!

  2. Yeah! stop editing! Your blessings only count if you take advantage of them. (My own personal opinion). I think maybe you aren't as needed as you used to be and feeling a bit empty and discarded. Don't feel that way. The kids will come back as they need you, because they will always need you - your work with them isn't finished. I hope you find a spot in your wonderful safe place that you can plop your backside down and do what ever makes you happy. I'm just sayin... Thinking of you!

  3. Hi Vicki,

    There are a lot of ways of telling. You might not be able to write, but you tell, in your polyvore sets, in your actions and your emotions and in your life.

    I couldn't write on paper for a long time. Finally I figured out I could type. Could you perhaps try to speak into a tape recorder and then transcribe from there? Sometimes something that short circuits the act of writing can help. Just a thought.

    I understand you feeling guilty. That is the abuser and abuse talking and they are lying. The truth is you deserve all the good things in your life.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  4. I find it helps me to write as I can handle it. What we went through is tough stuff. For me, I need to handle it in small doses.

    I am glad you have everything you need. You deserve to have everything you need because you are a warrior daughter of your Father in Heaven. That is what I tell myself. It reminds me to be grateful instead of feeling guilty for feeling like I have it all now.

  5. I understand the "guilt" feeling. When it becomes too overwhelming for me, I do a service for someone else. It helps me to appreciate and be grateful for what I have, instead of feeling guilty. Thank you for sharing this :)


  6. I really like what Kate said. I think we feel that "processing" and accepting life has to be done through words. Yes, words can get to the point quick, but there are other ways of sharing your story or struggles. You can do it through your many expressions of art and then share it with those you feel safe with. You can create music to express it, your art can be your words. And with time words might surface before the guilt does.Until that time be have patience with yourself, know that you have women across the US and possibly the world that read your blog and care about you and your happiness and probably share many of your life experiences in common with you. When you are able too... let us support you...give you that little bit of extra umph to get over that mountain.
    Be well my friend and know that you are cared about.

  7. Vicki, thank you for an encouraging post. Blessings.

  8. I think guilt is a lot like shame. It festers and wraps itself around other things in life that it has no connection to originally.

    It sounds like you have a wonderful family and support system around you. Your daughter is beautiful and looks like she had a wonderful time being a summer actress!

  9. Don't let guilt drown you, ever. Take time for some fresh air with your loved ones and exhale all the guilt so the wind may carry it away.
    I've enjoyed peeking at your blog. Light and blessings to you :)

  10. Interesting how we let our guilt for blessings overshadow our sorrows and healing needs. I wish that it wasn't so tit for tat. The blessings are wonderful
    But they do not replace pain and sorrows. Those are still real and still need attention. You are amazing and I have missed reading you. I am back again. Trying to heal. Another step forward. Merry Christmas season friend. God bless you and yours. Love, mile 191

  11. Vicki!

    I miss seeing you on my blog, and the wonderful comments you always leave. I do hope you haven't quit blogging.

    Well, just stopping by to say hello to an old friend. Hope life is treating you well,