Here In My World

Summer Fun

2011-07-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July!

Saturday night we were at the Mesa Arts Center in downtown where we attended the closing performance of Actor's Youth Theater's production of Les Miserables School Edition. Mollie had the experience of her young life spending her summer with this amazing dedicated group of people learning and growing.


Brandon (Javert), Nicholas, Mollie, Brett (Marius), and Dale (Gavroche)


Mollie, Hannah (Mme Thenardier)

These kids were all really and truly amazing. What an experience to have been a part of this show at such a young age.

We are so PROUD of you Mollie!

The show finished just in time for the downtown Mesa 2nd annual 4th of July celebration fireworks show. The fireworks were launched right off of the Theater and parking structure where we were so we (the entire theater full) of people were able to walk out and stand right under them for the show. I don't know if our camera phone photos will be able to give any perspective to how close we were to these fireworks. Let me just say WOW!! The mortar casings were landing all around us and on us, it was amazing.

Tonight we will get together with all of our kids and go out to the desert (if I get my way) to launch our own fireworks. Jared and the boys did the launching in our backyard on New Year's and I was a downer because no matter how much fun we were having I was frightened about doing it in the neighborhood. I am most excited to enjoy the sparklers with Isaac. Sparklers have always been my favorite.

The things I have

2011-06-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

What would happen if I just started typing out what is in my head?

That seams scary to me.

I feel frustrated with my inability to be honest, to let out what is inside.

I have everything I need.

I have a safe place to process.
I have a husband who is patient, kind, supportive, helpful, and completely undemanding of me right now.
My room is clean and made into a refuge a sanctuary even thanks to said husband.
I have teenage children who are wonderfully busy with their own lives, productive, helpful, and kind (for the most part.)
I have grown children who are self-sufficient and amazingly productive and in no way demanding of me.
I have the most delightful grandson who lights up my life.

I have tools to help me find myself.

I can write
I can read
I can listen to music
I can meditate
I can pray
I can visit my blog friends
I can take pictures
I can create on polyvore
I can play the piano
I can create with paper
I can spend time with my family
I can take a nap whenever I want

I find myself full of guilt for having everything I need. That is it.. GUILTY! I feel guilty and it is crappy. I don't want this guilt, it can go take a hike into oblivion. YES, I am BLESSED beyond measure to have everything I need to flourish and heal and thrive. I will not accept guilt into this picture of my life.

I don't have time for guilt.

I have work to do.

I have growing to do.

I have pain inside that needs to be acknowledged and accepted.

As long as I let that guilt rule me then I keep stuffing down the pain and avoiding the work and I don't grow.

I can quit editing.

I can be honest.

Worthy

2011-06-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

Just a Reminder...

Yes YOU are.

xoxo

Enough

2011-06-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

You are enough.

Melody Ross

I have been away for a few days. Away from the pressures and obligations of my everyday life. Secluded, quiet, and alone trying to find answers. Mostly finding questions, lots and lots of questions. I have filled my heart with hope that if I will ask the questions then when the time is right I will be led to the answers. So I have asked the questions I have written them down and asked God if he will give me the answers when I am ready.

And as ALWAYS I am reminded yet again that...

I am enough

There is enough

It is enough

enough

Sunday Devotional

2011-06-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

When life is hard

Things seem very difficult

I struggle to find the positive...

Well, there are stories of courage I turn to

Stories that remind me that

One step at a time is good enough

and

I AM Enough.

I heard this last Sunday and I absolutely believe it,

"You are loved because you are Precious,

not for anything you have done."

Here is Stephanie Nielson's courageous story

which Always reminds me to keep on keeping on.

This week when I was flat in bed I listened to a conversation

with Stephanie which was on the radio. It is more in depth and lets you get to know her better. Here is the link to this.

http://radio.lds.org/programs/conversations-episode-26?lang=eng

Have a wonderful Sabbath day my friends.

You are loved because you are Precious.

Trying

2011-06-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have been spending time trying to understand just why I went away from this place I love and so many blog friends I had grown to care about so much. I still don't have the answer but what I do know is that I want to be here writing and reading and caring. I really do. I have never forgotten how good it feels to have people who understand you supporting you and how good it feels to give that support back. So here I am back home.

"I am the black sheep of the family, which is pure irony since I was the victim. However, I know my situation is not a rarity. We victims of family sexual abuse represent what everyone else wants to forget. We are an unpleasant reminder of the ugly family secret, particularly if we refuse to go along with the pretense of the perfect family.

People only see what they are prepared to see, and I don't want to be part of a family who aren't prepared to see and talk about the truth of my story."
Alyson at ...leave a trail

The Season is Changing

2010-10-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

I live where it is hot.

I try hard to not complain constantly about the heat, although I am sure that Jared would raise an eyebrow at that statement, hey that is the price he pays for being married to all of this wonderfulness.

But I am here to tell you the devil himself lives here during the summer months. There are months when it is still over 100 degrees after Midnight!

October is now well underway and temperatures are in the high 90s during the day and are going to keep dropping. The evenings are glorious and there is a new freshness in the air.

This is the time of year when I come to life.

I have found blogging as well as many other favorite things that I do to be more than I am capable of for the last month or so.

I have found my old companion depression near.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CHECKING ON ME AND CARING ABOUT ME.

YOU ARE ALL DEAR TO ME.

I have done what I usually do when I get this way,

I pull in and do the essential activities.

I am so blessed to have my family.

Taking care of them keeps me going and on the same hand they are all self sufficient enough to care for each other and themselves when I have nothing to give.

I am coming back to life with the changing of the season.

I am also going to be more real about my depression

which for me includes trying to learn what it

wants to teach me.

Welcome October.

Listening to ME

2010-08-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

When reality confronts our notion of what reality SHOULD be, reality always wins. We don't like this (that is, we have trouble ACCEPTING this), so we either struggle with reality and become upset, or turn away from it and become unconscious. If you find yourself upset or unconscious - or alternating between the two - about something, you might ask yourself, 'What am I not accepting about this?

JOHN-ROGER

Today I tried so hard to tell the truth in therapy. We talked a whole bunch about the truth. We talked about how I get to the point where I either need to let it out by telling or writing or I feel like I have to quit therapy. Dr H. wanted to know why, it was just so clear, I said because I am being dishonest, with him, with myself, with God. He wanted to know what I am afraid of, did I think it would be a bigger thing than it already is inside of me if I say it out loud? I know from experience that it won't grow, that in fact getting it out will lessen the burden.

I gave some writings to Jared to read last week trying to quit carrying the secret. We have not talked much about them. I do feel better though. I tried with great anguish to explain to Dr. H. why I don't want to talk to him about these things. I told him that it was just so much easier to think about the abuse being my dad. It is just all so much more revolting when I think of talking about my mother as the abuser. He, the Dr., didn't push. I know that he understands.

It was never easy all those years ago to talk about my dad as the abuser. It will not grow, the burden will be shared, I will find healing. I must find a way to open my mouth and SPEAK.

I told the Dr. I was so angry for all of the years I spent not believing myself. I felt I had wasted precious time. He said hard work is never wasted time. Thanks Dr. H. I needed that.

I may have felt crazy, I may have not believed myself, I may have gone around and around in circles about the memories that decided to begin showing up at age 30, BUT I did keep my children safe from the family once I knew. I was responsible for the knowledge I was given, I have to take pride in that.

I have to believe in myself that I can continue to be responsible for what I have been given. I am brave, I do have words. Words that a small little vicki did not have. I am responsible to tell for HER.

Struggling

2010-08-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

I am so very tired.

I feel so much pain and loss.

Jared's Dad has moved on and is in so much a better place. I know that he is so happy to be free of his mortal body which has brought him excruciating physical pain for so many years.

He has endured it with grace.

For me, my father in laws passing has brought up so many feelings of pain and loss about my own father. The pain of never having resolved my issues of abuse with him before he passed.

The pain,

the excruciating pain of his ability to look me straight in the eye and tell me he would not discuss my pain with me. He would not even take the time to listen to what I had to say.

Why did I ask?

Why didn't I just have the courage to "lay it on him" to let him know what I was thinking and feeling?

Unanswerable questions.

Pain and What-ifs to process.

I feel the depression crowding in I feel the tears near the surface and springing forth at unexpected times.

I am grateful for a place to express my pain and very grateful for experience with depression to know that I can make it through this.

Goodbye Dad Johnson

2010-08-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

This summer has not been what I expected.

Life turns out often to be not what we expect.

I try to live with grace in what is.

Yesterday our family buried Jared's Dad. He was a fine man.

He loved me as his own.

My heart is full.

I will write more soon.

♥

Independence

2010-07-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

When I think about my independence from abuse, the victim child I grew up as, I have so much happiness. I grew up always on High Alert believing that everything that happened around me was about me and that somehow if I did more or did "everything" right I could make those around me happy.

I remember the feelings, the first shock when my therapist told me "it is not about you." Who did he think he was? What did he think he knew about my life?

I remember when the light went on and I felt the weight of this childhood LIE lift from my life. That was real independence.

I learned to say

It is not about me

It is not all about me

I am enough

and

A MILLION times a day

I am enough

My independence has provided me with the freedom to trust myself. I have over time learned the difficult lesson that Healing doesn't come overnight or even in ten years. Healing takes patience, the patience to trust that I Am Enough.

Isaac and the Couch

2010-07-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

This week when Isaac was over for the day there was energy pulsing in the hot AZ air.

I was working on a project and Isaac was playing sweetly somewhere near. Has it really been that long since I had a three year old "sweetly playing near"?

I Found THIS...

Yep, you would be right that is my leather couch and it has silver sharpie all over it, at least on that one cushion and arm.
I didn't scream, yell, or anything like it. I remembered to breath, I remembered that I have never taught him that we don't draw on the couch. We wiped it clean together, (as clean as you can get silver sharpie off a leather couch). Did you know Goof-Off can get sharpie out of leather? (mostly).

Yes, we had a big long talk about how we don't ever color on the couch and we never ever use sharpies without permission.

Breaking the cycles of abuse feels good.

Checking In

2010-07-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

The sky on the first afternoon of our trip with the church youth group last week. Unbelievably breathtaking.

The trip was great. I made some amazing new memories and had a wonderful time with those I serve with in my church. The teenagers were a hoot and I am so very happy that I chose to go.

Your loving comments when I returned home mean so much to me. Thank you for all of your prayers and confidence in me.

I will write more soon.

I read this today and couldn't wait to post it!!

“ Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.” -Albert Einstein

Heading out of town

2010-07-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, it is July now and I am again going out of town with the youth from my church. This time we are going to a town not even ten minutes from where some of my worst abuse happened. So needless to say I had a freak out one day this week and had to decide whether or not I really would go or back out.

Jared has been very helpful and I am feeling strong about my decision to go. Dr H. was validating today with me about the fears I had worked through. I am glad I had a session today before we leave. I am praying for a calm center. I know that I am capable of having a great time and letting this trip be about the kids and spending time with them. I also know that if any processing needs to be done for myself that I can slip away, write and pray, then get back to the fun.

I can do this and I am prepared for this.

Our Fourth of July

2010-07-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

On Saturday we went downtown to Main Street for our festivities.

We played games, enjoyed each other, ate treats, and of course

watched fireworks!

Here are Isaac and Naomi. They are pretty much the only ones who have the patience for all of my picture taking. I commit to ignoring more Mom picture taking protests!

I commit to taking more shots without intruding, so that I can get some pictures without purposely goofy looks.

I commit to ignoring all the testosterone loaded protests,

I could just kick myself 16 times for not taking several of these.

Blurry is not good.

Old cars are the bomb!

Isaac and Christian don't mind posing for me.

My soldiers, (Naomi took this picture.)

Bonus shot:

I really liked this rental power sign. These generators were everywhere.

Yeah for MESA!

That was a Party.

♥

Sunday Devotional: Our Stories

2010-07-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Our Stories, make us who we are. The real, beautiful, flawed, ever changing beings of flesh and blood who live and breath and thrive for one more day.

I think one of the reasons blog friends can be so real is our ability to be open and honest with our stories. We feel less alone, stronger, sometimes if we allow it... even loved.

Emma Lou Thayne, author and poet shares her feelings about our stories.

"...our stories are what make the difference,

and if we can tell them honestly

we can hope to help each other.

In the end, we have nothing to offer

each other but our stories. "

A Heart Like His.. Virginia H. Pearce

I love my blog for the reason of having a place to share my story, my struggle, and my heart. Sometimes I think I love it even more because I love sharing in others' stories. I take great courage in every story I read here in blog land. There are so many HEROS out there.

We can make it through, one day, one hour, one story at a time.

I know the struggle is worth it, I know it with every part of who I AM!

♥

Isaac's Birthday

2010-06-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday

Isaac

The beginning of June is one of the greatest celebrations of our family, I love being Isaac's grandma, my name is Goga. I have been Goga for one year now, Isaac began truly speaking at the age of two and he named me Goga. I hope the name is here to stay. I just LOVE it.

Isaac wanted a Star Wars cake because that is what his cousin

Tyler had the month before on his birthday.

He loved his cake!

What 3 years old looks like.

Hanging out with his new friend, cousin Jordan from Utah.

This week was the first time they had ever met.

Our adventure to the Butterfly Pavilion at

The Desert Botanical Garden.

Hugging and Grinning, two of our favorite things to do.

Who wouldn't want to be tickled by this Monster.

2009

Fresh from Heaven.

Isaac, You are Loved!

♥

Chosing to Believe Me

2010-06-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

Spending time with my family, the one I grew up in, takes tremendous amounts of courage and energy. Last week was filled with preparations for and the wedding of my darling niece. I wanted to be with her at this special time so I chose to be there. Making the conscious choice to go, rather than going because "I SHOULD" is monumental for me.

I am not sure I remember when I quit caring whether others believe me or did not believe me.
Frankly, and it is one of my wishes in life to be frank about what I think, I still end up with days or weeks or hours or even minutes where I still care whether or not "They" believe me. I have come to accept this as an unavoidable part of my process.

Is it because of my old rules, like the one which says what every one else thinks, especially about me, is important even more important than what I think?
Is it because I just have to spend time in that place, the one where fear takes over and I am not sure I can trust myself?

I believe the greatest gift my long time therapist his name is Dr. H, has given me has been to teach me that I CAN Trust Myself. So most of the time and now at this point after all the struggle and time I have spent walking through the fire on my journey to healing, it is true that most of the time I don't care at all if anyone else believes me. I know for a certainty that I believe me, I know Dr. H believes me, I know Jared believes me, and I know that God believes me.

I would have to say this shift in my trust for myself began happening right around the time my grandmother died in February of 2008. She was always my very best friend as a child. Her name is Ethel which if you ask me means love, tenderness, and safety. She was my safe place, the one and only safe place I had a child, the sinking feeling in my gut confirms this as I write the truth even today. I am thankful to God that He gave me one safe refuge. I wish every abused child could have at least that much, I wish that with all of my heart.

Sunday Devotional

2010-06-06T03:16:00.000-07:00

This is Stephanie Nielson.

She is amazing!

She is a Hero.

This is her testimony, one of Love, one of incredible Faith, one of knowing that we are all Children of a Heavenly Father who LOVES us.

PS If you want to see the full screen just click right on the video, that will take you there. Believe me, her story is so worth it.

HERE is her blog.

Today I add my testimony to hers. I know we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us, no matter what. We have a brother, he is our Savior, our advocate with The Father, He is Jesus Christ.

I can't believe I have been away from my blog for sooooo long, it is so neglected. I miss you all!! I send you my ♥.

I am going to girls camp with the teenage girls I work with at church. SO Fun!! YaHoo. I will catch you all at the end of the week.

PS, The sweetest Grandson ever turned 3 this past week.

Here is a sneak peek at the birthday fun.

That's his new "trash truck" and his famous "cheese" grin!!

Random Randomness and then Some Tunes

2010-05-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

I am wanting to write so I am just going to start and see where this goes.

Here are some things about my life.

This is what Sunday looks like at my house.

Isaac licking the mixing bowl. Check out the magnifying glass he has there while he eats his waffle. ♥

Today was the last day of SCHOOL for the year. Yeah for summer! Yeah for Mollie and Christian.

My sweetheart gave me a swing for Mother's Day. I spend as much time as I can out there in my SECRET GARDEN. I even blog out there. ♥

This is my beautiful sister and my niece. They entered a look a like mom and daughter contest!

This is a common sight in my home, cats in baskets. ♥

Cow sorts the socks.

Lily naps in the mail basket.

Now here are some tunes I listen to. How to play along. Set your ipod on shuffle and record the first 10 songs, then leave a comment about your random tunes and I will come check it out. It can be fun to see what others are listening to. :)

1. Bach: Brandenberg Concerto #2 in F
2. Oveture to the musical "Secret Garden"
3. A Fine Frenzy: The Minnow & The Trout
4. Miss Saigon , London Cast Recording: Sun and Moon
5. Eva Cassidy: Songbird
6. Randy Kartchner: Peace
7. The Secret Garden, Original Broadway Cast: Wick
8. Clarinet Concerto No. In F-Minor Op. 73
9. Bach: Prelude, from Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major
10. Rob Gardner: Saints and Pioneers, We Must Sing

Living

2010-05-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

The house is quiet it will be now for about an hour, until the teenagers start coming home from school. Quiet, blissful quiet. It will stay that way unless I choose to drown out the peace with a radio or inane lifeless tv noise. I turn those electronic marvels on far too often, to keep the noise in my head from rattling around. Noises that want attention, thoughts and ideas constantly brewing under the surface of the real life.

Isaac was here for the morning and into the afternoon. Becky, my good friend and neighbor took him to the last week of storytime at the public library because I have just simply run out of gas, the Vicki tank is empty. I think the engine needs a tune up rather than just a fill up. I have been filling up on a regular basis lately, reading, studying, praying, meditating, listening to good music, writing, gardening, exercising, eating rather than skipping eating, and still I am low. It is like a low grade depression, kind of like a low grade fever.

I told Dr. H. that I have no desire to take care of anyone at all right now. That isn't particularly practical so I have cut back everywhere I can and I trust that I can find joy in the realities of what has to be done. Indeed, I am sure that the necessities keep me going so much more than I give them credit.

With that said teenage daughter is going to want to shop for a swim suit today when she gets home from school. This has never been my idea of a good time with her. Modest swim suits have been located at a lovely boutique in the mall, reasonably priced. She does not appreciate the curves she has been blessed with, but, maybe this year will be the magical revelation and she will see herself in an honest light.

I found this today and remembered how much I love these words. I even bought a book once because the author used "That's How the Light Gets In" as the title.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen, from “Anthem”

I found it here today, just what I needed.

Maybe YOU need it too.

Blessings and love.

No Excuses

2010-05-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

This post is not about excuses for such a long absence. This post is about me living my life, being in the moment, taking one thing at a time and enjoying as much of spring as I can here where I live in the desert. I have missed reading my blog friends and knowing what is going on in all of your lives, or at least the parts you write about ;).

I have done some decluttering, but mostly I have been remembering to appreciate the beauty that surrounds me right now, not just longing for a day in the future when I have accomplished future goals.

My family has kept me busy lately, I think it is good this way as long as I remember that I have needs too and take time for them. Temperatures are climbing and threatening to soar into the 100's soon here in sunny AZ, but last week we had two glorious days of lovely cooler weather and I spent as much of my time as I could when the teenagers were at school outside on my swing reading and just simply soaking up the last of our springish weather.

Have a glorious day and I will be by to comment and let you know I am thinking of you all, dear blog buddies!

"This strong, silent place interrupts confusion, rage, and depression, and just now I feel more at home with the landscape than with people."

~ Joan Anderson

A Year by the Sea

Body Memories

2010-04-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

I had a new insight this week about body memories.

My body memories are painful. I have pain and with it will come the thought "this is a body memory." My first reaction to that thought is a simple, I wonder why this is a body memory? That reaction will be quickly followed by a very sarcastic part of me which responds with a "you are so dumb Not every pain is a body memory."

I shall make it LOUD and CLEAR to that negative voice inside of me,

I know that every pain is not a body memory. No matter how hard this negative voice tries to desuade me I will trust my insticts which desire for my body and soul to heal.

I Trust MYSELF!

And in the new life of Living my Questions I will continue to trust that calm true voice until I Live my WAY into the answers.

Not Stuck!

2010-04-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Wow! It felt so good to get that out yesterday. All of the comments I recieved were so helpful really. I am going to slowly incorporate lots of these strategies and see where I go. I really enjoyed the website http://flylady.net/index.asp I am sure many of the ideas and systems there will help me. I loved that she said don't get overwhelmed just start where you are.

I really had too much going on yesterday inside so of course what a perfect opportunity for this all to have become the overwhelming factor in my day. I wrote that out and then I was able to journal for a long time about the flashbacks and body memories I have been dealing with. I worked on those and then I rested and meditated. Which was what the more important thing to do yesterday rather than dig into piles and boxes that can wait.

I decided I am going to take a picture of a problem area before and then after and post them to celebrate. That is to come, but for today I thanked God for the support I have in so many ways and spent my day playing with my grandson... and my craptastic crap is still waiting for me and I survived it and it was a good day.

Stuck in my crap

2010-04-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

So I just sent a comment to my friend Exhale and I told her that I am stuck. I think I said it 4 times in one short comment. I didn't realize how stuck I am feeling until I started commenting and the tears started coming and my chest started getting tighter. and I started to hurt inside.

She had written about hoarding and spring cleaning and junk she is getting rid of. I am so jealous. Jealous of her ambition to do the things I want to be doing. I want to get rid of the crap that is all around me, keeping me from feeling like I have a comfortable and peaceful surrounding. I want to stop thinking everything is so important that I have to keep it. I want the containers where I have shoved piles of crap from places in my house which will be seen when someone comes over, out of my bedroom. I want the new piles of crap and junk off my kitchen table and the dinning room table and my side board and my beautiful pie rack that is in the kitchen and the kitchen counters. I need to free myself from this addiction to piling.

I pile crap all over my life and then I don't feel like I can clear the crap out of my head. Those piles that nobody sees can wait. The piles in my head they are just hurting me, waiting to explode. But the piles everywhere in the house, they cause contention embarrassment fatigue waste. I waste time thinking about them fretting over them ignoring them stashing them stacking them did I already mention thinking about them. Yes I waste so much time thinking about them. They are like an obsession.

I know that I am not who I want to be because of these piles of crap. CRAPTASTIC CRAP. I don't think I know how to sort what is important and what isn't. I know that I can get rid of stuff. I do it all the time.

This is a painful part of who I am.

Living My Questions

2010-04-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves.

Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be

given you because you would not be able

to live them. And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then

gradually, without noticing it, live along some

distant day into the answers.

~Rainer Maria Rilke LETTER TO A YOUNG POET

These last two week my life has been full of stillness and recognition. I recognize all around me small wonders, key words in books I read, meditations I have chosen to make part of my healing process, comments my therapist will make, small wonders which if I am still enough to let them sink in tell me I am on the path. I am where I should be. I AM LIVING THE QUESTIONS. My questions. I call these small wonders "Tender Mercies" because I believe that God loves me so much and knows me so well that he gives me tender mercies to remind me that He is there and that my Savior's love is unending.

I can't believe I can actually say this, I like the part of healing where I don't have the answers and I have to step out into the darkness. I have never felt this way before.

♥

The tender feelings of my heart.

2010-03-22T00:52:00.000-07:00

Today over at Sweeter Poetry I was moved beyond words. THANK YOU FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY WHOLE HEART DULCE. I don't know if it would even be possible to express how good it feels when someone speaks up and says what you wish someone one would say to give my heart healing balm. Please consider yourself wrapped in a big bear hug from me.

I have gone to You Tube and found my very favorite Healing Song. Now that is saying so very much for me because I have a list 10 miles long of favorites. I hope you find it tender also and healing. I also decided to post the testimony of the man who wrote the song, Roger Hoffman.

Writing "Consider the Lilies"

At the time I wrote "Consider the Lilies," my wife, Melanie and I had spent five years (now twenty-six) following the Lord's commandment to put the kingdom of God first, believing that he would add everything else we needed. It seemed the Lord would send what we needed in the way of work or help, just when we needed it. Miraculously, we had survived! This allowed us to use our time to teach his Gospel through music. This kind providence had become such a regular occurrence for us that we wanted to tell others about it.
One day, as I was sitting at the piano in our chapel, (we didn't have a piano at home) I found my fingers wandering over the piano keys. I noticed what I was playing and repeated it so I wouldn't forget it. Once the melody had become locked into my consciousness, words began to form in my mind,

"Consider the lilies of the field,
how they grow, how they grow."

I grabbed my pencil and began writing. As quickly as I could write, the words continued,

"Consider the birds in the sky,
How they fly, how they fly.
He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky.
And he will feed those who trust him,
And guide them with His eye."

I was beginning to feel very excited! Here was a way to share this marvelous principle!
The words kept coming,

"Consider the sheep of his fold,
How they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed."

I thought of how Nephi and Lehi had been led on their way through "the more fertile parts of the wilderness..." and how the seas had parted for Moses and the children of Israel. Again, the chorus re-assured me,

"He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And he will feed those who trust him,
And guide them with his eye."

I was pleased that the message had been so well delivered, and gratefully acknowledged the power that had presented this song to my mind. I was about to rise from the piano bench and go home, when I felt a kind of downward tug, and sat down at the bench again. The message came clearly into my mind, "I'm not finished yet."
I sat down and the verse began,

"Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth..."

I panicked. I was afraid to tackle so large a subject. I thought, "My pen is too small to deal with a problem so great." The thought came into my mind, "You're not writing this, anyway." I then remembered someone very dear to me who once said she had a hard time understanding why God would allow little children to be abused, and I had a great desire to help her understand this subject better and be comforted. This urged me on.
So, tremulously, I continued,

The pains of all of them he carried
From the day of his birth.
He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And he will heal those who trust him,
And make their hearts as gold."

I wept profusely. I could not contain my feelings. The love I felt was so powerful that I was overcome. (Indeed, for the rest of the day, I felt somewhat removed from this mortal sphere.)
My soul vibrated with the message I had just written, for my own suffering and weakness had been taken in hand by the Wonderful Counselor, and where once there was darkness, light by light, strand by strand, he rewove the fabric of my heart with threads of purest gold, so that my affections and sympathies have been, in a marvelous manner, enlarged and re-trained to make me more like him.
This is the way of the Master. He tells us plainly that he has given us weakness to bring us to him. When we come unto him, he teaches, counsels, and heals us, replacing evil with good, pouring himself into us, a spiritual transfusion where his light replaces our darkness. The light he has put into us works its way through everything we know and feel and draws us to yet greater light.
One day, if we continue, we will be like him, for his light will have chased every trace of darkness from us, and will have drawn into us all the light he has.

♥

My week in collage

2010-03-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

The Skeleton in the closet came to visit

The skeleton came to visit by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

This week the skeleton in the closet came to visit
I had to choose

Would I retreat to the corner with my head hidden in shame?
I have been taught so very well

The overwhelming depression boiled up from below where it had taken refuge

Exhaustion overtook my body and my mind

I felt like giving in to the undertow
Strong and Vicious was its desire to drag
me under

This week I have dealt with the reality smack in my face of the world she (aka mother) lives in.

I saw her for the first time since last July as my sister lay in critical condition in the hospital

She lives here by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

**************************

Their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven

Their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

With exhaustion encroaching from every corner Big Vicki took little vicki and they rested and slept as much as she needed

ST MATTHEW
CHAPTER 18:

5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 ¶ Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.
10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.
11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

WHERE I LIVE

Where I live by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

I have heard the tune and I will never stop singing.

Sunday Devotional

2010-03-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

Sunday Will Come

“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

“No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come.”

Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Dark Friday, Bright Sunday," New Era, Mar. 2008, 4

This devotion is one of my very favorites. It moves me to the very center of who I am. I decided I wanted to put the photo of the man who said this with it and also the link in case anyone was interested in following it. He is an Apostle of Jesus Christ. This is one of the ways I make it in my life day after day trial after trial. I know with all of my heart that Jesus Christ has Apostles and a Prophet here on the earth today and I can listen to or read what they have to say. You can too if you want HERE.

Can I just say...

THIS WEEK HAS KICKED MY BUTT!

Now having said that, I will not want to say it has been all bad

I have been blessed with friends who have served me

and provided the balm of Gilead.

Thank you Becky you have been an angel for me. My good friend who helps me when my jaw hurts so bad I can't even eat brought her massage table over, worked her magic on my jaw and now I can open it. Isaac sat there touching me with his tender hands wanting to "help."

And true to his tender nature, Jared has been very sensitive to me in spite of the fact that he lost his full time job this week as the company he worked for closed it's doors.

I started this week ready to write. Excited to write. I would sit down here at my computer and dissolve.

I saw my mother for the first time since July this past week. My youngest sister is in the hospital, she has been in very serious condition.

I have been spending time in therapy for a few weeks now working on how I might respond at upcoming family celebrations, like my niece getting married, when my mother speaks to me. I want to be graceful and also not give myself away and then have to spend weeks of therapy repairing the damage. We did not however prepare yet for the possibility that she would not speak to me even when I say hi, not even a hi back.

I don't have much to say now except, hmmm.

What will they say about me?

2010-03-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my married kids came over in the afternoon.
This is a pretty regular Sunday activity.
A treasure.

My son was a little tweaked about what had happened in church that morning. With tact and tenderness I would like to share because it fits with a post I have been toying with for some time now. The original title was going to be What my kids will never say about me...

In my married kids Sunday meeting a family had been asked to give a presentation.
I am sure they are a lovely family with many gifts and great closeness. Unfortunately instead of having the desired effect of encouraging and lifting my kids to want more, they felt that uncomfortable feeling I have felt before. How do I explain it? Do you know the one? "Well look at them aren't they perfect?" Followed by a quick, "I can never be like that."

I listened I gave knowing nods I gave love, I know for sure I have had those kinds of experiences and I wanted my children to know I understood how that felt.

A few minutes later 2 of my sons got in a heated argument and my married son was trying to help them cool down. I looked at my daughter in law with what I hope she recognized as a twinkle in my eye and I said,
"I don't think they will be asking us to give one of those "How to be the perfect family " presentations in church.

There was so much love in our home yesterday as we all gathered
I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the whole world.

So here is the LIST

What my kids will never say about me...

1. I never heard my mom raise her voice to me in anger
2. My mom was always on time
3. My mom came to every game, every practice, and every performance
4. My mom had dinner on the table every night
5. I never heard my parents argue
6. My mom never said a negative thing about anyone, ever!
7. My mom made me practice my instrument and I am grateful for that now
8. My mom was always there for every thing I needed
9. My mom never complained or nagged
10. My mom always put our needs before her own
11. My mom was the best listener

I am sure I can add to this list many times over.

Here is what I want my kids to always be able to say about me.

My mom was honest. She really cared about my feelings and I always knew she loved me NO MATTER WHAT. My mom did not pretend life was always going to be fair or work out the way I wanted but she taught me that Things Work Out, They ALWAYS Work Out and I can trust myself. I can trust my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

My mom was real.

♥

The Man I Married

2010-02-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

Today I had a rough start.

Things just got worse when my therapy appointment
had to be canceled for an emergency.

I tried to pick a fight with my man
while he was at work
we were talking on the phone.

I am not proud of THIS.

He, my man, he came home and took me to lunch
and totally didn't even bring it up.

Broken

2010-02-22T23:53:00.000-08:00

All things testify to me that HE must indeed love
Broken things.

♥

Change and Truth

2010-02-22T04:12:00.000-08:00

Sometime...

You just know it is time for a

Change!

Not a

small one

a very BIG
one.

I know I have said it before... but this blog is changing, this girl is changing too.

**********************************************

Last week I was different.
All the work of recovery I had done was right there where I needed it to be right when I needed it the most.

I Remembered.

little vicki spoke and I heard her. I understood what she had to say. I believed her. I didn't run from her. I listened and she knew I would not let her down.

Some things come together in ways I never expect them to. I have always said that recovery, especially for me, because I remember so little of my childhood is like a puzzle. There are pieces, I see them I touch them and I don't know where they go, how the pieces fit or what some of them even mean. I have been learning for a few months now how important it is to just let them sit there and not try to force the pieces together. I have been learning how to wait.

I wrote to Sarah last week and admitted that I had be realizing that I have just enough memory of my childhood to know that I didn't just wake up one day an adult.

I had been writing, when I felt tied up in knots for reasons I couldn't understand I would write and express my frustration.

I wrote about my reoccurring jaw pain and how somehow, I didn't know why, but I just knew it was a body memory. I pushed past that ever present fear that what I think is "stupid" and that "the therapist will surely laugh at this one" and I gave him that journaling. That was hard to do. Not to mention we didn't get to talk about it for two weeks because Jared and I were going through stuff I had to work on because that is the world of today! I wrote about that body memory, I cried and cried and wrote and wrote and I couldn't even see what I was writing I was so triggered by what was going on.

I began having a dream again that I have had from time to time for as long as I can remember, which means, since I have been married 23 years. This dream became more and more insistent and consistent and every time I slept and so very real.

I went back to the gym and took a really great new water bottle that I had gotten which had a cool straw in it with a rubber cap for drinking from.

I woke up last week on the day of therapy having been chased by my dream over and over knowing that I had a choice. This ME the grown up almost 44 year old woman who is safe: I could run from that dream and stuff it down and fight it and give in to the familiar shame and guilt that doesn't belong to ME or little me and

NEVER DID BELONG TO ME

OR

I could let little vicki tell the therapist what she has been trying to tell me for so many years and I have not been able or ready to recognize as a puzzle piece which fit just so in a very tender and infected place in my soul.

I could let little vicki speak the horror and shame of her dream. her dream where she has sticky gum in her mouth and no matter what she does it just gets bigger and bigger and she can't get the gum out. No matter how many times she spits that gum out it is still there and it won't go away. It just grows until I finally wake up.

So I TOLD THE TRUTH. First, I told Jared, then I told Dr. H., and I am tell it here too.

Simple Things

2010-02-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

Simple Things

A well lived day
Smiling at my children
Holding Jared's hand in church
Waking to the soft sound of rain
Smiling
Feeling like smiling
Breaking bread with people I love
Gratitude in knowing
There Is a Savior
He knows my name
And He knows yours too

PS for me it is Hot Cocoa ;)
Enchanted Oak has given us the opportunity to make a bliss list of simple things and give at the same time. Namaste to you Enchanted Oak, you are simply a blessing.

Sunday Devotional

2010-02-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

This morning I wanted to share one of "Those Songs."
One of those songs I can listen to over and and over. The kind of song which fills my bucket when it is empty and lifts me when I feel in despair.
The kind of song I want to hear when I am happy.
It is just my kind of song.
Enjoy and have a blessed Sunday.

Just Frustrated

2010-02-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

Lately I skip writing here and I just read my blog friends because well..

I guess I should just tell the truth, I am less than honest here.

I spend a great deal of time being frustrated with myself. I get frustrated that I just don't have "it" all together. Whatever IT is?!

I went from 4 kids at home to 1 married (that added one precious daughter in law and a grandson to my brood), 1 who is an adult but still acts like a child and I worry about him way too much, (my oldest son, he came home from his mission back in November because he was having such a severe depression that he needed treatment) and the last 2 who are still at home, incredibly strong willed teenagers, All of that change in less than 3 years! I am trying to keep my bearings with all the change that happens and remind myself it will work out and I truly don't have control over it all. I try to remember that God is in charge and Loves them and Jared and I more than I know or understand and that I can remember to trust Him and His son Jesus Christ. Today I read this,

"When the surf of centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this."

Neal A. Maxwell

I read other words too, words about being a mother, trying to find comfort trying to find solace in my time of need and fear.

Maybe someone else who reads this needed to know what I was reminded of today. Maybe it was just me. But, with my tears and with my fears, I did find comfort and I do feel better.

I am struggling with my family. Funny how that happens when they just don't see eye to eye with me. Teenagers, well they want to do 80% of what they do a different way than my way. Today my husband reminded me that I have spent the majority of their lives encouraging them to tell me what they really think. So the problem isn't that they have their own opinion, the problem is when they disrespect me in the expressing of their opinion.

Speaking of said husband, this has not been an easy week for us. I mentioned a few posts back we have had one car for almost two months now because his car was totalled in December. He is getting frustrated as he tries to purchase a very inexpensive, make do for now car. from this guy we know in the neighborhood. There have been set backs all week. My married kids have been terrific to lend me some wheels when I have a need once or twice a week and I have been walking more often which is quite nice.

Besides that Jared and I are just struggling with some communication issues lately and we definitely have some work to do to get our closeness back on track. On one hand I am grateful that I trust myself more than I used to and I am able to take care of my needs when I am working hard on my abuse issues as they come up, but on the other hand I really like going through these rough patches better when he and I are in sync.

I had minor toe surgery earlier in the week because I let an ingrown toenail get out of hand by trying to take care of it on my own. Learned my lesson on that one because dang, all that pain was not worth it.

So.. the point of all this rambling besides just getting some of this out there and not keeping it all in anymore, is just this..

I am trying to learn the lesson, I am trying to go to the source for my answers and trust the Living Water to fill my thirst rather than continue in my frustration and fear. When John the Revelator compares the "Woman" metaphorically to the power and righteousness of the kingdom of God he says, "And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God" Revelation 12:6.

Learning the language of memory

2010-02-01T00:46:00.000-08:00

The body has stories to tell. Dreams scream out to be remembered and heard. My mind goes and goes seemingly in a never ending loop waiting for me to break the code.

And the beautiful woman with the flaming hair bowed
with the strength of an ancient tree and she spoke the words so tenderly so deliberately,
"They are MINE, each and every One, I have come to claim them."

And the ancient tree smiled.

What Secrets? by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

What secrets could my mind
unfold
If I could trust and let THEM
go?

The woman with the flaming hair she waits and longs to care
for those who's time it is to share.

Isaac

2010-01-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

My darling grandson

We can only be said to be alive in
those moments when our hearts are
conscious of our treasures.
Thornton Wilder

I Could..

2010-01-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

I could write about the insomnia I have been struggling with.

I could write about how not on top of things (you know Life!) I am not since the Holidays and how I am not letting that get to me because I am still in awe of how well I survived and indeed THRIVED though them.
But, I would want to edit and sort that all out before I put it here so I will just say.. Hanging in there, and thanking the good Lord for every good gift of Grace!

I could write about our totaled car the week of Christmas and how I secretly am loving the excuse to NOT go anywhere.

I could write about the house fire we had last Friday and how I was just minutes from having to call the Fire Dept. How grateful I AM. How I haven't even cleaned up the mess in the back yard of all the burning things I got out of here. Before tomorrow ;) it is garbage day on Tuesday.
I will say I have gotten a whole lot of mileage out of being the "Fire Marshall" from my sweetie and enjoyed special treatment from him. Wonder how long I can milk this for?

I could write about all of the great food I have been cooking, hey it would at least be writing something..

I just am still struggling for words and marvel that anyone still visits!! Thank you all soooo much. I am coming back to LIFE I just know it.
I FEEL IT!!!

I will write that yesterday I spent two hours "taking a nap" with Isaac. Pure Bliss. Really we watched Little Bear for most of the time, I have to say that little vicki loves to watch shows with Isaac.
My feet were under the covers and Isaac was down by my feet watching and I moved them and he said, "stop" which of course let a silly game where my feet talked to him and he giggled uproariously.
Finally he turned to me, climbed up to my face buried his face next to mine and sighed, "OH Goga."
When I am down, when I am discouraged and afraid of the future. I remember that 3 short years ago before Isaac was born to his 16 year old parents, I didn't know how anything would ever work itself out or be wonderful again?
Things work out, Things always work out.
One way or another they do work out.
That is Hope.
This is GRACE.

Quiet

2010-01-04T22:04:00.000-08:00

Today I have the quiet I have been seeking.
My children have gone back to school.
Sweetheart is back to work.
I am grateful.

I have been reading,
visiting old friends whom I
have missed dearly.
I am slow. I will make it to
my whole blogroll in time.
Thank you for love patience and support.

Now that the holidays have concluded
I have been able to experience the impact
recent events have had on me... on my life.

I struggle mightily many days as I learn how
to let my oldest grow away from me and be on his own.
Frankly, I have worried myself sick.
I have been so angry at myself for this
since I know I can not control and I am not
in charge of his life.
I DON'T WANT TO BE!!!
I have been a wreck about our relationship.

I have been so amazed at how peaceful
the holidays have been without any
contact with my mother/abuser.
I have had grieving to do.
Quiet, private, much needed grieving.
But, I have not missed the empty
feeling which comes from faking a relationship
when there really is none.

I am sure tomorrow will bring
more quiet reflection if I get
what I want from the day.

Sunday Devotional

2010-01-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbsU3b2srQAInfinite Power of Hope

Hope begins in the dark,
the stubborn hope that if you just show up
and try to do the right thing,
the dawn will come.
You wait and watch and work;
you don't give up.
Anne Lamott

I remember many years ago there was a time when depression, fatigue, and despair overwhelmed me. I was sinking fast I had given up. God led me that night to listen to a devotional speaker. Within minutes of listening to his words I was crying and unsure if I could control myself. He said, "Never, Never, Never Give UP." I am forever grateful for this experience and these tender words from a living Angel sent to me that night by God who knows my needs.

Remembering What I Want

2010-01-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

I used this illustration above to teach a group of teenage young women at church last Sunday about goals and remembering to set smaller goals to help us reach our larger long range goals. I explained to them that we spend much of our time down in the trees working hard and hopefully heading for the light as in the first photo. We rarely are able to view our lives or our progress from above, as in the second photo taken from a hot air balloon. Many will not ever in their life understand or be able to appreciate the impact they have on the world around them or the lives of those around them.

I have to believe that is where faith and trust come in to play. I spend my life down in those trees. I purposely chose a gorgeous photo of trees with light in the distance. I see myself as a seeker of light. I want to spend my days in pursuit of the dreams of my heart. Sometimes I lose my way for awhile, I forget that I have to take the short day to day steps toward what I value. Every step counts, every day counts. I have to remind myself that even though I can't see the bigger picture as from above I still have to hold on to my faith that there really is a bigger picture and that the bigger picture matters.

I am so easily overtaken by the dailiness of my life. Being the mother of a busy and and active family is most definitely a priority and also demands my energy. I adore spending my time being here in my moments being alive feeling the ups the downs the ins and the outs. I also want to remember the other path that I have chosen for myself. Writing, telling the truth, healing, listening to others tell their truth, offering my support and sincere caring. I will be sitting down to give myself some steps simple small steps which will help me remember the bigger picture of what is REALLY IMPORTANT to me.

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. ...Touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.

FREDERICK BUECHNER

BLISS

2009-12-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

Bliss List

Kate makes bliss lists.
Here is the beginning of mine.
I did this today.

I went over to my son and daughter in laws home and I snuggled with my grandson Isaac at his nap time. He is a fabulous snuggler. He loves to be sung to which works out well since I love to sing lullabies.

Today he kept getting distracted by the sound of every car or truck diving by outside because his window was open.

He is Two so... often he is reluctant to accept or give kisses.
I have taken to asking if I can have a kiss and when he says NO I ask "Can I give you one?" That works well for me quite often.
Today I asked for a little kiss. He gave his usual response of "NO" looked away and turned back to me giggling,
"A Big One!" he declares.

Snuggling and Kisses.
Lots of Bliss.

♥

Some things I love

2009-12-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

Peace by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

There are so many things I love about this time of year.

I love twinkling lights and sparkly balls and baubles.
I love Christmas concerts at my children's schools.

I adore Christmas music of all kinds much to my families dismay.
I can watch every sappy Christmas movie on the Hallmark channel also to my families dismay.

I woke up to a cloudy day with soft rain almost all day on Monday!
This can be our rainy season in fortunate years here where I live in the desert. I am very hopeful that we will have a rainy winter.

I love steaming cups of hot cocoa and a fire in the fireplace.
I love the warm smells of the comfort foods part of my family traditions this time of year.

I love that I have learned through long hard experience that less is more at this special time of year.

I love Christmas Trees and everything about decorating ours.

I love reading Christmas stories and picture books.
I love reading the scriptures about the birth of Jesus Christ and all of the sweet tender feelings I have about my Savior's birth.

There are things not to love about this time of year..
Those are for another post.

What about you? Do you have favorite things about this time of year?
I would love to hear about them.

xoxo

Present

2009-12-07T12:07:00.000-08:00

“ Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life.

Some people get struck by lightning.

Some are born to sit by a river.

Some have an ear for music.

Some are artists.

Some swim the English Channel.

Some know buttons.

Some know Shakespeare.

Some are mothers.

And some people can dance."
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Blogging makes a very powerful and pleasant dent in my life. I miss it tremendously when I am not here. I miss reading about all of your lives. I miss laughing so hard sometimes I have to go change my undies because of something one of you said. I miss uncontrollable tears streaming down my cheeks because I am moved by one of your heartaches or unfulfilled dreams. I miss words that express ideas and feelings so powerful that I have to call my husband on the phone or drag him in from another room so that I can share them with him. I miss the joy I feel by letting you know I stepped into your life that day by leaving a comment. I miss learning from all of you that I can safely spill my thoughts when I am ready because you did it!

I will try to express here in my simple way how much your kind comments have meant to me while I have been away. I do have words to share about what has been going on for me. But.. this is about THANK YOU. I am grateful for you all. Grateful and overwhelmed by your generous comments and hearts. I have Missed you. I have not been lurking I have just been absent. I declare a firm "Present" as I have now come back. Back to write and Back to read!!

Today

2009-11-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

I have been working hard and appreciating that I have a therapy appointment once a week to keep me accountable. I am still editing quite a lot. I can do that right in my head. I have a congested ear right now which is exacerbating my ringing in the ears. The ringing is loud in my head and to me this is ironic because the words in my head have built up so much pressure I have to let them out.

The voice inside is gently pushing me toward honesty and letting what is locked up in here out. I think this is the reason I have struggled so mightily to write, I just have not been willing to be honest. I think maybe I wouldn't have to work so hard if I could just be honest because here in today I truly have a great deal of peace and so many blessing.

Update

2009-11-19T11:03:00.000-08:00

I have heard from Kate this morning as her bus had stopped in Cove Fort, Utah. She is anticipating the completion of her journey early this evening and can't wait to be off the bus! She is grateful for all of our good wishes and support.

Kate

2009-11-18T17:14:00.000-08:00

Just letting you know that Kate will be rolling in to Denver around Midnight. She sounds great.
♥

I talked to Kate last night...

2009-11-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

Last night I talked to the lovely Kate as her bus made a stop in Columbus, Ohio. She sounded happy to be on her way. I will post each time that she calls so that we can all know that she is safe. Safe is such an important place, feeling, state of being. I admire Kate so much for the example she has shown me. She is willing to sacrifice everything to be safe.
We are sending Gentle Healing Thoughts to you Kate.

I don't know why..

2009-11-06T09:27:00.000-08:00

I don't know why
for a person full of so many words
I have so few to share.

I don't know how to put into
words what is going on inside.

I do know that I am trying,
trying to find them
trying to understand the words inside.

Like a new language
a language I must teach myself
because it has never been heard before
at least by ME,
I am listening I am learning
I have not gone away
at least not for long.

♥

"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

I know why the caged bird sings
by: Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

my editor..

my editor by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

The editor part of me is working overtime. I don't know if she is part of Big Vicki or little vicki. I hope speaking the truth in a picture will help me.

Sunday Devotional

2009-10-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

I love inspiration.
I love beautiful words.
The words inspire me to hope.
They inspire me to dream.
I am inspired to be more
and to reach out and offer the precious
hope I have received in my life
and along my healing journey.

May words inspire others too.

discover by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

Learning to Talk

2009-10-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

If Big Vicki Talks by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

Last week I sat there struggling to get any words out in my therapy session. I couldn't make sense of what was in my head. We discussed the benefits to me if I could find a way to express myself. I felt as if I might be back at the very beginning. Dr H gave me a verbal list of how I might begin to talk through journaling letters etc. I asked could I use pictures. He said of course.

I began a new journal wherein I printed off some of my collage sets from polyvore and let them tell some of what I needed to say. I have needed to do this for some time now, I am such a visual learner. The pictures helped little vicki tell some of the story. Big Vicki well, she doesn't like to talk about "it" and doesn't want to. I learned by doing this written/collage journal that little vicki does want to talk to the Dr. and when I don't tell him what she has shared with me them she quits talking to me.

So I took this new journal to Dr H. this week. I asked him if I could just stay out in the waiting room while he looked at it and read it. I just can't stay present while he is reading journaling I slip away somewhere far away and live in fear till he is finished. We have been doing this for many years and I have just recently told him that I leave when he reads some of my journal to me or talks about it with me.

When I came in his office after he had finished reading I felt very small and far away and I sat as far away as I could. But... I stayed I listened I heard what he was saying and answered the questions he asked. I told him I didn't know if I didn't know the answer. I told him I would try to find out the answer to questions I couldn't answer.

This journal session was a good way for me to have therapy.

Sunday Devotional

2009-10-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

ISAIAH

CHAPTER 30:21-22

And though the Lord give you
The bread of adversity,
And the water of affliction,
Yet shall not thy teachers
Be removed into a corner
Any more.

But thine eyes shall see
Thy teachers:

And thine ears shall hear

A word behind thee,

Saying,
This is the way,
Walk ye in it,
When ye turn to the right hand,
And when ye turn to the left.

As I have mentioned recently ( ok so I haven't said much "recently") but... anyway. When I began to quit denying that my abuse had affected my life in a big way and that I had a great amount of conflict with God over the fact that he had ALLOWED it to happen or at least didn't stop it from happening, I began to see gifts around me. The Tender Mercies of the Lord placed in my life which had brought me through which had kept me alive. Gifts which needed to be recognized so that a way would be opened up for me to recognize more gifts. Sort of like turning on the light so I could see better truth that was there which I couldn't see in the dark.

These scriptures from Isaiah are some of my greatest gifts I received at the very beginning. I will share more soon. But, for now I wanted to get this posted and share this thought with all of you and thank you for your support and kindness.

Have a beautiful day my friends.

♥

Nie Nie on Oprah

2009-10-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

This is Stephanie Nielson of the
NieNie Dialogues
I wrote about her and her amazing survivor story
HERE
on the anniversary of the plane crash which almost took her life. She is a Thriver, She is an Inspiration, She is a regular person like you and me taking it one day at a time. She will be on the OPRAH Show this Wednesday, Oct 7. If you have the chance to watch, Prepare to be Inspired. If you can take a look at her Delightful blog. I call it, "The Sweetest Spot."

♥

Sunday Devotional {on Monday}

2009-10-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

In Thy Light by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

Psalms 36:9
For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light.

Blessings to all of you, and a wonderful week.

♥

Telling the Truth

2009-09-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

Disclosure

Both of my parents were partners in crime.
My mother and my father sexually molested me when I was a child. I have just in the last 3 months disclosed my mothers heinous deeds.

I am Here

2009-09-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

I am not really sure how this post will go so I am just going to start I think I will take a title from one of my blogger friends. She calls posts like this "Random Randomness"

I realized I had something that is coherent in my brain when I read Faith's article on Being Present today. I recommend it. I sat there and though about the wonderful parts of my life that I am able to be "Present" for because of all the hard and sometimes tedious work of healing that I have done since I quit denying that the abuse I suffered mattered.
I can hear the words ringing in my ears from my last therapy session, "Why do we do this work, Vicki?" "I don't remember, (sobbing) can you remind me?" "We do it for OURSELVES!"
Faith spoke of remembering the very first time she felt "Present." It was so clear for her.
I sat there and though do I remember my very first time? To be perfectly honest I am so different from what I used to be I live my life quite present moment. I take things very slow, I don't push myself faster than I am able very often.
I have a grandson, so I spend countless hours of time just being with him, playing with him, talking to him, experiencing the grand life of a wonderful two year old. My children are growing teenagers so other than taxi service and unlimited listening from me they do pretty well.
After I thought for a moment I was able to remember the first time I was present. This was glorious, because I was able to witness what it felt like to call up a memory. I sat there though about it and there it was. AMAZING!
I remember knowing that the moment I was experiencing was precious. I remember knowing instinctively that I wanted to remember the moment always.
It happened many years ago, I hadn't been in therapy very long. I was just loitering at my back door sitting there on the ground with my husband. Our children were little and playing outside. I lay back and while I was looking up I noticed the Sky, really really noticed it. Saw how blue it was, the immensity of it, and the beauty. I remember breathing and just taking it all in and wondering if I had never really looked at it before. It is a wonderful thing to have such a peaceful memory.

For me this is what being present is about, the acceptance of where we are that day, our non judgment of ourselves. When we leave the “shoulds” behind and just accept what is.

♥

I have survived an entire week with no contact from my family of origin. I have one niece who is the same age as my children, who has continued to come over just like normal. She even called me the other day wondering if I could feed her lunch because she was "starving" at school! That was a Lovely surprise visit. No one has called and other than my unnecessary fears when the phone rings it has been peaceful and calm. I say No News is Good News.

I have had such an incredible outpouring of support from all of you Here In My World. Thank you so much. You mean the world to me. I will get back to you and thank you for your loving comments which have kept me lifted. It will take me awhile and I am so very grateful for you support. I need you to know that I couldn't have done it without you all.

♥

Some New Understanding

2009-09-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I left little vicki in a safe place and returned home to the normal hustle and bustle of my everyday life. Together she and I had accomplished some important goals one of which was to write a letter to my mother abuser and ask her not to contact me. I was doing really well and feeling at peace.

By yesterday I still hadn't mailed the letter and this left little vicki feeling unprotected. I created this collage and that helped me to recognize what she was feeling and also that even though two days wasn't that much time to me it was a very long time to little me.

I also recognize that I have to take quiet time away from everything Every Day to connect with little vicki if she is going to trust me and feel taken care of.

The letter has been mailed. I keep reminding myself that what matters is little vicki, the family around me sharing my everyday life, and me right now today. Sometimes I am afraid because I don't know what is coming, by the end of the week the s@#%* should hit the fan. I keep trying to remember how to say "That is between mom and me, I don't want to talk about it." HOW HARD CAN THAT BE TO SAY? I should type it out in big letters so it is in front of me because I know I will forget how to talk much less what to say when the time comes.

Today is therapy, glad for that.

A Safe Place for little vicki

2009-09-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

A Safe Place for little vicki by Vicki in AZ on Polyvore.com

This is the place I would take you to today in my heart. We will go there and you will feel safe enough to share anything you want with me. Safe enough to be whatever you want with me. Today is our day.

Sunday Devotional

2009-09-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Have a Beautiful day my friends.

♥

We Will Remember

2009-09-11T05:46:00.001-07:00

9-11
WE WILL NEVER FORGET

Jewel - Hands
Uploaded by Belzebar. -

Lyrics

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

Trauma
it happens in many ways
it affects in as many

Survivors
there are countless numbers
we stand
sometimes on feet, knees,
or even faces to the earth
Standing
all the same

TODAY
we unite to remember
Survivors
the ones who count on us
to use our HANDS
to honor and celebrate them

Answers from little vicki

2009-09-05T02:08:00.000-07:00

I have tried for over a week now as the adult Vicki to write about my experiences I recently had where little vicki communicated with me. The great thing is that she has been trying to tell me things and has had unending patience while I have tried to understand them.

The question I have wrestled with most recently is, "How does being so very sleepy connect with my abuse? The question I have always had is "How have I always known that I forgot?" Patricia commented that perhaps I could start with what I do know and not try so hard to remember. Great advice thank you. I also shared with Kate an experience I had once, where I believe God answered one of my questions. As I wrote to her about that answer, the one from God, I realized that the very same answer could have also come from little vicki. Before I reveal the question and the answer please let me interject two important points here.

1. If I hadn't taken the time to slow down and really listen as insight came from these two women who care about my healing, I WOULD HAVE MISSED IT!

2. I needed these friends and I trusted that they believe in me and my ability to FIND THE ANSWERS.

I asked God one day, "What exactly is it that you tell me as you send me into this family, to these parents, knowing what I will endure?"
He gently answered, "I told you, you will forget." I realized when I told Kate this story that little vicki could have given me the very same answer.

As I spent some time working this all out in words and telling my husband Jared, the pieces began to fit together like a puzzle. I started with what I have always known, I forgot. If God did indeed tell me that I would forget and I know with all of my heart that He did, then little vicki would know this and when she was sad and hurting and afraid she would have talked to herself and gently said, "Don't worry, you will forget."

As for why am I so sleepy and why is this a clue or body memory? It is very simple, now that other puzzle pieces are in place. I was a child, I lived my life, I don't remember most of it... I went to sleep.

The very best part of acknowledging body memories and honoring them is that they can begin to heal. I am feeling more energetic and less and less sleepy.

Stephen King: Pet Sematary

It's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls - as little as one may like to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. And the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring, unrelenting sanity. That such events have their own Rube Goldberg absurdity goes almost without saying. At some point, it all starts to become rather funny. That may be the point at which sanity begins either to save itself or to buckle and break down; that point at which one's sense of humor begins to reassert itself.

A Thought

2009-09-04T11:17:00.000-07:00

“ The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!
Jack Kerouac

Letter to little vicki

2009-09-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

Dear little vicki,

You have been so patient with me as I try to learn what it is you are saying to me.
Thank you and I love you for this. I love you so much. Right now I have a picture of you from when we were 3 and 1/2 years old I look at it so much and try to imagine just how amazing and wonderful we were. Your eyes are so sweet and I love the smile on your little face. I am looking at your cute glasses and realizing that I have blue glasses like you did right now today. I love my glasses and I have people tell me all of the time what great glasses they are. Your hair is so red I just love that color. I had Dray, that is my friend who does my hair for me, color my hair a pretty dark red. I love it so much, it is not as pretty as yours but still very nice and red again.

I have appreciated how you gently answer my questions one at a time. This has been very nice, having you trust me. I want you to know that I will keep us safe. I told our sister T. a little about what is going on, not very much but a little. When she found out about me not coming to mom's birthday she asked if more "things" were happening. She was so kind and really very sad for me but she gets it. I told her that what has happened is my realizing that I just can't be around people who don't believe me or give a crap about things that are important to me. I told her that mom has never believed me and that I can't tolerate that right now. I don't feel like telling her, at least for now what I am remembering about mom. Telling her doesn't feel safe.
She told me to remember that she is a good listener. That is true, we have been that for each other for several years now.

Our sister K. she is confused. I didn't tell her anything beyond that I had some things I am dealing with right now. She didn't at least at first even consider that I was having a problem with mom. I have been keeping the peace for so long now, I don't think it even occurred to her. I think it will be pretty easy to explain it to her the same way I did to T. when the time is right.
The sad thing is either it will or it won't then put K. in the same category as mom, someone who doesn't believe me, because she never did before. That will be very sad for us if she chooses to be angry and in denial but standing here protecting us is just not an option anymore. The cracks in the foundation of my relationship with K. have to be addressed and repaired, or the building will crumble anyway.

Now as to mom. Well, I haven't talked to her yet, I am sure I am afraid to. I am afraid that I will mess up. I know that is silly, since there is nothing to mess up, I just need to do it. I am glad you have been patient with me. Dr. H. says she probably is afraid. I said, she is not afraid of me. He said sure she is, she know you have the ability to talk and stir things up like before. I don't know what she is but she hasn't called or come over which has been a little unusual. He said we could be less revealing than we were last time and just tell her I just have a problem right now with her because she doesn't believe me when I tell her about things that are important to me. I said, (playing the part of mom), "Vicki, I don't know what you are talking about." Dr H. said, "Exactly Mom, that is the problem, you don't listen to me, so it doesn't matter." And I will tell her to not come to my house.

So, here is an idea. I will take your hand because I really like holding hands with 3 year olds, those are some very sweet hands, we will call her on the phone and tell her together. Do you like that idea? We can set a timer and keep it very short. She probably will have nothing to say or might hang up on us, I am not sure. We will just be ready for anything and take it as it comes but we won't get into a confrontation about this. When we are done with the phone call we will think and feel our feelings and then go out for ice cream and celebrate that we did it together.

It's you and me kid. xoxo
Big Vicki

Sugar Gliders 101

2009-09-01T08:01:00.001-07:00

Sugar Gliders are the softest cutest little creatures I have ever seen.

Here is the scoop!

Sugar Glider (Honey Glider, Short-headed Possum)

Can glide distances of 200 ft

Appearance

The sugar glider is perhaps the most striking in appearance of all the marsupials. Due to their beautiful coat and small size, they are often kept as pets in North America.

Sugar gliders are diminutive in size. They are generally 11-16 in (27.5 - 40 cm) in length, with 6-8 in (15-20 cm) of that belonging to the bushy, non-prehensile tail. Sexual dimorphism is present in this species, with the males being larger than the females. The males weigh approximately 115-160 g, while the females weigh 100-135 g.

Sugar gliders have a squirrel-like body ending in a long tail. The heady is rather short and narrow. The legs are small and end in five-digit feet. All of the toes are clawed, with the exception of the opposable toe on each hind foot. The hind feet are syndactylus, with two of the toes being partially fused together. The sugar glider uses these fused toes for grooming.

Sugar gliders are covered with thick, soft fur. The coat is usually blue-grey in colour, but some specimens have been known to be yellow or tan, and even albinos are known to exist. A black stripe extends from the nose over the head and ends midway across the back. A black ring encircles either eye and extends back to the large, hairless ears. The last few inches of the tail are also black. The underbelly, chest, and throat are a light cream to white in colour. The top of the patagium is blue-grey, the underside is generally white interspersed with dark hairs, and the edge is a bright white.

The patagium is perhaps the most striking feature of the sugar glider. It is a thin layer of furred skin that stretches from the wrist to the ankle of the hind limb on either side of the body. When the legs are extended this skin is spread taught, much like in a North American flying squirrel, and the sugar glider is enabled to glide great distances.

Sugar gliders are marsupials, and so the females do have a marsupium (pouch). The marsupium is roughly ½ in (12.5 mm) in length, and is located in the middle of her abdomen. Sugar glider males also have a feature unique to many other marsupials – they have a bifurcated penis. In other words, their penis has two shafts, and acts like two separate penises.

Sugar gliders are highly vocal, often making what is known as a "crabbing" noise, somewhat reminiscent of an electric blender. They also bark, chirp, and chatter amongst themselves.

Sugar gliders have many scent glands used for marking territory. The males have three primary scent glands: one located on the forehead, one on the chest, and one alongside the cloaca (an opening for the urinary, gastrointestinal, and reproductive tracts). The best way to tell a male sugar glider apart from a female is to look at the forehead, as in males the scent gland up there is visible as a bald spot.

Sugar gliders have an acute sense of smell and hearing. They are nocturnal, and so also have acute night vision.

Sugar gliders have a life span of 9 years in the wild, 12 in captivity.

Habitat

Sugar gliders are found throughout eastern and northern Australia (some have even been found in southern Australia), as well as its nearby islands, including Tasmania and Papua New Guinea. They can be found in all types of forests, but prefer the open forests where there is room to glide. Sugar gliders are social animals, nesting in family groups of up to twelve individuals. These groups are headed by a dominant male who will do most of the territorial marking. This territory, though small, consists of several eucalyptus trees and is readily defended by the entire group.

Sugar gliders are nocturnal, spending their days sleeping in a nest in a hollow portion of a tree. At night they are highly energetic, performing amazing acts of aerial acrobatics and gliding distances of 200 ft (66 m).

Kreativ, Yes I Accept!

2009-09-01T04:38:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU to Speck of Dust, over at Just Be for this award. I love being creative in all kinds of ways and I truly appreciate and enjoy other people's creativity also. Namaste.

So, if you haven't been to Just Be before, it is simply a must read. I mean listen to the name of her blog, JUST BE, who doesn't long to know what that would feel like? It makes me feel calm just to think of her blog name. And her pen name, Speck of Dust, it is so full of meaning. The name is poetry. She wrote about her name here.

So here is a list of seven things about me.

1. I want to go on a cruise to Alaska with my husband.
2. We have 1 dog, 5 sugar gliders, and 8 cats. (No my house is not huge, we just love animals)
3. In college I played the role of the First Lady in Waiting to The Queen of the Night in Mozart's Magic Flute.
4. I am a visual learner, because of this, The Food Network and Martha Stewart have changed my life.
5. I am fascinated by trees. I want to see and touch a Banyan tree.
6. I love being a grandma. I feel close to my grandma who was always the safest place I knew as a child, because of my grandson.
7. Pansies are my favorite flower.

This is my list of 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
I went to my bookmarks and spent time visiting sites that I had found interesting but hadn't been back to in a long time. I felt like I was coming back to old friends, there really is so much inspiration out there. So many lovely bloggers sharing their passion and zest for life and beauty.
I look forward to spending more time being inspired and I am so excited to check out Speck of Dust's list of nominations too!

http://www.thefreshloaf.com/

The Fresh Loaf, a community for amateur artisan bakers and bread enthusiasts.

http://conversationswithacupcake.blogspot.com/

"IN MY HOUSE: 1 Handsome Husband, 4 Top Notch Kids, A Nervous Chihuahua, and 25 Pounds of Brown Sugar. It's a sweet, sweet life." {She shares her recipes!! And her photos are divine!}

http://asoftplacetoland-kimba.blogspot.com/

At A Soft Place to Land, Kimba has created just that, "A Soft Place to Land."

http://thewomenscolony.com/

This place is a dream, someplace you can go and stay awhile, they have "Arts, Letters, and Shenanigans" complete with many "places" to visit.

http://thedailydelights.com/

Here is what she says about herself, "Just another gal looking for a moment of joy each day." I can go for that!

http://kellymccaleb.typepad.com/

My Happy Little Life, is just a sweet inspirational place where you can find kind words, loving people, beautiful photography and gentleness.

http://www.youaremyfave.com/

Over at You Are My Fave is just that, lots and lots of Favorites. Melanie is fun and so full of creativity it is Contagious!

Here is to some new Inspiration!

Grace

2009-08-31T03:45:00.000-07:00

I do not at all
understand the mystery of grace
only that it meets us
where we are
but
does not leave us
where it found us.
~Anne Lamott

Sunday Devotional

2009-08-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

Forgiving

It is an action word
a verb.
I do it
and then I do it again
and then I do it again
and I keep on doing it
for as long as it takes.
It might take me a real long time
it usually does for that matter.
But...
for me forgiving is like traveling
the road of life
I do it one step at a time
one day at a time.
I wish...
I could say I am always patient
patient with myself
as I struggle to forgive.
As I struggle to
Practice what I preach
which is
Take All the Time You Need.
I really do believe that
even though
it doesn't seem like I believe it

sometimes.

There is a book, it is pretty much everywhere, I see people reading it wherever I go. I see it in almost every store that sells books. My therapist talked about it with me one day and I had bought it and finished it a few days later. It was hard to put down. The book is called The Shack, by: Wm. Paul Young.

I learned so much about forgiveness from this book.

Today's Sunday Devotional comes from The Shack.

Mackenzie, forgiveness does not excuse anything. Believe me, the last thing this man is, is free. And you have no duty to justice in this. I WILL HANDLE THAT. And as for Missy, she has already forgiven him."

"She has?" Mack didn't even look up. "How could she?"

"Because of my presence in her. That's the only way true forgiveness is ever possible."

Mack felt Papa sit down next to him on the ground but he still didn't look up. As Papa's arms enfolded Mack he began to cry. "Let it all out," he heard Papa's whisper, and he finally was able to do just that. He closed his eyes as the tears poured out. ...He wept until he had cried out all the darkness, all the longing and all the loss, until there was nothing left.

He pleaded, "help me Papa. Help me! What do I do? How do I forgive him?"

"TELL HIM."

"How Papa?"

"Just say it out loud. There is power in what my children declare."

Mack began to whisper in tones first half hearted and stumbling, but then with increasing conviction, "I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you."

Papa held him close, "Mackenzie, you are such a joy."

"So is it all right if I'm still angry?"

Papa was quick to respond. "Absolutely! What he did was terrible he caused incredible pain to many. It was wrong and anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But, don't let the anger and loss and pain you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck. Son, you may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely."

I copied these words for myself and I inserted my name every where Mack's name appeared. I have them in a special place, a book I have created for healing.

Forgiveness is a process, I don't worry so much about the destination anymore.

♥

When I Need

2009-08-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

When I need comfort
I turn to music.
So much of music lifts me
from dark places I don't want to linger in.
So much of music lifts me from sadness.

Here is a favorite.

Mollie's Poem

2009-08-26T04:36:00.000-07:00

I am a DANCER.

I wonder if I will ever be AMAZING.

I hear the sound of tap shoes on tile.

I see my face in the mirror as I spot myself after each pirouette.

I want the day to come when I am given the honor of receiving my

first pair of Point shoes.

I am a DANCER.

I remember the first time I ever did a double pique turn.

I feel the rough calluses built up on my feet from months, years of

devotion.

I touch the cold metal ballet bar.

I cry when I feel like I am not good enough.

I am a DANCER.

I understand that I am not perfect.

I say, “ This is what I want to do for the REST of my life.”

I dream of dancing for him…

I believe that I can do anything if my heart is truly in it.

I am a DANCER.

Today I am grateful for a Daughter who can feel this way IN her body.

On My To Do List

2009-08-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have a favorite artist, her name is Tiffany Arbuckle Lee, she goes by Plumb. One of my favorite songs of hers is over there on my play list In My Arms.

I heard one of her songs in a new way this past weekend because of something I need to do. I need to stop seeing my mom for right now, I don't know for how long, maybe forever. 13 years ago this summer I sent my parents a letter telling them I couldn't see them for awhile because I was working on my abuse issues with a counselor and asked them not to contact me. I spent much of my healing back then, doing this, "She stands alone defending her name." It was hard, I did it a lot, to pretty much anyone who would listen, especially my siblings.

I don't know how I will let my mom know this time. I haven't decided that yet. I do know that I will be calling my baby sister before my therapy session tomorrow afternoon to tell her that I won't be at my mom's birthday lunch next Saturday.

I don't intend to stand defending my name this time, in fact I think I will say very little. I want to be strong, I need to be strong, for little vicki. I think it is the Least I can do after all that she did for me. I am proud of myself for trusting myself, it feels good.

I really love the last line of the song... Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I think that is a very good thing to do. I'll put that on my list also.

Nice Naive And Beautiful lyrics

She's only known heartache and pain
But she's never known pain like this
She stands alone defending her name
When all that she's done is be who she is
Well is it so wrong to be who we are
When all she's done is fail

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why does she get taken advantage
Why does she live in a world so cold
She takes advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part
Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place
Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt

Maybe she could set it free

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why did she get taken for granted
Why did she live in a world so cold
He took advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

If you've been there you know
If you're still there hang on
We're all dealt our lumps of coal
What you do with it can turn beautiful
Well there's a life outside of this madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place
That's restraining your love

Sunday Devotional

2009-08-23T02:51:00.000-07:00

The internet truly is an amazing gift.
It allows me to connect with a community of fellow bloggers
all of whom I have grown to care for.

I have decided to try something new.
I am a church going gal. I know that we don't all go to church,
I know and understand many whose touching posts
have had their hearts broken at church for what ever reason.
My heart aches for them as my heart has ached when I have had my very own trials of faith. I know that there are some who I read and cherish their words, who's worship is different than my own. I have found nothing but respect here in My Little World for our differences. I like this so very much.

I know that members of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or more commonly known as "Mormons", are well known for our efforts to proselyte. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I have a son on a Mission in Tennessee right now doing that very thing.

That is not my purpose here.
I am just a woman, a woman who talks about the things which are important to her, gets excited to share thoughts and feelings with people she cares about, and hopes with all her heart to just be honest and as our good bloggy friend puts it,
JUST BE REAL.

So this is longer than I wanted so I think I'll go put my video at the beginning in case you just get bored and didn't read all of this, because the video was really the point!! I know that God, whoever or whatever that is for you is there, watching over us, caring for us, cherishing us, and most importantly caring about our pain and struggles... even when we don't believe it, feel it, want it, or know it.

♥

Cute Things Isaac Says and Does

2009-08-22T11:11:00.001-07:00

He pushes the test page button on our printer, gets so excited because he has printed something, and wants someone to make him an airplane out of the paper.
One time, I wasn't paying attention, and he printed a test page on all of the paper in the tray.

He knows how to get to my house, is a great back seat driver, and if his parents aren't going to my house but drive near our street he yells Goga, Goga.

He gets so excited to play with his Thomas train that he is calling "Thomas" as soon as he comes through the door.
He also has a Billy, an Elizabeth, and a Rosie, but he will not call her Rosie, because Jared called her "what's her face" when he took them all out of the package. Isaac consistently insists on calling her "Face" no matter how many times grandpa tells him her name is Rosie.

He puts the leash on Johny and leads him around the house for a walk.
That is, if he is not climbing on Johny and riding him like a horse, or laying down on Johny's bed with him.

He loves to put pennies in Granpa's robot bank. He has this funny little quirky thing that he does when he twists each penny before he can deposit it!

He loves to shred paper. He says "schredda" over and over.

He loves to watch Kipper.

He thinks all of our 5 sugar gliders are named "Cal" because one of them is named Calvin.

He is the Joy of his Grandpa and Goga's life.

Rain

2009-08-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

What I love:
RAIN, it is finally raining I am so happy ♥

What I hate:
Dog BARF, yeah... the dog is in the house when he would usually be out enjoying the time at sundown. I did not send him out because he does not like storms.

How does he thank me for my kindness? He barfs!

I TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD.
and
SMILE.
♥

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for August

2009-08-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

~Enola~: Carnival Against Child Abuse
Enola has done a fabulous job with the Carnival this month, there are many submissions to read. So much support out there and I feel confident many healing moments ahead.
I love healing moments.

Exhaustion

2009-08-18T02:16:00.000-07:00

When I think about the featured topic for this month's
Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse
"Back to School"
I feel one word. I feel it in my bones I feel it in my soul, I feel it everywhere I am...
Exhaustion.

I have been journaling for the past few days about just how exhausted I am. I am talking I wake up and just want to go back to sleep almost immediately. For several days now ever since my children started back to school in the middle of last week, I have been this way. I'll be honest I have been gentle with myself, kicked guilt out the door and given in to the need to rest. This is actually the first year since my children have gone to school that I have had this luxury, so I have taken full advantage.

I have been considering my almost complete lack of memories from the years when I was in elementary school. I have been going over and over what would be the clue? How would a need for sleep have anything to do with the amnesia? It has occurred to me as I write this, Little Vicki is probably pretty tired from having to keep all of those memories locked up away from me.

I want to to share a song which represents elementary school for me.

Hello by: Evanescence
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

Inspiration

2009-08-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a certain blog, The NieNie Dialogues, since I have been reading blogs. She lived here in AZ where I live, was a young mother and wife, trying to raise her family, and live a good life. One year ago she was in a small plane crash with her husband and lay in a coma for several months. She is a survivor, she is an inspiration! Today I am linking to her blog as a celebration! A celebration of each and every one of you who take the time to read what I write about. This is her celebration weekend, celebrating HEALING, MOVING FORWARD, THRIVING!

Namaste (i bow to the divine light), within each and every one of us, and to my blog friend NieNie.

Listening

2009-08-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

Listening is an attitude of the heart,
a genuine desire to be with another
which both attracts and heals.
~J. Isham~

I have been pondering on why blog friendships work.
Why do these friendships feel real? Even though I don't know those of you out there, you know in person, and yet I still know you to be my friends. This came up on my quote of the day widget, Ahhh... Here is the answer.

I love listening to all of you.
I always feel listened to
Here In My World.

♥

Where Can I Turn For Peace

2009-08-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

Where Can I Turn for Peace

Sunday, this is the Hymn we sang in church. I thought of all of us here on our blogs supporting each other and sharing whatever it is that brings us each peace. I thought of how often we struggle to find peace. I thought about the joy we feel when we find peace even for a little while.

The woman who wrote this Hymn, Emma Lou Thayne, wrote this while her daughter was suffering with an eating disorder. I wanted to share these comforting words here.

WHERE CAN I TURN FOR PEACE?

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

John 14:27; 16:33

Hebrews 4:14–16

I would express to you all the peace I find through The Savior Jesus Christ.

I would also thank you all for the support and peace I find through each one of your stories and all of your strength.

Together we are strong.

Isaac

2009-08-09T04:52:00.000-07:00

My grandson and daughter in law are back from the other side of the country where they went to visit her grandfather. I missed them like crazy. Isaac was so happy to see his toys. His trucks and tractors were here waiting for him!

I sure hope everyone is having a good weekend. Thinking about how much you all mean to me.

2009-08-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

My daughter, she lives to dance. As a survivor it is an amazing experience to witness a teenager able to express her zeal for life with her body through dance. I am so grateful for the confidence she feels in her body and her ability to express it through dance.
She loves to watch So You Think You Can Dance on Fox.

There were two beautiful and very moving dance pieces this season which I wanted to share with you.

This first one is a dance to one of my all time favorite songs and is dedicated to breast cancer survivors. I think we can all relate to the struggle that comes with surviving and working very hard to Thrive.

This next dance is my very favorite, I hope that you have the time to watch and I am sure you will be moved as I was. This one is a dance about a woman's addiction. The young man represents the addiction in this moving piece of art.

Wondering

2009-08-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

Thinking about what I wish for...

Thinking about where I want to go...

What about you, what are you wishing for and where is it that you are wanting to go?

Growth means change and change involves risk,
stepping from the known to the unknown.

~George Shinn~

Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.
~Abraham Lincoln~

A Letter

2009-08-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today we got a letter in the mail
from my son, the missionary.
He is still in the Missionary Training Center,
studying and learning
every day.

These are the beautiful young men and women
he goes to class with every day.

He said, "send CANDY"
some things never change.

I have been smiling ever since
and I can't quit singing,
"We just got a letter!"

When I Grieve

2009-08-02T02:03:00.000-07:00

There is a time for grieving
grieving for what has been lost
long remembered or fresh and raw.

There is a time to seek for comfort
comfort is waiting
waiting to wrap the grieving up in soft warmth
softly whispering, "take all the time you need."

When I process, work on memories experience the pain and loss, I take time to heal during and after. I listen carefully at times like these to what it is I need and often what I want.

Do you know what it is you need and want?

Often one of the things I need most is rest. I find that it takes so much energy to Heal. I know that depression can also bring its own kind of extreme fatigue and desire to sleep. I am not talking about that kind of exhaustion here. I am talking about tired to my bones if I push myself more I will have a meltdown because I have reached my limit.

I read a book once, ABIDE WITH ME by Elizabeth Strout, in there I found an insight I had never understood before, the light went on!

Anyone who has ever grieved knows that grieving carries with it a tremendous wear and tear to the body itself, never mind the soul. Loss is an assault; a certain exhaustion, as strong as the pull of the moon on the tides, needs to be allowed for eventually. And Tyler, during the ten days he stayed with the Atwoods, spent an astonishing amount of time sleeping. Waking at daylight, he would feel sleep roll up to him again, almost immediately, and always with the force of anesthesia. When he finally staggered from the bedroom, embarrassed by what he felt was slothfulness, it was Hilda Atwood who said firmly, "Right back in there, Tyler. This is exactly what you need."
Back to bed he went, his body so heavy with weariness it felt as though his weight would push straight through the mattress to the floorboards below. His sleep was deep and dreamless, and waking again, he would not know where he was right away, but, hearing the children's voices downstairs, he was reassured, and would lie motionless, as though in traction in a hospital. But he was not in a hospital, and his limbs moved, and as he shaved in the bathroom mirror, he gave great thanks.

What is it you need when you do the hard work of healing? Ask the little child in you, "What is it that YOU need?" You just might be surprised when you get an answer.

Saying IT Out Loud.

2009-08-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

There are reasons
reasons why it is hard to talk in therapy
hard to make yourself say the words
hard to let them out of your mouth even if you want to.

Reasons why I fear the pain I feel
will overpower who I am and make me someone
I don't know.

I don't say the words
the words won't come out.
I think I am afraid of what they mean.

Because I won't say them
we sit and talk,
talk and talk about what I might do about this
or what I might do about that.

The Dr. see, he is a smart guy
he knows that if I don't say it
say it out loud, make myself say it to him
I'll be back in the place I was before.
All those years ago...

In that place
I questioned everything.
I was TERRIFIED
terrified that I had made the whole thing up.

That place took a good long time
to overcome.

I felt as if I had been blasted open
filleted wide open.
A walking billboard.
Hey look at that girl, did you know there is INCEST in her family?

So I know the Dr.
about some things, believe me not all,
he has excruciating patience.
He will wait, he will make me work, he'll even make
Therapy as uncomfortable as Hell if he has to.
But, He will wait till the words come out of My Mouth.

It was my mother.
O My God,

How does a mother hurt her child that way?
Seriously, God, I am asking this question of you!
I am a Mother, I am a Grandmother.
It makes no sense at all...
there is nothing comprehendable here.
Yeah, spell check I made the damn word up
COMPREHENDABLE...
I even added it to my dictionary so I could use it again if I want to.

So, here it is, I will walk in that room
I don't know if I will sit or stand?
Last time when I told him
my dad had molested me
I stood.

I think Molested is not an appropriate word for such things...
Molested means to bother,
yeah, I don't think it fits.

If an animal mother has to, she just eats her baby.
I think that might be a better thing to have done.
Molested is not the right word?

Thank You

2009-08-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just can't reach
what it is you need...

Without a FRIEND
to help you
UP.

Thank You ALL
for being that FRIEND
to me.

♥

Person to person,
MOMENT
to moment,
As we LOVE,
We CHANGE
the WORLD.
~Samahria Lyte Kaufman~

A Storm In My Mind

2009-07-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Last night the storm in my mind overwhelmed me.
I was getting sicker and sicker with a massive headache by the minute. There was nothing I could do to find relief.

I pleaded with Jared to hurry home as he was running late from work. He finally arrived and found me in a state he has not witnessed for quite some time. He prayed with me and for me. I was so grateful for his comfort. Finally there was a lessening of the vice grip which held my head. I was able to breathe again and hold still, it felt so much better.

Later I told Jared that this was most definitely a processing headache. He answered that this had been the first thing he thought of when I called to tell him how horrible I was feeling.

In a little while, when I feel more energy, I will journal and see what comes up. For now I will rest.

Memory

2009-07-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

I think about recovery.
Recovery from a bad childhood.
Recovery of memories from my childhood.
I think about how I have always known I didn't remember.
How is that possible? As a grown woman, I asked myself, "How is it possible that you have always remembered that you don't remember?"

I started this blog because I wanted to participate in the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, back in June. I have my own story, I haven't written about it much for a few years now, but I have one and volumes of journaling to go with it. Participating in the Carnival was an amazing experience for me. I found an entire support community of fellow bloggers all willing to lift and support each other on our journey to Thriving.

What I didn't expect was the door opening. The door which begins processing, in this case more processing, more journey, more new chances to learn how to Thrive.

As I think about this today, I am chuckling because I know how this all works, I have been here before... If I open the Door, I must go through it, I can never close the Door again.

So, back to memory recovery...

I went on a long car trip with my husband last week which always provides ample opportunity for long discussions. We talked over what I have been processing, what feels different this time, why is it different this time, etc?

This is the single biggest difference this time...

I BELIEVE MYSELF.

The first time I began recovering memories was in 1996. The last time I talked to my Therapist I said something about back when we started and we both laughed when he said he didn't remember that far back. I went into his office a few week ago, told him I was remembering things and that I knew the most important thing that I could do for Little Vicki was believe her.

Last week was also the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11 landing on the Moon, and the first Moon Walk. I was very moved as I discussed with my husband what it would be like to be in a room where doubters of these historic events would express their opinions to the Astronauts and their families. That would be an electric feeling in my opinion. That is how I feel about believing Survivors of Child Abuse, whether a survivor forgot or always remembered. There is no amount of proof which will convince a non-believer. What matters is that We believe ourselves and that we TRUST OURSELVES.

Playtime

2009-07-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

Isaac's very favorite thing to do in Utah
"JUmpSS"
He loved going outside.
Except for the hottest part of the day it was
lovely for him outside.

Quite different from here in AZ where it is
BLAZING HOT
Most of the time.

Isaac also enjoyed meeting and playing with
his cousin Ashleigh.
Uncle Chris was always good for horsie rides!

I might be having withdrawals after having our Grandson
with us for over a week.
♥

Home again

2009-07-24T14:03:00.001-07:00

We are Home again,
after over a week of traveling it feels great to be here!
It has been a very long time since we
traveled far with a two year old!
I am exhausted, and today I won't do
anything I don't have to do.

I am also emotionally drained
from watching my eldest son fly from my nest
on his LONG EXPLORE.
I won't be able to see or touch him for two years!

This is a beautiful flower from my trip.

I have oodles of blog reading to do
I can't wait to catch up with everyone.
♥

Out of Town

2009-07-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

We are traveling,
seeing the country, enjoying each other
playing with our grandson almost every minute.

The time when my oldest flies from the nest
is approaching so quickly.
I am full of mixed emotions.
I will write about them soon.
but for now I will just say...
in 5 short hours we will drop him off
at the same place that hundreds of thousands of other
parents have left their young men or young women.
We will leave him at the Missionary Training Center
here in Provo, Utah.
Today I feel very proud of my sweet son.

Thank you all for your comments yesterday about my dream. They were so helpful.

I am going to copy to here a fun post about my grandson I did awhile back on my Family Blog. This is in honor of his staying with Popa and me while we are on vacation and his parents had to go back home to work.

Everyone Should Have A Froggy Pool

Isaac Has a Froggy Pool

It sprays water in his face
Aunt Mollie plays with him

Johny wishes he could play in the pool, but will settle for a love tap.

I think froggy pools could maybe solve many problems...

A Dream

2009-07-21T04:36:00.000-07:00

I dreamed that I was in my house, but it wasn't my house. It was where I lived some of my kids lived there, were with me, but were they really my siblings?

People, relatives started showing up to give my Grandma W. a birthday party.
I didn't know they were coming I ran to an empty room to not be seen but it was where the aunt who has been kind to me was getting my Grandma ready. She was dressing her in a ridiculous and immodest dress, not something she would ever wear. A dress that a much younger person would wear with a plunging back. I didn't want to deal with any of these people so I started helping Grandma but I was trying to adjust that back of the dress. My aunt got upset at me for not doing it right, I tried to fix it back. Then I just realized I couldn't hold it in and I told here how ridiculous the dress was and that Grandma would never wear a dress like that.

Then I left the room and went into what I think was my room. {it was the room I felt safe in} From there I could see out of the door the room where the party would be held, tables set up like at a luncheon, it looked like a cultural hall at a church. I closed the door and looked around and my room was more like a kitchen and was filled with party food etc. A couple of my cousins I think they were from the J. side of the family, came in and wondered why I wasn't out with everyone enjoying the party. I told them to go get someone in charge. I don't know where my Kids/Siblings had gone now, they were no longer there.

Two of my aunts came in the room one that hasn't spoken to me in years and one who wrote Dr H. a letter about me. They are my Dad's sisters, the two I am most uncomfortable around. I told them that something had to be done about the fact that I had not invited this party into my home. I loved my Grandma but they could not just come in here and have a party and bring all of these people without my permission.
I got stronger as each sentence was finished. I wasn't yelling, by the end of what I had to say I wasn't even afraid of them.

Hope

2009-07-18T02:08:00.000-07:00

Everywhere are people
My Sisters and My Brothers
For, We are ALL
Children of God.

I have found so many,
They Lift, Encourage, Support,
Cry with Me,
Cry with each other,
and
PRAY.

We are here for each other
on our journey to Thrive.

There is another,
He descended
Below ALL Things.
That way, He would know how,
How to support each and every one of US.
As we journey on this path together
But, ultimately separate from each other.
Never ALONE,
He is always there for us,
He never leaves us.

I know this is TRUE.

Joy in My Life

2009-07-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Carlin, Naomi, and Isaac Johnson
my sweet and adorable family
nestled safely within the bonds of Jared and My family.
We Love You So.
Congratulations on your 2nd Anniversary.
Being in the Arizona Temple Saturday July 11,
with your sweet family as you were sealed to each other
for Time and All Eternity,
was and forever will be one of my most
Cherished Days of My Live.

I ♥ You.

Elder Stephan Granger Johnson

On Sunday July 12 we sat in church, together as a Family
to witness the Miracle of a Boy become a Man.
You spoke of your Mission to Serve your Heavenly Father
and Share with your Brothers and Sisters
in Nashville, Tennessee the Good News
of our Savior Jesus Christ and His restored Gospel.

How can a Mother contain the Joy of
two
of the most incredible experiences in her life?

Posted by VICKI IN AZ at 9:03 PM

Healing

2009-07-16T03:36:00.000-07:00

Healing is our goal.
Healing is the Birthright which God gave to
each of his children when he sent us into this fallen world.

Each one of us must chose this path of Freedom
for ourselves. Then we can, we must Trust Ourselves,
trust that we are worth healing, that healing is possible.
I know this to be true.
We are Free to make the choice to Heal.

Jeffrey R. Holland said this about healing...

Many people are facing personal trials, trying to hold back flood waters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. What follows is especially for those who feel their lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.
To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)

Art... One By One by Walter Rane

Therapy

2009-07-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is therapy.
Back to the time of counting the days
till my next session.
This means the hard work has begun.
I am ready.

I Will Listen

2009-07-09T04:47:00.000-07:00

I have heard voices, speaking to me in my head, all of my life... that I can remember.
I have always lived in my head.

I looked in my friend's mirror as a child and heard "You can't tell, It is a secret."

As an adult I went back to where I grew up till I was 13. As I drove those small streets and thought about all that I could not remember about growing up there, I heard, "You don't remember because you Choose not to remember."

Over at Blooming Lotus, Faith is discussing opening up communication with the parts of me that are inside trying to help me heal, trying to communicate with me. As always, it never ceases to amaze me that as I work through this process help is placed in my path when I need it. I have found Faith's posts to be so helpful to me and I can't Thank Her enough.

Just this week I asked my therapist "why after all of this time, when I have accepted the lack of memories which I desired for validation, Why Now?" He said, "There is an answer." I almost blew right past that comment, instead, I stopped, He said, "You weren't ready."

Well, let it be known, My Sweet Little Vicki, and whoever else in here that wants to talk...

I am ready
I will listen
I will validate you
I will believe you
You can trust me
I will protect you
I will nurture you
I will be gentle with us
I Love You
I WILL be the Mother You never had.

A Reason to Break the Cycle

2009-07-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

These are my children the year that I began Therapy.

These are my children Today.
These are some very good reasons.

Little

2009-07-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Once I was a little girl
I was adorable and curious
I loved flowers
I loved kittens
I was, I think, very much like my daughter here

Now I am grown
The little Vicki inside of me
is asking for help
I am grown I can be there for her now.

Telling...

2009-07-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I told Jared.
I told him that I had begun again to have memories.
I was scared I was shaking I was crying.
But... I told.

He asked if I wanted to talk about them.
I said not now.
He held me.
He said we will get through this.

I know he is right.